I’m at a weird point of my life. I turned 23 a week ago, and I’ll be honest: It rattled me a little bit.
It scared me.
22 sounded so young still, so, free. 23 has an older sound to it, I know that sounds crazy, but it’s really made me think. Should I be on a different path?
To be brutally honest I don’t feel like I’m on any path, hence why I’m writing about it, because I really wish I knew the course I was supposed to take. The journey I’m supposed to have.
It’s just over a year since I tried to take my own life, and looking back on it, I’m happy I’m still here, but I’m unhappy with the choices I’ve made since then. Not all of them I might add. There’s been some truly wonderful moments since that day, and they’ve made me appreciate the life I’ve still got.
But, I’ve made a lot of shitty choices, and it’s getting to me. I should have a better grip on things by now, right?
Then again, this path I’ve been on so far, it’s been a windy one. An incredibly windy one, one I could’ve never predicted.
I’m seeing my friends accomplish so much, stepping into the next stages of their lives. My best friend got engaged to the love of his life this year (Congrats by the way Adam), whilst I’m still (yeah, still) trying to stop loving mine. My former bandmate got married a month ago, and they moved into their first house together.
Whilst I’m over the moon for them, it’s so nice to see them happy and on track. It just plays on my mind because I’m nowhere near that yet. When I was a teen I had an idea of what and who I wanted to be when I was this age, and yeah I’m partly there, I’ve got a kick-ass taste in films/music/books, which I’m eternally pleased with, I’ve seen some places, admittedly not enough of the ones I’d love to see, but there’s still time for that.
I thought by now I would’ve been in a relationship for a few years.
Funny to think at 15 I was hoping that I’d be daydreaming about being in a happy and stable relationship, what can I say? I’m a hopeless romantic.
Whilst I did get a shot at what I dreamed about, I fucked that up. Still reeling over it now, still feeling guilty, and still in love with someone I can’t have.
The paths we take and all that.
I don’t know, it’s going to make me sound like a cynical prick, but seeing everyone else get on with their lives so well and seeing people move on, it gets me down. It sucks because I feel like that should be me too. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.
It’s a case of lost identity I suppose, I envisioned someone I wanted to be and I haven’t lived up to that.
So instead of trying to be that person, that person who is probably never going to truly exist. I’m going to be the person that I want to be, right now. Screw the expectations of 15 year old me, he was a little shit, and didn’t know a lot about anything. Wide eyed and naïve.
Thinking about it, I have accomplished one amazing thing that I always wanted to do as a 15 year old.
Earn money from people reading said writing.
Have people share my writing with other people, and have it read not just in my own country.
All of that I’ve achieved this year and it truly gives me hope. I know this piece has been a bit all over the place, but that kind of describes how I am at the moment.
A controlled mess as you will.
Writing this has unlocked something, my writer's block for a start seems to be diminishing pretty quickly.
We all feel lost at times. We all stop and question who we’re supposed to be. Hell, we all truly don’t know the path we’re on.
How can we? Things can change in an instant. In one swift moment our entire journey can shift.
Whilst it seems complicated, miserable, and just downright confusing at times, things are going to change. For better or for worse, and yeah I know that’s scary. Scares the living daylights out of me, because I’m starting to realise that not everything can be good. And I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong. I see the good in everything even when it’s probably not even there.
If you’re reading this and you’re feeling lost, alone, or just having one of those days, you’re not alone.
I’m going through it as we speak and probably will for a while, because whilst we can't change our mindset over night, it’s gonna take time and I’ve got plenty of it.
It’s been a pleasure writing again, it’s helped me a lot actually, I promise, from here on out, I’m going to post weekly. Yup. Weekly. I’m challenging myself to it. I have to, I keep taking stupidly long breaks for no reason. So I’m promising you all.
The paths we take can be difficult, but there’s always going to be another one.