PACO Calling TACO - 15

This conversation happened late at night, early in the morning for Russia, after key Senate races were called for Democrats in 2026 midterm elections.

"Hello, Donnie?"

"Hello, Vlad." [lethargic]

"Are you upset, Donnie?"

"About what?"

"About losing the midterm elections?"

"Well, I was not on the ballot. So I couldn't lose them, Vlad. I wasn't on the ballot. It's the stupid Republicans who don't know how to fight. They lost them. It's not my fault they lost."

"Sure, Donnie."

"Can you imagine, Vlad, many of them didn't even want me to campaign for them! Like they could do without my support. So they've learned their lesson, I guess. Or maybe not. I really don't care now. I really don't care."

"What do you mean, you don't care, Donnie? Aren't you afraid of being a lame duck for the rest of your term?"

"Not right now, Vlad. Right now I'm just tired and wanna go to sleep. Really wanna go to..." [slurring words, fading]

"Wait, Donnie, don't you wanna know who will win in Michigan?"

"Nah, not interested. They'll probably elect that Muslim terrorist... They are so slow counting the votes, Vlad! Do you know why they are so slow?"

"How would I know, Donnie? It's your country not mine. But yes, why are they so slow? Even Alaska is counting faster than Michigan."

"Who knows?" [even slower] "It's full of terrorists and fraudsters. Maybe they are doing fraud there." [perking up suddenly] "Really, Vlad, what if they are doing fraud, cooking up the results for Mohamed there?"

"Mohamed?"

"Or whatever his name is. You know who I mean. Can you imagine, he said he'd force me to call him Senator in January? Force me to call him Senator! And what if it really becomes true?"

"What will you do then, Donnie?"

"I don't know, Vlad. That's my worst nightmare. My worst nightmare, really. Do you have a spare bunker? I didn't even have enough time to finish mine."

"Of course I do, Donnie. I have several spare bunkers."

"Really?"

"I do, really. Why do you sound so surprised, Donnie?"

"Because whenever I asked you about your bunkers, you were always so evasive. Kept me guessing, Vlad. Always kept me guessing."

"Well, this time is different. I just want to cheer you up a little, Donnie."

"So, can I come to one of your bunkers if I have to run?"

"Of course, Donnie. But why would you have to run?"

"Oh, those f*cking Dems will make my life hell, Vlad. They will try to impeach me again, and start all sorts of investigations. So many investigations! And not just into me, but also into my family, my son's businesses. And into Russia again."

"Russia??? Why would they do that? What have I done this time?"

"Just because they can, Vlad. It's always 'Russia, Russia, Russia' for them. And you are not really helping, Vlad. Not really helping."

"Me??? What did I do?"

"Why didn't you finish your war with Ukraine, Vlad? It would've been easier for me if I could get this win. But you just don't want to, do you?"

"You know that I can't lose this war, Donnie, we've been over this so many times. And now without your support I will not be able to win. Do you think the Dems will start helping Ukraine again?"

"Of course they will. That's why you should have finished it already, Vlad. We both would have taken a win."

"Here you go again. I am doing my best, already. I have erased their cities and bombed their infrastructure and they just refuse to give in."

"Who?"

"The f*cking Ukrainians, who else?"

"Ah, I see. Yesssss. You have to give it to them, Vlad, they are very brave people. Very brave."

"Ohhh, I see this conversation is not going anywhere I'd like it to, Donnie. You must be tired. Let's talk another time. Good night." [hangs up]

"Good night. I am really tired, Vlad..." [fades into sleep, exhausted]