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Still in the Dark

The Truth Inside of Me

By Vanessa Cherron RiserPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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There is so much on the internet now about speaking your truth. It is a beautiful concept. One I hope more people take advantage of as time progresses. However, it isn't always easy to open up and let the truth pour out.

I come from a time where people didn't easily talk about things. Not that the time was all that long ago. (I'm on my 34 after all.) We didn't discuss mental illness, anxiety, or our truth as seen beyond what is socially acceptable. It was worse because I live in the south where being gay, dating outside your race, and a whole slew of other forms of backward thinking was prominent.

Because of this, I learned it was best to hide anything about myself which was deemed less than perfect, less than normal.

I seldom talked about the counseling I went to, and even then it was only with trusted friends. I worked overtime to change my body because I had more curves than other girls and didn't fit the mold. I hid my pain, put on a smile, and followed the rules set out for me. It was easy and safe, and it allowed me to not feel weighed down by guilt.

Or so I thought.

I now feel like I am in a place where everything in my life makes me feel guilty. I can’t be myself around my family, because I just don’t think they would approve of some of my life choices. I can’t truly be happy with the relationships in my life, because things have happened that I am not okay with, yet I am not sure how to walk away. I don’t want to let people down. It is all just one big mess, and I wish I could make it better.

I have been told that to alleviate some of the anxiety I feel on a daily basis, I needed to start “Speaking my truth.” It is a term I have heard a lot. I read the post of Wentworth Miller, who also talks a lot about speaking his truth, and how difficult it can be to do.

I’m not sure I am 100% ready to speak my truth. There are dark things going on in my life and things simply have not been easy. They have left me in a state where I feel constantly alone, even in a room full of people. I know my sadness, stress, and anxiety leak out onto the people I love most. I wish it wasn’t that way. I don’t want to taint their lives with the pain I am personally going through.

Not only do I feel alone and without friends, I have pushed away from the ones in my life who would be there for me. The ones who do still see me as a friend and family. In my mind, I have developed a wall where I think everyone hates me for the choices I have made, and they no longer want anything to do with me. It is the “Well, they don’t want to talk to me so why should I talk to them?” sort of thought process, and it isn’t healthy. It also is usually not true. No, it is a battle of my mind and one that I often lose.

Speak your truth. That is what people tell you to do. It is a path to peace and freedom. But what if you are just not ready, or simply too afraid? I certainly can’t say that I have the answers to that, but writing this is a huge step in the right direction. After all, if you can admit a problem exists, then you are closer to finding a way to fix it.

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About the Creator

Vanessa Cherron Riser

Vanessa is a wife and mother who loves games, books, movies and more. In 2015 she made a commitment to health and fitness which she wishes to share with others.

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