"I Want Them All Arrested!"

This conversation happened on July 7, 2026, after the US soccer team lost 1:4 to Belgium despite Trump's interference with the call to FIFA to let the red-carded star player on the field.

"Hello, is this Secretary General Vahl-deh-see ur-kee..."

"Valdecy Urquiza, sir."

"This is President Trump."

"I know, sir."

"Can I call you Val? It's just easier for me."

"Hmmm, ok, if it's easier. No one has called me that before, but ok."

"So, I'll be the first!" [chuckles]

"That sure will be the first. What can I do for you, sir?"

"Listen, Val, I need you to issue arrest warrants for the entire Belgium soccer team and their coach."

[shocked pause]

"Are you still there, Val?"

"Yes, sir." [clears throat] "Did I hear it right, you want Interpol to issue the arrest warrants for the entire Belgium team?"

"That's right. The entire team, the coach, and the owner."

"The country of Belgium?"

"If it comes to that, yes."

"On what grounds, sir?"

"On the US grounds, of course, before they can escape my beautiful great country."

"I mean, for what? What laws have they violated?"

"So many laws, Val, they've violated so many laws! It's unbelievable how many international laws they violated!"

"Give me at least one, sir!"

"Oh, I'll give you a whole list, once I get it from Stephen. Stephen, is the list ready?"

Stephen Miller, "Yes, Mr. President, sir. It's right there in your folder, sir."

"Ok, [rustling through papers], here it is. I will just read them out as Stephen and our legal team prepared them, if it's ok with you, Val?"

"Sure, sir." [totally unsure]

"Ok, here we go. Number 1: Immigration & Entry Violations. Point 1: entering the country under false pretenses. They claimed to be athletes, but clearly came as assassins of the American team's dream of winning the World Cup. Assassins is such a good word, Val. They came here like assassins."

"Did they kill anyone?"

"As I said, they killed my team's dream of winning. But that's not all, Val. Point 2: Overstaying their welcome. They were supposed to lose and go home right away..."

"But they've won, sir, and will be moving on to the next round."

"And that's what I'm trying to tell you here, Val. They haven't won. Or if they did, they did so illegally. They rigged the game! But even that is not all on the list. Let me finish, Ok?"

"Ok, sir?" [totally confused]

"Point 3: Failing to declare 'excessive skill' at customs, which should be a taxable import. I'm going to impose such high new tariffs on Belgium, they will regret it. They will regret it so badly!"

"Sir, even if all of this was legitimate, which it does not seem to be, immigration violations are not under the Interpol jurisdiction. You should refer that to your DHS or ICE."

"I can't do that, it will look bad on me. They are already screaming 'bloody murder' [trying his best European accent] for my call to FIFA. That's why I'm calling you, as the head of an international police agency."

"We are dealing with real crimes, President Trump, and crimes that do not relate to immigration."

"I expected you'd say that. How about war crimes?"

[gasps] "War crimes??? What kind of war crimes are committed on football fields?"

"Football? Who's talking about football? Its season hasn't even started yet. Our football season starts with college games, like in August. We are talking soccer right now, Val."

"Sure, sir. So soccer and war crimes?? How is that connected?"

"Listen to me, Val. To us, as a hosting nation, the World Cup is a battle ground. Everything happening here is like a war. We are being attacked. Attacked by everyone. Everyone is our enemy."

"Hmmm, sir, do you have specific examples?"

"Of course I do. Let me read them off again, from the list my tremendous team of lawyers and Stephen put together. It's just so impressive, listen to this, Val. This is Number 2: On-Field War Crimes. Point 1: scoring in the 8th minute before American fans had finished their hot dogs -- a direct attack on the fan experience and enjoyment of the game. Point 2: Ro-me-lu Lu-ka-ku (what a funny name, like ka-ka, did you know he had a name like that?) scoring in stoppage time when it was already 3-1. This is just cruel and unusual punishment, basically torture. Point 3: De Ke-te-lae-re scoring twice -- that's double the crimes, actually. Point 4: Belgium bringing on offensive substitutes when already winning by two goals, which constitutes deliberate humiliation, offense of a host nation's pride and dignity. Point 5: Exploiting America's defensive "liabilities" (I guess this is about Tim Ream failing to kick the ball out?) -- the press will be told these were actually Belgian sabotage."

"With all due respect, sir, this all sounds more and more ridi..."

"Redeemable, right? Are you going to look into this, Val?"

"War crimes, if you want to frame it like this, are the ICC jurisdiction, sir."

"But we are not a party to the ICC. We have nothing to do with them."

"Good for you, Mr. President, quite literally."

"Can you look at least into bribery, sabotage, and international conspiracy? Those are crimes Interpol would look into, aren't they?"

"Ok, what do you have on your list, sir?" [resigned]

"Aha, you got me! You must be so smart! But then they wouldn't put a stupid person in charge of the international police, right? So, Number 3 on our list: Bribery, Sabotage, and International Conspiracy. Point 1: The Belgian team must have bribed the referees with their world-famous waffles and chocolates, probably spiked with CBD and other marijuana products we just made illegal. You could also investigate how they smuggled those products into the US and across the state lines. Point 2: Thi-baut Cour-tois saving Balogun's best shot -- his goalkeeping so good it must be illegal. Point 3: Belgium somehow won despite Trump personally calling FIFA to get Balogun reinstated -- clear evidence of international conspiracy. Point 4: Beating the US team for the seventh straight time since 1930, a pattern too consistent to be coincidence; clearly a decades-long organized criminal enterprise."

"Sir, I will need hard evidence and clear proof of everything you just listed. In writing."

"Ok, we will submit it to you. Right, Stephen? Right?" [Stephen is biting his nails] "Seems we may not have evidence after all. How about if we present it as Existential Crimes Against America and its favorite president, me?"

"How so, sir?"

"Well, the Belgians made sixty-seven thousand Americans cry in Seattle on a Monday night, ending the 'summer of soccer love.' Just ending it brutally and abruptly. This is emotional terrorism, I was told. Besides, they mocked me personally with their endless OVERTURN THIS! memes and trolled the famous Trump dance at the end of the match."

"I'm afraid I can't do anything about these, sir, they are just your perceptions, not facts."

"How about doing this as a personal favor to me, Val?"

"I won't be able to do it, sir. Interpol's reputation is at stake. We need solid evidence and justification of allegations for any arrest warrant."

"You do understand that I can pull the American funding from Interpol at any moment, right, Val? Let's see how much your organization will be able to do then."

"Of course you can, sir. But I don't think you need another international soccer-related scandal on your hands, Mr. President, during the World Cup you are hosting."

"So, are you going to help me or not?"

"I'm afraid I can't, sir."

"Ok, bye then. Thanks for nothing." To Miller, "Find out who appointed him. Also, see if we can really pull the funding from them. Let's see if Interpol can survive without America... This fucking game was rigged and I want a do-over!" [fuming and cursing]