Men vs. Retail

There's a reason most of us guys can't hack the long shopping trips and gruelling outfit transformations. I just haven't completely figured it out yet. Or, at least simplified it in a way our partners would fully understand and somehow take it seriously. But trust me, there is a perfectly valid reason behind our sudden buckling calves for every time we step foot into a lingerie store. There is. There really is.

I can't honestly say what it is that really comes over us as we cross that infamous threshold between a busy mall and a retail outlet. But, in essence, it's almost as if a sudden anchor has been bolted onto our ankles and we're quickly deprived of fresh-air. And it's because of that, that we feel the sudden urge to plummet to the nearest chair or cushion arranged specifically for our timely arrivals.

I can't speak for every man, of course, but I know the vast majority of us have felt it at some point. You know, that anxious feeling that our partners are going to clock on to that '50% off' sign in our peripherals. And if they do happen to see it, then we'll likely be stripped away and never see daylight again.

Shopping has always been a nightmare. But that's mainly because most of us guys prefer to buy things online and take risks when it comes to purchasing knock-off versions that'll probably be way too small for us. But every girl I've ever spoken to has always beefed up outlet shopping like it's the greatest thing on earth. And every time I hear a story about the wonders behind the world of fashion, I can't help but feel like I'm back in that perfume-riddled cube all over again.

Seems petty, I know. And trust me, we are all fully aware of it. But, then again, it's not like we pretend to hate it and just use sitting down as an excuse to 'hang out with all the boys' or whatever. We do actually hate it. And if anything, those chairs are just a bonus. At least give us that one.

I've had exes who've literally spent five to six hours walking up and down one outlet strip. ONE. OUTLET. STRIP. Not a mall. Not a whole towns worth. One single strip of about eight retail stores. That's really all there was. And despite the fact my ankles were covered in imaginary blood and my throat squealed for oxygen, they'd never cave in and realise my body was actually slowly fading away—Even with the three minute chair breaks for every five minute lap!

It's just something I don't think a lot of us guys can help, I'm afraid. That's just the way it is. And how some people can enjoy spending entire days browsing the same rails forty times over is beyond me, it really is. But, each to their own, of course. I was lucky enough to marry a woman who prefers to steal my black market clothes that don't even fit me. So, to be honest, I can't really complain too much anymore.

Yet I still feel a glimmer of sympathy for all my comrades out there. And when I do cross eyes with a tired man in a worn-in chair, I do give them my honest regards and wish them all the best. And after a quick pat on the back and a 20 second lease on my gas mask, I part ways and never see them again. Or, at least never in a different place that is. I mean, most of the time when I walk back an hour later they're still in the same place. Only they're dead. And their wives still haven't decided between the Hawaiian polo or the NY denim jacket.

We spend a crazy amount of time transforming ourselves into coat hangars or twisted trees with one too many branches. But we do that out of love. Because if we don't assist with the bags we fear we might get dragged back into the shop all over again. So whilst we do hate shopping, we kind of hate pissing off our partner's a little bit more. So we just sort of deal with it and adapt to the madness.

So guys, hang in there. Online shopping is taking brute force to assure physical markets go out of business as soon as possible. And soon enough we'll be able to sit in the comfort of our own homes and never have to worry about being unenthusiastic trees ever again. So be patient.

Girls, keep doing what you're doing. If you love the thrill of the shop, then don't give that up for a second. But please, please, just give us guys a break. And if we do happen to complain about something, just give us the satisfaction by hearing us out. Then you're free to put us in chairs and leave us alone for four hours. We'll pull through.

Oh, but if you do plan on going shopping any time soon, at least consider the online market first. Because, I mean, you never know, you might just get lucky with dodgy black market deals. Or, you know, you could just steal your partner's wardrobe. I guess that'd work, too.

- J Tury