Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia. Learning to accept my label, my diagnosis. The word put on my inability to fit in to my society. Schizophrenia. I always knew I was off or I should say those around me always knew but I think I felt that it was more of a problem with them. I mean I thought they were being difficult to communicate with.

I always struggled to communicate. My teachers in grade school asked if I had a speech problem. I was evaluated and determined to be silent by choice. Well back then, children didn’t get asked too much about their point of view, so I didn’t get to explain about simply getting stuck. I did want to speak but the colors swirling around me and the sounds and all that confused me. It was rare and hard to find the right spot to insert my statements and sometimes they became like golden things stuck and I couldn’t get it out in time. But anyhow I did speak a lot eventually and I was checked for autism too. But was not diagnosed with that.

I eventually ‘grew out of it’ and lived a normal enough life but I started hearing voices in my early 20s. I was too scared to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be thought of as crazy. In fact, as a psychology major I was able to convince myself it wasn’t a real problem because I was functioning fine. Most of the voices were very abusive and I was ok because I realized they were not real they were just something I lived with and I didn’t think about it- I was very busy; I went about my life going to college, going to work, and volunteering. I wanted to be on top of the wave of normalcy so I studied psychology to learn what is normal.

Eventually though, I did see a therapist; still I didn’t explain about hearing things, I didn’t trust him that much, and he decided I was depressed. And yes I was depressed too and it is hard to hear these mean things everyday and I was afraid to tell him about hearing things because I didn’t want that label. I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be normal and not the odd person I always was. And, I was functioning. I was working and going to school and decided I needed to join the military because one voice kept telling me Army Army Army. At that time I knew it was a voice, not a real voice but something external caused by my brain. I took antidepressants for awhile, got the ok from the recruiter that I could still join the Army despite the label of depression and got ready to start something new.

But somehow after being through some stuff in the military it became hard to tell when the mean voices were real or if they actually happening. I began to talk back to them and then there were shadow people. Ghost like images of people no one else could see. I got asked if I was ok when they found me standing by the phones talking out loud to my delusion. That is probably what triggered my interview with the higher ups about my security clearance but honestly I don’t know if that’s what did it. It did not get worse nor happen again and I did not see a Dr and somehow I was ok and got my clearance renewed anyway. It was just one brief incident. I stayed in another 4 years but I eventually left the military after 9 years. Yes, I was functioning well and got lots of good reviews and promotions. I left by choice with the birth of my second child.

It was hard to get it together and live like a normal person as a civilian though. Its a big switch from the military. I left because of so many things I wanted to try. I was in my mid 30s and despite being offered a Warrant Officer school slot I didn’t have the motivation to keep going. I wanted to go back to school and study psychology again.

My civilian job in the mental health field was very stressful and I got worse, much worse and found I could not be around anyone. And when I finally went to the VA at the urging of my spouse to get help I was told I had schizophrenia for the first time in my 40+ years of life. I didn’t believe them. Not me, not schizophrenia. I felt this diagnosis couldn’t be true. Must not be. I mean I was a working adult, I had always thought I might become a therapist, I took employment that would lead to continuing with higher degrees in that field. How could it be that I had schizophrenia? I wanted to be a psychologist not a patient.

I got very ill, I had to quit work. The computer and TV were insulting me. I was exhausted and needed quiet. My diagnosis came in my mid 40s. That is pretty uncommon for most people with schizophrenia. Usually people are diagnosed in their early 20s. After my diagnosis, I spent many sessions/years telling my Dr I thought it was all a mistake. They sent me to a neurologist, and I had MRIs and EEGs and blood work done to rule out any other diagnosis. It’s true. Looking back over my life I probably had mild symptoms for most of my life. For whatever reason at 46 years old I had a full blown episode.

I am much older now and it has been hard to accept. I have ‘taken it easy’ for many years. Trying to figure out what happened and how to get better. How to fit back into society. I have researched the cognitive problems associated with schizophrenia and I realize these issues have been with me for some time. Working memory is bad but better than a few years ago. Voices only really occur if I have to leave my space. Although I do hear my phone ringing when it actually is not or the dog making noise or other sounds that are easily proved to not have happened.

I am accepting it. It is not who I am it is something that I have. It is a problem with understanding my sensory environment and reacting to what is happening in real time.

I am not ashamed. I have schizophrenia. I am a person who has a thing but it is not the final definition of my life.