In Surprise Move Osh Kosh B’Gosh Announces Major Rebranding Effort
Now Called OkB, Will Focus on Urban Youth Street Attire. Aging Hip Hop Icon Ice-T New Spokesmen
The Oshkosh, Wisconsin based children’s clothing retailer will completely retool it’s lineup which had in recent years begun to move away from the famous denim overall for which it is most well known. New spokesmen Tracy Lauren Marrow (Ice-T) had this to say. “Look, everybody remembers Osh Kosh B’Gosh from when they was kids. That one kid in the hood everybody beat the hell out of at the bus stop, the fat one with the denim bib. I know you remember him. He wore that dumb shit and so we all wailed on him until he cried. Anyways, we found that weird-o and fixed him up real nice in some decent rags for once. That’s the new OkB.” The company move was thought to be motivated by the success of its current skip hop line of children’s wear. It remains to be seen if this latest retooling can save the flagging retailer’s whose profits were the lowest in ten years last quarter. Sector analysts were not impressed and many pointed to the failure of last year’s Mosh Kosh B’Gosh mosh pit themed summer roll out. “Sure it sounded like a clever idea to introduce a mosh pot themed line of children’s clothes, and the name had a nice ring to it, but it turns out most parents did not think it a good idea to encourage their children to gather in small spaces to repeatedly and aggressively slam into other children as the ad campaign suggested.” said retail analyst Tom Smoothe. He continued “Hey I love Law and Order SVU as much as the next guy, but I don’t know how much street cred the Ice-T name still holds. Back in the day when Body Count was tearin shit up with hits like cop killer the name meant something to the demographic OkB is targeting, but now I just don’t see it.” Ice-T then appeared suddenly behind Mr. Smoothe and pistol whipped him viciously saying “see that n*&g%a” dropped his 9mm to the ground from shoulder height, shrugged and walked away.
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On This Day I Renew The Vow I Pledged Three Years Ago, I Shall One Day Publish The Great American Pirate Themed Novel
Almost three years ago today I took a solemn vow. I have been mocked endlessly since that time for I vowed I would some day be spoken of in the same breathe with the great American authors of pirate literature. Of all the literary sub genres the pirate novel is arguably one of the most prestigious and acclaimed. Completion and publication of a pirate focused or even pirate themed novel has been said by many to represent the greatest of literary challenges for any writer, let alone a prickly newcomer like myself. To them I say you don’t know me. You have no idea the skills I possess, the depth of knowledge of pirate culture I have obtained, the encyclopedic bank of pirate phrases, the raw talent, and frankly the ambition I bring to bear.
I trained myself to become a master pirate ship builder, went to veterinary school to study parrots, and even acted as scrub nurse for both hand to hook and shin to post replacement surgeries. I have done all things pirate, seen all things pirate, even been all things pirate. And yet still they mock me. “How could you have done pirate things?” they ask sneeringly. “There haven’t been pirates in hundreds of years.” Their stupidity annoys me but I do not have time to school these ignorami on the history of pirates and pirating in the America’s. I already did that during the two years I spent as a visiting adjunct professor in Cambridge teaching a graduate level course on the topic. I had recently traveled to England after spending three years as a deckmate on the SS Aziz, a Somali pirate raiding ship attacking and often commandeering large container vessels off the coast east Africa. While the Aziz boasted a crew of only six tough as nails Somalis and was held together with not much more than three rolls of duct tape and a lot of wishful thinking, and way too much Moroccan meth, I’d put that crew of mateys up against a team of highly trained American Seals any day. One day I did and while sadly all six were killed within seconds by sniper rounds to the head from 1000 yards, they all showed the heart of pirate that day. So to answer your question I have been a Pirate thank you very much.
I could go on and on and on but I feel I must close by repeating again the vow I so boldly proclaimed in the title of this piece and emphasize once more that while membership in the elite club of American authors of pirate themed literature is small their influence has been mighty indeed. They include some of American literature’s greatest, in any genre. For example, there’s Robert Louis Stevenson and then there’s….
You know, that one other dude.
He wrote that thing about pirates. A giant of literature he is for sure.
I will someday surpass that one dude who wrote that one thing about Pirates that one time, this I swear!
But first I need to bone up on my pirate phrases.
Author’s note: The original version of this was quite a bit more profane and frankly a bit disturbing. Search for it, if ye dare, arrggg. Note: don't bother you won't find it. Assholes at Medium still have my account suspended. Not related to the pirate post I don't think but likely it did not help my cause. lol!