The Graduation Present

He awoke at first light and flung his arm over the edge of the bed in a panic and felt for her. She was where he had left her the night before. She had not stirred nor moved. He pressed his face against the pillow with all the hope and dread of the world joined in an infinite second and laid flat his palm to her belly and cast aside his atheism to approach prayer. Her soft fur rose and fell, briefly and shallow but a breath at that. He looked over the bed and stared longingly at her and she on her side half turned her head to meet his gaze and ask of him what he wanted.

It’s alright, girl. He smiled. Go on back to sleep.

She laid her head back to the carpet and wheezed before drifting again. He longed for the days when she would sleep in bed with him. Laying there as a perfect curve breathing against him and in sync and turning her belly toward the ceiling upon waking and expecting him to scratch her then and there. But she hadn’t been able to get into the bed for some time. He initially took to lifting her himself but it made it more difficult when she would need to get up in the middle of the night to relieve herself or bark at some distant rustling in the outer dark of the woods. Now she slept on a folded blanket on the floor that carried with it the patchwork of his family, dead relatives, an heirloom as much hers as it was his.

He did not sleep now but watched her for a further hour. Watched her lips upturn and nose wrinkle. Watched her back leg kick while treading dreams. Watched as the light from the window passed across the floor and came to rest on her golden hair as though heaven would accept her then and there.

Not yet you don’t, he whispered.

When he finally rose from bed she opened her thin eye slits and watched him without moving as if she couldn’t be bothered with his morning rituals. When he had finished he came to her and knelt with both hands finding and rubbing the spots she loved most and he kissed her on the nose and gently nibbled at her ear. He dug his hand into her soft underbelly and scratched her hide while twisting his fingers in the fur. The patterns that remained resembled crop circles or a star field. Her own constellation. Canis Ventri. The dog belly.

You don’t want to get up do you?

Her upturned eye whirled until he could see the white around it. A dark set marble carrying a faint penumbra. She made no attempt to move.

Maybe I can persuade you. He bent to her ear and whispered in the softest call imaginable the word bacon.

Her hooded ears perked and her eye slits widened and she struggled to raise her head and with him so close she extended her tongue to lick him. He stood and walked towards the door expecting her to attach to his side and follow like a shadow beneath his fingers but when he looked back she had not yet risen. She couldn’t. He bit his lip and swallowed something like grief and came back to her and helped her up. Her legs shook and quivered like barges during a storm and he helped her straighten her hip and stand. When she was fully erect she began to walk not with confidence but with the uncertainty of a newborn testing strange new appendages. She was satisfied with them and walked towards the door while he sat watching her. At the door she turned and waited for him. Where is this promised bacon?

In the kitchen she sprawled out on the cool tile while he cooked. He took four thick cuts of bacon from the package and dropped them in the pan. They sizzled and spat and her nose tested the air eagerly. He flipped and turned them a few times then placed them on a plate. He cut two pieces into inches and grabbed her food bowl and garnished what dry food she had. He slid one piece to the bottom as a prize then he drizzled the dry food with a bit of the pooling grease. He placed it in front of her and she ate heartily, her jaws smacking and a thick drool forming there. He sat next to her and watched as he ate his bacon.

She was seventeen and had held every bit of her youth until two years prior. Things began slowly. She slept more, ate less. Her enthusiasm for walks or play had subsided. Her brow had grayed and furrowed and to the world at large she wore a scowl. Her breathing had become labored. Gone were the days where she would run rampant through the fields, leaping in the high grass with all legs aloft and set like a deer vaulting to the sky and torpedoing to the earth in hunt. The past month had been especially hard and prompted a trip to the veterinarian. They checked her vitals and did tests. The vet sat with them in the little room and spoke as if she wasn’t there.

She’s lived seventeen years. I don’t think you could ask for more than that.

He cracked an accepting smile and his eyes went wet. The room and the shape of the vet blurred like rain soaked streets. His hands never left her head.

I know. What can I do? How long?

I’d say a week or so. You have some options. You can bring her here. We can come out to your place. It will be painless and you can be with her. You can let her go naturally but that can be painful at times if she’s struggling to breath.

He nodded at all of this and thanked him. He walked her out and she carried herself with pride past the younger barking dogs and in the face of certainty. When they were in the car with her in the passenger seat as his always faithful navigator he looked at her and said in a muffled voice that there was no way she was dying here. She buried her head in the crook of his neck and pushed back with all her might. It was how she hugged and it felt to him like an agreement on the matter.

After bacon he continued a day dedicated to her. She was given treats on the hour and lavished with constant attention. He laid her favorite toy before her. She gave it a nudge with her nose but did not indulge in her normal biting. Instead she laid her front paws over it and settled.

He took her outside to make and she squatted and her thin bony legs began to quake and give way. He reached under her for support and then finally pulled her entirely onto his lap to steady her. Weightless there among the grass she let forth a small stream. She had nothing more to give. A few drops splashed onto his shoe but he cared not.

Good girl, he said.

He let her walk around until she found a plot of grass to plop upon. She smelled a daisy. A grasshopper took flight, crashed into her nose and fell like the lone conscript to some aborted plague. She sniffed at it and it turned itself upright and took off, her steady gaze following it through the air.

He took her back inside and she dropped onto the soft rug. She laid with her head pointed and her bushy tale flared out and all four legs scissored and separated like a fox caught in perpetual run. He laid beside her on his bad shoulder and held her close. Her whole life he had lived under the code that hers was the greater need. Any annoyance or triviality brushed aside. He would suffer in the moment if it meant her happiness. He spoke to her plainly and as equal without a tinge of false pretense or coddling in his voice.

I remember you now as I did the first day I saw you, full of loveliness. Every mistake I made in my life prior to you brought us together and because of that I recant nothing. The slightest shift in my fortunes might have meant our undoing and so I’ll live with all past failures and shame because to hold you has been worth it all.

He kissed her and her tail fluttered. As her breathing became slower his became more rapid with heartache. Not yet. Just hold on. He got up and went to the refrigerator and pulled out a slice of chocolate cake on a plate.

I asked the grocer what the best was. He assured me this is the most expensive and delicious cake they have. It’s special. Like you.

She opened her eyes curious as to what this food she had never tasted could be. He laid it in front of her and covered his mouth and began to cry as she ate the dark and delicious cake. He hadn’t seen her so excited in over a year and his sobs sang out in a sort of somber joy believing there was something more in the act of this than mercy.

When she finished he sat beside her and ran his hands over her coat with the same love and wonder as when she first ran into his arms. In a few moments she began to seize then shiver with the entirety of her body. He held her in finality repose thinking my god what have I done. Between the moment she was there and the moment she was gone could not be measured. The room simply emptied. He wailed out incredible cries and great strands of mucous mixed with his tears ran. He covered his face with both hands to keep from tainting her coat.

After a long while he found he had nothing left. He began to move through will and grief alone. He took her favorite blanket and rolled her up in it as meticulously as making a bed. He hefted her up into his arms and headed outside and up a hill. They looked like the cover to a tragedy caught there in magic hour with a golden gild draped across the trees and the last remaining light of the day burning off farther and farther down the horizon and he carrying her like an infant swaddled in his arms to a place of final rest.

He placed her delicately at the top of a hill near a copse of trees where she would often lay and survey her land. He went to the shed and selected a shovel and began to dig. Every time he thought he had gone deep enough he would look at the blanket ferrying her body and dig deeper. Finally he came to some acceptance and placed her inside and said a few words just for her. He pitched the first dirt as softly as he could across her. Then another. Then another. Soon the loose dirt had disappeared and so had she.

He went inside and grabbed several beers and returned to her and sat next to the soft mound. He was dirt stained and his face was mud streaked from the tears. He drank heavily and cried out to the night and damned all gods together. He wasn’t particular. When there was nothing left to be said or drank he laid back onto the cool night grass and gazed at distance stars gazing back and laid his hand over where she now lay. He was with her tonight. Tomorrow, for the first time in seventeen years, he would sleep alone.