Calling Moscow - 15

This conversation happened on June 24, 2023 as the news of Wagner rebellion reached the United States.

“Vlad, Vlad, Vlad!” (excited, concerned)

“Yes, hi, Donnie, what is it?” (annoyed)

“I’m watching the news from Russia. Seems like your cook has gone rogue? Who could have ever thought? Are you safe?”

“Yes, Donnie, I am quite safe, thanks for asking.”

“That’s what friends do. I couldn’t get through right away, so I was really worried.”

“Thank you, I am really fine.”

“Are you in your bunker?”

“What is it with your obsession with bunkers, Donnie?”

“Well, remember how bad people were making fun of me that one time? Just one time, when my Secret Service made me go to the White House bunker because of effing antifa protestors. Not even a bunker, just a basement. They called me weak and a coward…”

“I remember, Donnie. No one in Russia will call me that. Ever. Especially after they see what I’m going to do to the traitors.”

“Oh, I would love to see that! What are you going to do to the traitors, Vlad?”

“Google up images for Progozhin and floor mop, I’ll wait” (proud).

“Oh my god, this is what comes up as the first image, Vlad!” (sends an encrypted text)

“Really? That’s what comes up as the first image on your end or you are just trying to annoy me even more, Donnie?”

“I swear, Vlad, I can’t even change the Google search results… I thought it was some kind of an initiation ritual, as Prigozhin calls you ‘father’ lovingly.”

“You must be really stupid, Donnie! It’s a form of torture, especially in Russian prisons.”

“Ouch, no need to call me stupid, Vlad, but I understand your frustration. I think you might like this one better. Your crooked cook looks like a girl here” (sends another encrypted text).

“Oh my god, Donnie! This is even worse!”

“Worse?? But how? He is clearly wearing a dress here, how is it for a tough military chief?”

“It’s a scene from the Swan Lake ballet. It had always been played on TV when a Soviet Communist Party leader died, and his sycophants couldn’t tell the Soviet people the truth. This is an image wishing death upon me, Donnie!”

“Oh, that's too bad, Vlad. I see why you are upset, but don’t be mad at me for not knowing your cultural stuff. I wish I could un-send it.”

“Yeah, me too. I wish I could un-see it. But he does look like a girl, doesn’t he? Many girls, in fact.” (both chuckle)

“Oh my god, Vlad, I see on the news that your cook has taken Rostov. Are you losing control of the situation in Russia, Vlad?”

“Of course not, Donnie, everything is going according to the plan.”

“Are you sure? Whose plan? I’m reading the British intel report and they are saying otherwise.”

“Since when do you trust British intel, especially after they spread the Golden Shower info?”

“Yeah, but this seems legit. Are you a loser, Vlad?

“No, I’m not.”

“Looks like you are, Vlad!” (singing like a kindergarten bully)

“No I’m not!” (snaps angrily).

“Here’s another report, from the French this time. They are saying you are losing control and fleeing to St.Pete from Moscow. Are you in Moscow, Vlad?”

“Why does it matter?” (getting wound up).

“Because the commander in chief of a warring army must stay in the capital, with his people. Remember how the whole world was admiring Zelenskyy when he stayed in Kiev in the first days of war? Now, that’s a leader. A true, strong leader. Like him or hate him, and I hate him more than I like him for the impeachment, you have to admire his courage. ‘I need ammo, not a ride!’ I wish I could come up with a line like that!”

“Tell me more about what I should admire about that clown, a disgrace of the Jewish people, Donnie!” (menacingly)

“Oh, I didn’t know he was a Jew. I like Jews. My daughter is a Jew now.”

“There’s too many things you don’t know, Donnie! Honestly, your stupidity knows no bounds.”

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from a loser like you! L-O-S-E-R, with capital L!” (more kindergarten-like chanting)

“Oh, for god’s sake, Donnie, what are you, seven?”

“More like 77, Vlad, but you are a loser!”

Long beeps.

***

Trump, posting on Truth Social: “Seems like there’s a new leader in Russia. I know Prigozhin well, I had to deal with him when we negotiated about Syria. He is a strong, determined commander from Central Casting. I wish my generals were like him, not like losers Kelly and Mattis. And he is a big patriot of Russia. I can negotiate with him. Remember, only your favorite president can stop the deaths in Russia and Ukraine!”

***

Two hours later, after the news of Prigozhin's surrender was reported:

“Vlad, I’m so sorry about that post (I deleted it) and for calling you a loser. Are we still friends?”

“Oh, f*** off, Donnie! We are not friends anymore!”

Looking at the phone, “But I did say I’m sorry. Oh my god, what have I done? Need to post something nice about Vlad on Truth Social..."