Red Light, Green Light

She sat backstage in a darkened corner absently clutching and rubbing the doll in her hand. All around her people were moving with purpose to make sure everything was set and ready. This was to be televised and there were lighting issues and wardrobe and makeup to consider. Mary had no interest in any of this. She was thinking about what she would say. How she would counter. If she could remain composed. She had asked for this and the Congressman to his credit had obliged her. He likely saw it as the perfect public relations opportunity. To stand before the crowd and acknowledge their pain, feign empathy with their suffering and get his face on television. He didn’t expect to sway anyone to his way of thinking and he wasn’t concerned with losing any of his constituents. All that mattered in a political career was staying relevant. Whether they love you or hate you once they forget you it’s over.

A woman came up to Mary and paused before acknowledging her to speak into her headset. Once she was satisfied with what she heard she pretended Mary was her entire world.

“I love what you’re wearing. That should work great with the lighting. What we’d like to do now is get you into some makeup.”

“I’m fine,” Mary responded.

“Are you sure? It wouldn’t be much. Just to highlight and accentuate.”

“I’m fine.”

The woman looked at her with nervous restraint. Being too pushy or offending her would not go over well for her career. Social media might tear her apart if she didn’t seem completely sympathetic.

“OK. Well the Congressman is finishing up his makeup and we will be ready to air in ten minutes.”

She noticed the doll in Mary’s hand.

“Is that some sort of good luck charm?”

“It was my daughters.”

The woman’s jaw hung agape in a moment of complete surprise. She seemed to be searching her interior database for an appropriate response.

“That’s great. Use that. Feel free to take it with you.”

As she left Mary had never seen a woman flee in heels in such a hurry. She looked at the doll. She whispered her daughter’s name and fought back tears. She stood and began to stretch out first her good leg then the hip and stump where the apparatus was now attached. The doctors had assured her no one would ever be able to tell or see it when she was wearing a dress. That’s why tonight she wore a skirt for all the world to witness. She wasn’t about to hide.

An assistant called her name and she walked slowly toward the curtain. In the corner of her eye she could see the Congressman sitting in the makeup chair, all aglow from the mirror lights, laughing and talking to several people. He was eyeing a young female intern when he caught Mary walk past. His smile sagged and his face seemed to melt beneath the applied makeup. Then he too stood and walked toward the stage.

The town hall meeting was to take place in a beautiful historic theater building. It had hosted concerts, operas and plays. Tonight it would host a debate between one local woman who had endured tragedy and a member of the government who had allowed it to happen through ignorance, inaction and greed. It had capped out at 200 people and every seat was taken. They had somehow managed to seat themselves perfectly down the middle between those that supported gun control and those that opposed it. As always water found its level.

The Congressman had made sure a flag was placed prominently next to his podium on stage. Mary had requested no extravagances. He had also requested that she take the stage first. It seemed a power play but she didn’t mind. She was only interested in having her voice heard.

She looked at the light below the camera. It was a burning red that seared her eyes. The director had said that once it turned green they were live. She squeezed the doll. She spoke to herself and in doing so spoke to her daughter.

Stay red. Stay red forever and I won’t have to speak. I can’t do this, honey. I thought I could but I’m not strong enough. He’s too big. It’s all too big and they’re too powerful. You and all those other poor people died for nothing and I’m the only one left to talk and I’m just too weak for this. What can I do? Help me. Give me strength.

She closed her eyes and tears began to fall. She felt her hand getting wet and opened them to see the tears falling on the doll. It also appeared to be crying. She looked at it and it looked back and suddenly she felt lighter. Like she was watching a stronger woman. She heard her daughter speak from far off. She looked at the camera. The light turned green.

She came out meekly, a slight gimp between her steps as her flesh leg worked to compensate for her prosthetic. It seemed to land harder with each step. Much of the audience cheered and she even saw many from those who would come to hate her applaud initially. As if they were saying we see you, we’re sorry, but shit happens. When the Congressman entered, his hands aloft as if he were already victorious, his supporters made sure they yelled louder than need be. They stood and called as if they were at a football game cheering for their team. As if all outcomes in life were a game. As if all games could end in death.

“Thank you, thank you,” the Congressman began. “First and foremost I would like to thank the courageous Mary Gardner for being here tonight and graciously asking me to be with her and speak during this terrible time. You all know me. I grew up right here in town. My cousin owns a pawn shop right down the block. My family has a farm on the outskirts. I’d still be here supporting our community if you hadn’t voted to send me to Washington. Now I’m doing all I can for you there. But when a tragedy occurred in the place I grew up I felt compelled to come here and speak to you all. And I’m glad we have a survivor here with us to speak for the other side and I hope you will all respect her during this friendly and open talk. Ms. Gardner?”

“Thank you Congressman Ross. I know how very busy you must be. I’m not sure how these things usually go.”

“Well ma’am, you are welcome to say anything you like and I will do my best to respond to your concerns and the concerns of our town. Things are sometimes more complicated than people give them credit for.”

Complicated. That wasn’t how she would describe her daughters death.

“If you’d like I can start. Give you time to compose yourself.” He didn’t wait for her to answer.

“Folks what happened is a tragedy. Sadly tragedies happen every day. We can’t live in fear or renounce our God given rights each time horrors befall us. We have to stand together and weather the storm. We have to reach out and heal. Together. But what we can’t do is go against everything our founding fathers instilled in us. This patriotic legacy we are proud to bear sure as we bear arms.”

Half of the crowd erupted. The other half looked disgusted. She approached her microphone and in seeing this the Congressman did his best to calm his supporters so that she might speak. He had already gotten what he wanted.

As she spoke she found it was not her voice but seemingly hundreds crying out. She felt like a conductor from beyond.

“Mr. Ross, do you know what year the 2nd Amendment was written?”

He smiled and fumbled for a moment. She let him off the hook.

“1791. Over 200 years ago. I like to think we’re a lot smarter since then but that ain’t necessarily the truth. You speak of our founding fathers. Do you know they didn’t allow guns to be carried inside big cities? Did you know every man who owned a gun was subject to inspection and if his gun didn’t meet the requirements for a well regulated militia, such as being sawed off, that it was confiscated and destroyed? Our founding fathers weren’t stupid. Did you know Ronald Reagan supported gun control? Did you know that it wasn’t until the NRA found that they were losing members 50 years ago that they stirred up this blatant lie that has become the Republican party’s false interpretation of what the 2nd Amendment means? Do you know how much money they contribute to your party? Do you know how much they’ve given you? Do you know how much the government offered me for my daughter’s life? Or the lives of the 12 other victims last week? Did you know that you went to school with the shooter? He was a few years behind you. Did you know that he bought the gun locally? Did you know your cousin sold it to him without performing a background check because he knew him?”

The Congressman looked uneasy and began looking for an escape. Where were his aides? How had this derailed so quickly? He was being blindsided and half of the crowd stared at him like a monster come down from the hills.

“Ms. Ross I will certainly have my people look into these claims but we can’t judge the actions of a single man to reflect us all. Guns are as much a part of our world as cars and cars kill more people than shootings. Should we then ban all cars?”

“My daughter wasn’t killed by a car. Cars don’t create quarter sized holes through your body. Cars don’t make your ear explode when you’re a 10 year old girl trying to fix your pigtails in the grocery store. They don’t make a man fall in front of you squeezing his neck hoping it will stop bleeding. Don’t make a woman slouch in the bread aisle holding a stomach that won’t ever carry no baby. Don’t make your leg give out from the knee down while you’re trying to carry your screaming child to safety only to realize she ain’t screaming no more. Sure, this man did that. He made the choice. But you enabled him by giving him the ability. You made it so easy for him. Ain’t no difference between pushing a button and pulling a trigger. I know this won’t change anything. Not as long as selfish cowards like you overcompensate and live in an adolescent fantasy. Not as long as companies keep paying you to look the other way. We’re a long way from change but sadly we’re only another month away from the next shooting.”

He started to wave his hands and force a smile and talk over her. He made every promise he could and retreated from the stage. She stood there for a long while watching the crowd turn on each other until the authorities began to disperse them. She saw through the curtains the Congressman yelling at his aides, his career going down in flames. She saw all of this through her eyes and through the eyes of her daughters doll. She faced it so that they could both watched the camera during the chaos. The light stared back at them. It remained green.