A plea to Donald Trump
Return the bowler hat to its former glory
Dear Donald Trump,
Wow, it’s been an interesting four years huh? During your time in office, everything has changed. Many people have been hurt in your name, families have been separated, and people have suffered. Despite this, there is only one simple thing I want to say to you. One simple sentence that I want to shout at you from the top of my lungs while looking you right in the eyes.
I think you could pull off a bowler hat.
I vividly remember your interview with Jonathan Swan where you shamelessly defended yourself after mishandling the Covid-19 outbreak which left hundreds of thousands of Americans dead. As you sat there refusing to take accountability for what happened, all I could pay attention to was your bare head. A head that a bowler hat could sit upon, looking mighty and dignified.
Mr. Trump, to you a bowler hat may seem a dated accessory, something to be left in the early 20th century when bowler hats were in there prime. I implore you to rethink that opinion. Upon your head is where the proud bowler hat belongs.
It could be a hat of fur felt, or one made by the more modern technique of tightly spun rabbit fur or wool felt. Either will be robust and water repellent enough for a man of your lifestyle. Imagine you, soon to be former Mr. President, on your beloved golf course wearing the noble bowler hat. Or even in the palatial walls of Mara Lago, the hat would be equally gorgeous there.
Your presidency will not be remembered fondly. This cannot be remedied. Your legacy will go down in the history books as one most foul, but imagine a paragraph in those books admitting to future historians how dashing you were in your signature beloved bowler hat. Yes. That would improve the picture quite nicely, wouldn’t it?
Donald “The Bowler Hat” Trump. My what a title. What a statement that makes. When I think of you now, I think of the nasty remarks you made about women, about the way you fawned over authoritarian figures such as Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin. But by god sir, when I think of you in a bowler hat, all of your sins wash away. All of them.
You could even print the little “Make America Great Again” slogan on the bowler hat. The bowler hat does not need such a decoration as it is beautiful on its own, but if this could get you to finally wear one then I would still have my one wish satisfied. Yes, to see you in a bowler hat is my one and only wish.
Perhaps your supporters would begin sporting these bowler hats themselves. You could sell them on your website. While I do not care for your supporters or agree with their beliefs, if this is what it takes to bring back the sweet bowler hat then that is what it takes. The ends justify the means.
Here is a poem I wrote about you and the hat I speak of:
The forty-fifth president of the United States
The man who is despised, whom the public simply hates
Would simply be a hero, and nothing short of that
Were that man to wear the humble bowler hat
A hat once worn by peasants, later worn by kings
Is the most precious of all material things
Upon his golden hair, it simply is a fact,
Nothing belongs there more than the gentle bowler hat.
It took me three days to write that for you.
Mr. President, from the moment your campaign began, I felt your rise to stardom was fate. I found your policies deplorable. But god damn it that head was made for the bowler hat, as if Thomas and William Bowlers themselves had reached down from heaven and placed their blessing on to you.
I cannot say anymore without falling to tears. Please Mr. Trump, hear my plea. Honor my only wish.
Please wear the bowler hat.