Calling Moscow - 13

This conversation happened on May 3, 2023, after a drone exploded above the dome of the Senate Palace in the Kremlin.

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, Donnie.”

“Phew. You are alive!”

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, just saw that horrible drone attack on the Kremlin. Horrendous attack! The way that drone exploded was scary! So scary I couldn’t believe it. Was it really aiming at your residence?”

“Looks like it, we are still trying to establish that.”

“Horrible, just horrible! Are you OK?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be? That drone was actually zapped by our protection system, so there’s virtually no damage.”

“Dunno. When I was under the attack by the BLM protesters in the White House, I had to move into the basement. The Secret Service guys said I had to. I didn’t wanna. The basement, Vlad, not even a bunker! The media made fun of me for weeks. They don’t know how scary it can be.”

“I remember, Donnie. Yeah, those protesters were scary.” To the side, “Try having a whole country as your enemy.”

“Are you alright, Vlad? Did it affect you in any way?”

“No, I wasn’t even there.”

“Phew. I am so relieved to hear that! You can’t even imagine! So where exactly are you?”

“You don’t need to know that, Donnie, I don’t want you have the burden of that knowledge.”

“I would like to know that you are safe. Are you in a bunker?”

“I am safe, Donnie. I’m not even in Moscow. And now after this horrific terrorist act I won’t go there for a long time.”

“Really?? Wait, but weren’t you supposed to be at the Victory Day parade?”

“I was indeed. But now my security officers believe it is not safe for me. So, I’m not going. It’s not even a round date any way.”

“A round date? What is that?”

“That’s what we call anniversaries in years that can be divided by 5 and 10 with a whole number.”

“Don’t hurt my brain with math, Vlad.”

“It really is simple, Donnie. The war started in 1941, so the next round date will be 85 years in 2026…”

“Wait, which war are you talking about?”

“The Great Patriotic War.”

“Interesting. Never heard of it. Is it like Russia’s civil war?”

“No, Donnie, that was in early 1920s. This is what you call the Second World War.”

“But I thought it started in 1939, when Hitler took Poland.”

“Not for us. Hitler attacked the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941, and we mark that day as the start of the Great Patriotic War.”

“Fascinating. Great name, too. Maybe I should start a war in the US and call it a ‘Great Patriotic War.’ The war the likes of which no one saw before, where my patriots take the country back.”

“That is not a bad idea, Donnie, let me know if you need any help with that.” To the side, “Dream on!”

“I will, Vlad, I promise. But going back to the parade, what do you celebrate on May 9?”

“The end of the Great Patriotic War, marked by the Nazi Germany’s capitulation.”

“Which year?”

“1945.”

“So, is it the ‘round date’ then, or what did you call it?”

“No, the round date will be in 2025, a big one, actually.”

“But you still celebrate every year?”

“Of course, it’s a huge holiday for my people. We were supposed to have the parade this year as well, but now I’m thinking I will just give a video address to them.”

“Oh, zoom in, I see.”

“Yes, zoom in. We’ll throw a big parade in 2025. 80 years to the Great Patriotic War’s end is a pretty important date. You are invited, Donnie.”

“Really?”

“Of course, I keep telling you, you have a standing invitation to my parade.”

“Well, maybe in 2025 I can attend as the US president.”

“That would be great, Donnie, we’ll show the world the power of cooperation between the two great powers.”

“2025 (thoughtfully). But it’s not the end of the Second World War, right?”

“Of course not, it ended in 1945.”

“No, Vlad, I mean May the 9th?”

“Correct. For you that would be September 1945, after you guys nuked Japan.”

“Right, I now vaguely remember. Abe wanted to take me to some memorial there, but I never went.”

“You should have, it’s a powerful place.”

“Obama did, that should be enough. Really, enough. No other US president went there before Obama. Not one. I bashed him hard for that. Poor Abe, I still can’t believe the way he died.”

“Yeah, it’s shocking.”

“You know, I’ve just spent time with another mutual friend of ours, he asked to say hi.”

“Oh yeah, who?”

“Nigel Farage. I gave him a big interview, it went well.”

“Oh, that’s great! Say hi to him back for me, will you? He is indeed a great friend.” To the side, “More like an employee who helped me make Brexit happen.”

“I would have, but I won’t see him in person again. I’m on the way to Western Ireland, to my beautiful golf resort in Doonbeg.”

“Oh, that is so cool. Like you dream of coming to my parades, I dream of coming to your golf resort, Donnie.”

“Really, Vlad? (excited). I thought you didn’t play golf?”

“I don’t, really, but I thought you could maybe teach me?”

“Of course, any time you want! Just say a word.”

“The way it goes now, it will have to be after the war and probably somewhere in Russia as I won’t be able to travel abroad for a long time. Do you want to build a golf resort in Russia, Donnie?”

“Of course, I do! That’s been my dream forever.”

“Deal, then. It would be great if you could build it somewhere on Valdai, near my favorite home.”

“The one with a bunker?”

“Here you go with the bunker again, Donnie. Bye!” After hanging up, “Let him now break his head over whether I got mad at him. He is so unbearably stupid, and fixated on the bunker. Like I’d tell him Valdai indeed has a bunker, just like twenty or so other places in Russia that are my homes.”

Trump, after hanging up, “Did I just lose the biggest deal of a century?”