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The Last Episode

Inside the mind of a schizophrenic woman

By Jackie RuizPublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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Her life is nothing less than chaotic. That is the least she can say and, it is the most. She sits there thinking to herself. Will I ever be happy again? She thinks she deserves more. How does she go about declaring her worth? Why does she even have to? What point needs to be made to be made worthy again. Who is going to love , a broken schizophrenic? As she recaptures her last episode...

She's breathing heavy trying to tell herself, it's not real. It’s just a symptom of her illness. No matter how tight her eyes shut. Or how loud she plays music. Or how quiet she gets the room. She just cannot stop hearing the screams. “Help, he has a …”. She is paralyzed by the fear .So much so ,that she was not moving, and, barley breathing. She thinks “He has what? What is it ? Then she hears another scream this time a man screaming “Stop” but not just pleading or crying .It was like a growling beg of mercy. Why was he growling . She wonders? What just happened? She still is not able to move. She is frozen, paralyzed in fear.

Then all of a sudden, a vision passes before her and , then she realized that the perpetrator must have did something, to the woman and ,the empathetic man, was crying on her behalf. What were they doing over there? Is it real? Should she, reach out for help? Then all of a sudden, she remembers a man recently kicked out of his house by his wife a man of which she has been supporting. She thinks too herself “could he be a whole part of this? After all, as she starts to listen more and more to screams of," I don’t know" to ,"I didn’t do it", she imagines this strangers even stranger activities. Like how he would rev his engine , like he's trying to say he's out there. Or how he stays out there, refusing anymore help. He only leaves 3 min at a time. As she listens to his loud race car engine. As it rumbles around the circumference of her apartment. She puts together pieces. fills in silence with her own flashbacks of her own life. She feels as if she is the victim all together. For some reason.

She's been here before. She thinks out loud, she knows what she has to do. She has to bring herself back to the here and now and, then ground herself to not drift off into it again. But This time she is not able to do it . Due to something tugging at her soul. A small trigger. Then she was off again. Into the depths of the darkness of the thing she was hearing. She asked her uncaring husband if he was seeing or hearing these things. With no result she scratches her head and puts her hands over her ears and cries. Pleading for the screams to stop. The what if thoughts and, the visions to go away. She's so lost in this, that when her mental health appointment came by, she was three days without sleep on the verge of a breakdown and ,her face swollen from the days of tears. She was exhausted and begging her husband not to leave her alone. Not to let anybody in the house and, to protect her from the evil forces and the screams. why won't the flashes of someone being chopped up go away? She wonders.

Later that day. At her appointment she was asked a question. Well she was asked quite a few questions. But a single question hits her harder than the rest. She has heard it before. she listen to the doctor. “Are you having thought of killing people? She replies "No! I do not kill people". The appointment continued and, ended. She felt a little better I Guess. Because after three days of the screams. She was able to release. Then , she puts on music and takes a bath.

She ignored the fact that she was seeing what looked like blood seeping into her bathwater immediately blocking the images of people being chopped up in pieces and put into the drain." God , Why do I have these visions . What are they? Realizing she was drifting once again ,back into her illness. She hastily grabs her phone and, goes to look up advice from one of her spiritual advisors and, settles on a 15 min meditation, in her bathwater. That she still believes she saw blood seeping up from out of the cracks, in the drain. So she puts her head in her bloody bath water, leaving just her nose out for air. Trying to calm herself. As she comes to, she notices the water is cold. She wonders how long she has been under the water. Then she gets out and dresses. She lies down. Its already 8'o clock am the next day. She needs to go take another shot at the hospital for her schizophrenia. Because her counselor said that her last one must be wearing off. Then she sleeps.

When she wakes. She feels ok. She feels that maybe this time she will trust what her doctors say. She will believe this time. That it is symptoms of her illness. Until later that day. When she was trying to think of a way to get it off her head .She decides she will write it . She will tell the whole world of the things that seem so real, but are mere symptoms. She feels confident. Strong ready, to become a voice for the people that are scared. To tell the things they hear. Until all of a sudden , out of no where she hears, "He is still alive". She stops breathing altogether. She hacks out a weak, "no! not again"! Her body starts to tremble. She cannot breath again. Her chest is hurting. This is new to her. Usually once she grabs her grip. and, comes out of a episode. She, does not fall back. Could this really be happening? Except this time. It is different. This time what she hears, is, coming from a hole, she has in her wall.

She thinks OMG! It cannot be this close, could it. The voices this time sound familiar to her .Where has she heard those voices ? Obviously they have to be one of her neighbors. As she thinks these things , she is trying to shut out the horrifying sounds of, something hard ,being hit up against pipes. The thinks sounds like a skull. She cannot breath. what is it . then something brief passes her eyes "Bailey?." No". She gasps. It cannot be . She adopted him out, to a good family. That is taking such good care of him. Or so she thinks. See Bailey was her oldest dog. She had him since she was 23 . She promised him to never let him down and , to always no matter what make the right decision by him. If she found her illness was to much, and, she could not take care of him, she would find him a good home. She has no children. he is her son her oldest son. Later on in their life he was later certified to be her emotional support animal. Where he lived 15 years helping her through each, and, every schizophrenia episode. Her and Bailey been threw it all. They were abused , left out in the cold, starved, and even left in hot cars. No matter what. If he had to be outside, so would she. If he was cold , she was going to be cold too. She did not care. She would protect him with her life. So it has come to extreme shock when the vision of him flew past her own.

Another day goes by. she hears nothing about people disappearing. She hears and sees nothing on the news. This should be good news. She admits. Perhaps it will turn out that it was in fact just her symptoms. After all. But this is not good news to her. Because something is tugging at her. From deep inside her. Her chest will not stop hurting her heart feels like it wants to stop. Something is wrong. She still has yet to catch a glimpse of Bailey. When the neighbor takes him out to pee. She remembers how he is such a good boy. Every time she would call his name , he would try to find her. Although the new family denied her access to him. Even when she tried to explain to them that the dog was a service animal to her. They still denied her. but she did not care, she would call his name every time she saw him . She was contemplating actually on how she could get him back. She did not trust the son of her neighbor. She saw evil in him and his sister. She can not put her hand on it but something is not right about those two. She hopes she can get him back. She thinks. So she sets in motion. She starts to call the police, and, animal control to see what she can do. She is scared. She does not want to cause problems, for the family. She just wants her dog back. So, unable to be at her house, she takes off to the store. So she can think. While at the store she talks to her sister, Asking if she can come by, to help her get her dog back. She agrees. Still something about this last episode will not let her go. As all the pieces finally fall into place. It is bailey. She is sure of it. Now she is shivering she is scared . She is praying that it is not him , but she knows a mother always knows. So when tomorrow comes she will start the process. Then one more time she brings herself back to the here and now. Grounding herself once more. Memories of her beloved son. In the paws of his brothers and sister. she sobs . She feels she let him down. She needs to be strong for the babies she has. She needs to keep them safe because she does not know much about the law. Or how far this can go. She knows if she calls the police that it can leave a bullseye on her back. The outcome has yet to come... She has not reported it. She may she is not sure yet. Because that is the only way to get closer for her hallucinations. OR for bailey, her emotional support animal. Of 15 years may god rest his tired heart and soul if he did pass. May he rest in peace and may GOD protect him and all the service animals that do not have a voice or the title because they are emotional support animals. May GOD bless the schizophrenia woman. who no one believed. May GOD protect the small weak and abused. The ones that have no voice. and the ones scared to talk. May GOD give forgiveness to the perpetrators, abusers and unholy people. May GOD give us all protection and strengths through these and all battles whether they be of mind body or soul. AMEN

I will reveal to you the outcome of this story. At a later date. I humbly ask your opinion of the subject. Do you have any questions? Please leave a message . I will try my best. To answer it right away. ether in the 2nd half of The Last Episode....In the Mind Of Schizophrenic Woman. Or in comments. Thank You so much.

Dedicated To : Baby BaBa Bear Bailey Brooks

schizophrenia
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About the Creator

Jackie Ruiz

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