Recess Was A Nightmare

Living with Autism and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) has some perks, but also some downsides. Autism and GAD made it possible for me to inspire many of my teachers, classmates, friends, family members and other people around me, nevertheless it also made socializing with other children a challenge for me. As I've mentioned in multiple stories, I'm an extremely sociable and affable person by nature, but that still doesn't outweigh the social challenges I've endured in the youth. Recess was lots of fun, but also quite the struggle for me! I definitely felt somewhat like the "black sheep" during my elementary and middle school years.

My elementary school years were much harder than my junior high school years. During recess, I would often go on a quest to find kids to mingle and play with, just like what my teachers, parents and social workers would encourage me to do. Since some kids didn't really understand my intentions, they would yell "STOP FOLLOWING ME", "I DON'T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU" or do simple things like run away from me when I wanted to play hopscotch or catch with them. It was like, "I'm putting in all this effort to get myself out of my shell and meet new kids and no one appreciates my friendly nature and determination to make new friends”.

In my later years of elementary school, I was bullied and teased by a bunch of kids who were either my classmates or friends of my classmates. From the third to sixth grade, I had one friendship with this girl grappling with a learning disability, but it wasn't all "rainbows and sunshine". It was rather an on and off friendship that would result in name-calling, physical violence, yelling, screaming and alienation. One time, we got into a physical altercation and no teacher intervened. I felt so unwanted by kids that I would spend my recess periods talking to teachers. I got along with adults and younger children more than kids my age. My teachers would encourage me to look for kids my age to mingle with instead of playing with younger children or talking to adults on recess duty.

Luckily, those habits slowly changed in middle school. I finally had friends to walk around with, chat with and mingle with. I became good friends with this Persian girl who immigrated to Canada. She attended ESL classes and needed to work on her English. She and I would hang out and chat at recess, meet with other kids and would even hang out on the weekends! Asides from her, I also took time to interact with this one classmate who was from Bangladesh and we were in the same special education class together. It felt good to find kids with the same issues as myself and who were also around the same age range as me. I wasn't abandoned or excluded in my middle school years, which was a blessing after enduring such abuse from grades 1-6. My friendships were more stable, however I still felt abandoned and had trouble finding new kids to interact with when my friends either didn't want to spend time with me or they weren't at school on certain days. I would become tempted to talk to adults at recess, but they would encourage me to find other kids to play with. It was hard for someone like me who struggled with social anxiety and would always assume that kids were going to neglect me. Due to the loneliness that I experienced occasionally, I would want to spend my recesses reading books. My teacher didn't want to encourage that behaviour, because I would often read books in class. Instead, she wanted me to find kids to play with and give my mind "a brief vacation".

Once I left middle school, my recess days came to a halt. The nightmare of finding kids to play with and the anxiety of being excluded every time faded away. Since there is no recess in high school, I never had to worry about that. In lieu of recess, I got longer lunch breaks and I would spend those breaks reading books, doing crossword puzzles, spending time with friends and attending clubs. Although I was encouraged to socialize with other students, they never pressured me to do so. I was allowed to read books, do puzzles, join clubs and go wherever I wanted! I was allowed to visit the library and I was grateful to not be "forced" to find kids to play with anymore. Even though I enjoyed not being forced to socialize, I managed to find friends that I would regularly interact with and who never abandoned me. In high school, my breaks were no longer a nightmare and were rather fulfilling.

Thanks so much for reading this story. My hope is to inspire all the people who felt neglected and unwanted. If you found this story inspiring, please click on the heart button, share with your friends and family and don't hesitate to send me a tip. To connect with me, please follow me on Instagram @naturalbibliophile22 or @tdcreates. Stay tuned for more exciting stories and poems! Cheers to you and have a great week! 💕🌺😊☘️