The Girl in the White Dress

Picture an old dirt road on a cold night. There's a light breeze picking up dust in the distance. You see the silhouette of a person walking and as you getting closer you realize it's a girl. She looks about seventeen or eighteen; she's barefoot, with long dirt blonde hair flowing loosely in the wind. You notice the breeze gently dancing through the wrinkles of her white dress. It's a long dress; it flows all the way down to her bare feet. Her feet look dirty like she's been walking for miles; you start following her.

She continues strolling forward, with a blank stare in her eyes. You try to get her attention by letting out a strong "Hey," but she gives you no response. You catch up to her as you start walking beside her you reach out to touch her but feel nothing against your fingertips. Startled by this, you freeze in your tracks as she continues in hers. You now yell, asking if she is alright, to which you get no response yet again.

As you continue watching her you notice there's what appears to be a bridge coming up in her path. She continues almost focused on a task that you are unaware of. You get closer and see just how high up you both are. You hear the sound of a river flowing strongly underneath your feet. You look out and see the full moon reflecting on the cool water.

As you remember why you are up on that bridge in the first place, you turn your head back towards the girl. She's stopped now, motionless, staring blankly down toward the water. You think to give it one more shot at getting her attention. You reach out one last time. Before your hand can get near her body, you see her calmly climb up on the railing of the bridge and watch her fling her body toward the water. As you hear her body splash against the water, your eyes burst open.

It's quiet in your room; dreams of the girl keep your mind awake at night. Sleep has been an issue lately, when it never really was before. You lift your head to see the time, 4:37 AM, perfect. You have time to go back to sleep before you have to be up for work, but who can fall asleep after that?

She keeps popping in and out of your mind. Questions of what she means, where she came from, and why she's in your dreams every night circle around in your mind constantly. You ponder for a moment but feel your eyes getting heavier, you let go and fall back to sleep.

In the morning, you still can't shake her, but you try and brush it off and get ready for work. Every morning it feels like you’re going through the motions; nothing is exciting or new about it to you, it all always leading to the same miserable place. You grab your keys and run out the door because no matter how hard you try you're always running late. You drive mindlessly, listening to what you always listen to, making the turns and stops you always do, and finally pull into your parking spot.

You shut off the engine and grab your things but before you reach for the door handle to get out, you feel this overwhelming sense of sadness. Your eyes fill up with tears and it feels like you can’t breathe. Your body automatically starts to hyperventilate which confuses you; you’ve never felt this sense of panic and confusion all at once. It’s a feeling of what you assume to be similar of being trapped in a box and hearing dirt being thrown on the box and knowing there’s no escape. As your body is being terrorized so is your mind. Thoughts of not belonging, and being hated by everyone, buzz their way into your mind. It was a domino effect, not belonging turns into not wanting to belong and that quickly turns into not wanting to be on this earth anymore.

You force yourself to think about it, do you want to die? You’ve never felt that way before. You were always the happy person, the ray of sunshine. You loved making others smile and laugh, new jokes were always welcomed. You were friendly and courteous, the first one people went to, to feel better. Feelings of who you were calm you down. You get through the day normally; you set those dark feelings aside and move on. You have a good couple of weeks you feel like those thoughts were a one-time thing and that you managed them.

The next day you show up to work happy as normal. You get to your desk, and as you look at your work you are flooded with the dark thoughts again. You feel them getting stronger and louder than before, you try and hide it, you try to keep working but these feelings are begging to be heard. You run to the bathroom and hide in a stall. You are breathing like you just ran a mile and tears are flowing down your face, you pace back and forward trying to calm yourself in this small space. "Why is this happening?" you think to yourself. As you pace those dark questions and feelings toward yourself keep coming at you. It’s almost like there are little kids in each ear, just constantly rambling and teasing, telling you to just end it. You calm yourself enough to tell your boss you need to leave, you give in, and maybe it will quiet the thoughts.

Through all of this your mind starts to glamorize that girl you saw in your dream. The little kids say, "That should've been you." You start to agree, you hear their hatefulness so often that you start to see yourself the way they do. You start to think you are useless, untalented, unwanted, a burden. You carry this around with you for months, you either eat too much or not enough, you quit your job, you stop your hobbies, and you stop seeing the beauty in life. You become a shell of yourself, you talk less or not at all, the light in your eyes becomes a blank stare, and you start to feel like no one can reach you. Thoughts of that little girl turn into you, you start to see yourself as her, you knew a place similar to what you saw in your dream and you were ready to end it all.

You think to write a letter to your family.... Your family, can you handle your mother finding your lifeless body? What would that do to her? She would probably feel like you do right now, would you wish these feelings on anyone else?

Luckily, my answer was “no.” This was me, two years ago. It was the lowest I had ever been in my life; I won't get into the specifics of my past that triggered my clinical depression. What I will try and explain is that it will get better. It sounds so cliché but I promise if you take it one day at a time and talk to someone it will get better. I got lucky to have the support system that I do and I feel like I went through this to pass my wisdom onto someone, anyone else. That's why I'm writing this, if I can help someone out there, then that's the best thing to come out of this. You may feel like there's no way out, but there always is. I like to think that someone was watching out for me the night I wrote my letter, and I want to be that somebody for someone else.

You may feel like no one will understand how you’re feeling, because you barely understand it yourself. It’s scary to open up to someone but that’s the first step. Try your hardest to explain what’s going on in your mind, talk about how you see yourself. You’re going to feel like you’re being judged but that is exactly what you need! You need someone with a clear mind to say that what you’re feeling isn’t normal. It sounds scary when I say it that way but let me explain. When I told my mom what was going on she looked at me and said, “yeah, that’s not normal, honey.” What this did for me is make me question and really think about what was really going. I had been living with this for so long that I normalized it, I was used to the things I thought about myself, but those things were not okay.

Sometimes you need someone to tell you and that’s okay. This starts the healing process… they start keeping an eye out for you and make you see the people that you are too afraid to see yourself, this means doctors and psychiatrist. Yes, it’s scary but it gives you such a better understanding of what’s going on. They can explain things so much better than any Google search because they have seen it more than you have.

This leads to options for your treatment, and that leads to putting you on the right path for healing. You’ll meet people who feel the exact way that you do, your mind will start to quiet, you’ll start doing the things you love again; you just need to give yourself time. That’s the hardest thing I had to learn, everything happens in its own time. Your medication will work, your panic attacks will stop, and you will feel better. Like I said, this was two years ago…in that time I found the love of my life, I have a beautiful dog and I’m now off my medication. All it takes is that first step, if you’re feeling anything I described or feel like you may be having some issues, please talk to someone.

Mental health isn't easy to understand but it doesn't mean you should give up. Someone out there is looking out for you, and brought you here. You’re exactly where you need to be, you’re going to be okay.