Calling Moscow - 25

This conversation happened on May 7, 2024, the day Vladimir Putin was inaugurated as Russia's President for the 5th term ending in 2030 and Donald Trump had to sit through Stormy Daniels' testimony during his hush money trial.

"Hello, Vlad?"

"Hi, Donnie!" (chipper)

"I am calling you to congratulate you on the inauguration. I've watched some of it on TV, it was very impressive. Tremendously impressive."

"Only a part of it, Donnie? You didn't watch the whole thing?"

"I couldn't Vlad, you know I'm tied up in court, in that sham trial! There was nothing I'd rather do than watch your inauguration! Nothing! But I had to sit in that sham trial!"

"Yeah, I understand, Donnie. See, that's a disadvantage of your democracy: They can put you on trial. I'm totally immune to that, for at least six more years."

"Oh, Vlad, you can't even imagine how jealous I am for that! So jealous! I wish I could just leave that sham trial."

"So why can't you, Donnie? Just don't go or better yet, walk out in the middle of it."

"I'll be put to jail for that, Vlad. Judge Merchan, by the way, Vlad, did you notice how handsome he is? Like a judge from Central Casting or from some court TV drama?"

"Yeah, yeah, Donnie, he is handsome alright. So what about him?"

"What about him?"

"You just started saying something about him and then switched to how handsome it was."

"Yeah? When?"

"Just now, Donnie, you started saying something about jail..."

"Ah, yeah, Judge Merchan will put me to jail if I don't show up or walk out."

"Did he say so himself?"

"No, but that's how the court system works."

"Did you try it, though? You are a former president, Donnie! If I were in your place I'd push the envelope, just to see what he would do."

"I don't want to risk that, Vlad. I just can't see myself in jail, in an orange jumpsuit. Can you imagine that? I can't. Not in a million years."

"It's your call, Donnie, but I honestly would do it if I were you."

"Really, why?"

"It would be good optics for your supporters, Donnie. Imagine them seeing you in the orange jumpsuit. They'd be all so outraged about you being unfairly prosecuted that they'd run to the polling stations on the election day."

"You really think so, Vlad?"

"Yes, Donnie! It would be such a great mobilizing picture. Remember your mug shot? This one would have even a more explosive effect!"

"I don't know, Vlad. I'll have to think about it. I really don't wanna go to jail."

"Well, OK, tell me how today went in the court."

"Horrible, Vlad, absolutely horrible!"

"Really? Why?"

"Horseface testified today and it was so bad my lawyers tried to move for a mistrial. She was so horrible, Vlad, so horrible!"

"How so, Donnie?"

"She told such horrible things about that one time, so bad! I couldn't even look at her, she was so disgusting! I just watched her on the monitor, she was so disgusting!"

"Ha! What was so disgusting, Donnie? Did she lie to drown you?"

"Well, I have to keep denying the entire story, Vlad, you understand that, right? Keep saying that she lied to extort money from me."

"Right, that's your main strategy. Deny, deny, deny!"

"Exactly! But she was giving them such salacious details! So salacious that I think they believed her. Also, she says the same things all the time, so my lawyers can't catch her in the lie."

"Oooff, that's tough. So, what was the mistrial move about?"

"My lawyers said she's too vindictive. She wants her revenge against me. And she doesn't want to pay the half a million she owes for defaming me. This is her chance at her big revenge. Also, most of her testimony was irrelevant for the case. Did you know that, Vlad? That the jurors can be swayed by her testimony against me."

"Good move by your lawyers on mistrial, and what happened?"

"Nothing. Judge Merchan denied the motion. Just denied it."

"Wow! Why?"

"He said he'd instruct the jurors to disregard irrelevant testimony and some of her testimony will be stricken off the record."

"That's stupid. The jurors will still have bias in their minds. It's in their heads already. Can you appeal?"

"I don't know. I'll have to ask my lawyers. Anyway, Horseface has done a lot of damage to me today, Vlad. So much damage!"

"Do you want me to take care of her for you, Donnie? It would be so easy for me, and I'm feeling charitable today, so just say a word."

"Oh no, Vlad, that would be too obvious. I don't want her to die."

"We could just have her disappear and make her rescind her testimony. Buy her a private island or something."

"Let me think about it, Vlad. That might not be such a bad idea."

"Just don't wait too long, Donnie, it will take me some time to find the right people to get to her."

"Thanks, Vlad, I really appreciate it. Oh, I just got good news: Judge Cannon has delayed my documents case indefinitely."

"Ah, that's nice. Really good news, Donnie. Hopefully, all your other cases will fall apart too."

"I hope so too, Vlad. The worst one is in the Supreme Court, on immunity. I hope that my Justices will just keep stalling it until the election. If they delay it, I win."

"Great, so indeed some good news for you today too."

"Yes, but tell me about your big day today! Did it feel good, to be sworn in as the president again?"

"It's not like I was doing it for the first time, Donnie."

"I know, Vlad, the sixth, right?"

"The fifth, one time Dimon was just warming the seat for me."

"Dimon? Who's that?"

"Oh, Donnie, don't you remember anything? Dmitry Medvedev, whom I appointed to be the president to break my two terms. I couldn't go for the third one consecutively."

"Ah, I vaguely remember something."

"Anyway, at some point today, I was so bored waiting for them to start the ceremony, I started looking at the paintings in the Kremlin hallway."

"Oh, wow, Vlad, you are so cool! I wish I could be with you there, instead of the courtroom!"

"Me too, Donnie, and you know that you are welcome here any time. For now, I'll just send you some pics."

"Are you doing your Victory Day parade this year, Vlad? I still hope to come to one of your military parades! They look like so much fun!"

"Of course, Donnie! More than that, this year we will feature some of the war trophies - NATO tanks, vehicles and equipment we destroyed and captured in the Ukraine. It will be a great parade!"

"That's so smart, Vlad! You are so smart! Russians are so lucky to have you!"

"Thank you, Donnie. I really have to go now, I'm dead beat."

"Me too. Good night, Vlad!"

"And you have a good rest of your day, Donnie."