Moscow's Calling - 13

This conversation happened on January 1, 2024.

“Hello, Donnie?”

“Hello, Vlad! You are calling me again!”

“Yes, just to wish you a Happy New Year. I hope it’s a better one for you than the one just ended.”

“And for you too, Vlad. Happy New Year! I hope you get your wish. What’s your big wish, by the way?”

“To end the Ukraine.”

“Wow, the entire country?”

“No, I want to win the war and keep what I’ve got. They can have the rest, I don’t need the western Ukraine. And I’ll get Kiev later. I just need to withdraw, regroup, gather my strength and resources and then I can take Kiev.”

“Do you need Kiev?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s where Russia started in the 7th century. Kiev is the mother of all Russian cities.”

“Oh, I see. 7th century, ah? Your country is so old!”

“Tell me about it. Not like America, which is just a baby in terms of country age.”

“But a very strong, powerful baby, don’t you think, Vlad?”

“Not now, Donnie, Biden has made it a lot weaker. They need you back as a president, to make America strong and powerful again.”

“Don’t I know it, Vlad. Don’t I know it.”

“So, that’s my New Year’s wish for you then, Donnie, to get elected American president again.”

“It might be harder than you think, Vlad.”

“Oh, really, why?”

“Colorado and Maine have disqualified me from the primaries ballots. Can you believe it, disqualified me, people's favorite president? Now the people there can’t vote for me.”

“I’ve heard about it, Donnie, that sucks. But what does it really mean? Can you win without those states?”

“Technically, I still can. They don’t have that many electoral college votes, only 14 together.”

“See, then why worry at all?”

“Because if another swing state does the same, I’m screwed. It has to be a big state, though, like Pennsylvania or Georgia. A big state. Then I may not get enough electoral votes to win.”

“And what is the likelihood of that?”

“Well, Pennsylvania has Democrats in power now, so they might try a stunt like that. But my support there is strong, I can see riots in their future if they try to disqualify me. Huge riots, Vlad, I'm sure.”

“Aha, I can see that. And Georgia?”

“The fucking Fanny Willis is after me there, like a mad bitch that she is. If I am convicted of the election interference, I may not be eligible to run there at all.”

“What's the likelihood of that?”

“She wants the August trial date. So that may be not bad, because we’ll be done with the primaries then. I just need to become the GOP candidate.”

“So it’s not so bad then altogether, Donnie. Maybe you worry too much for no reason?”

“Easy for you to say, Vlad. You don’t have to deal with this every day.”

“I have to deal with my own problems, Donnie.”

“Yeah, like what? Your people still love and support you, don’t they?”

“I don’t know anymore. This fuckers in the Ukraine are draining me and wearing me out. I thought I’d take Kiev in three days and it’s already two years. I just shelled their cities mercilessly like three days ago. And they are still standing. Why wouldn’t they just give up and surrender???”

“Beats me, Vlad. Didn’t they bomb one of your cities too?”

“They wish! It was just a small terrorist attack, but enough to send my people into panic. I’ll see what the UN has to say about it. We’ve called for an urgent Security Council meeting.”

“Right? I seriously don’t understand, Vlad, don't understand at all why the Ukrainians are putting up so much resistance? Useless resistance for them. Even they know you’d still win and that you only want to take what’s yours, right?”

“Exactly! Like it or not, they’ll have to give up and put up.”

“See, you at least have some certainty, belief that you will win. Me, not so much.”

“Why, we just talked about it, it doesn’t seem you have too much to worry about.”

“You forgot the deranged Jack Smith. He's still after me for January 6 and classified documents. Can you believe that?”

“Ah, how’s that going?”

“We are waiting for the Supremes to decide if my presidential immunity applies after I left the office. I believe it does, and my lawyers do, too. Also, that my presidential authority extends to the documents I took.”

“Can the Supremes drag it out until you get elected?”

“I hope so. But they are also under a lot of pressure.”

“From whom? Who is above them, to put pressure on them? Aren’t they the supreme judges, their own bosses?”

“Yes, they are, technically. But even so, they are under the pressure of public scrutiny. Pressure from the people, they say, especially after the stupid Clarence Thomas got caught using rich people’s perks.”

“See, Donnie, that’s the problem with democracy – everyone has to be accountable to fucking stupid people. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with anything like that.”

“I’m so jealous! I want to be a dictator too! It’s my favorite new word now – dic-ta-tor.”

“So, you just get elected and then we will work on getting you all the dictatorial powers. You’ll have to kill the free press as your first move.”

“I’ve figured that out already. Kill the free press! So tired of their fake news and bashing me!”

“See, you are smart! And then everything else will be much easier!”

“I hope so, Vlad. You always make me feel better about myself. Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Donnie. I have to go now, but let’s keep talking.”

“Sure, Vlad. Happy New Year to you and yours again!”

“Thanks, Donnie. Bye!”

“Bye, Vlad!” After hanging up, “I’ll call you soon for your Christmas.”