Protecting the Little Person Inside My Heart

FRIDAY -- May 21, 2020

• 7:00am = Water bill, meditation, interpretation, movement, light, shroom, hydration, ginger, tofu seasoned and pressed, baby potatoes soaking.

• Okay. This could have gone either way. But it was a delicious success. I marinated a hunk of tempe for two days in water and a ton of spices. I put it into the pressure cooker yesterday with potatoes, pickles and cabbage. I made a second batch with tofu. My attempt was to recreate a veganized Lower East Side deli menu. For a first trip, without a recipe, invented in my own head, I made a ton of incredible food.

• I have no salt in my apartment. Liquid aminos only. No oil either. At 350 calories a tea spoon, I'll just use veggie broth in its place, thank you.

• Took a walk with 1 lb hand weights, and picked up 10 pounds of laundry. 22 minutes. 78 calories.

My Dad Was an Incredible Father

Your talents are going to help you achieve your vision. Your talent is what your purpose is. How do you accomplish that? You have to treasure and hold it so close to you, that you can never let it go.

Will power, you must protect your will power. It's not necessarily just self esteem. It is your drive, your motivation. And the moment you stop being motivated towards something, you are in the process of dying. Because every living thing must grow. If you are not growing, you are dying. You need to protect your will power and motivation. Luckily I had parents, who taught me to hone my motivation. To be myself, because only I could accomplish my mission in this world. I had to be the best version of myself that I could be. Look, I have never been a mother. But I believe this is the way kids outght to be educated, helped, and encouraged. But in the meantime, we have to educate ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves, by protecting our will power.

So what happens if I am depressed? What if I misplace my desire to do this anymore, or it becomes too hard to deal with? What do I do now?

I must overpower it, find something new, Even if it's small, starting one step at a time. I need to find something new to be excited about. It's very hard. No one said it was going to be easy, especially if I was excited about something else.

Stagnation vs. growth.

Automatically I become complacent. When I stagnate, I deflate. How do I continue when I'm tired? I get relaxed and binge watch TV. But binge watching is an escape from reality. I want to be the best in present reality, in the most present state that I can. That's what I want to train myself to do, is to find the little spark inside of me. Whatever it is in my soul that drives me, I want to hone it, and protect it. I have to protect the little person in my heart, and I will follow and flourish from that.

I do at times feel overwhelmed by life, like life has gotten to the best of me. I have to ask myself, what is my motivation? What is it? If I don't know, I have to just do something. I need to lust after something, not chocolate or pizza, something more spiritual and refined. I use my lust power, to lust after something which is greater than myself.

Slowly I begin to see that I am changing. One thing leads to the next. Time and place start to work. Slowly, I am building it up.

Most importantly, I can't do this on my own. I have found incredible mentors. These are very caring people, who exist outside of me, and offer great guidance and help. Therapists, clergy, coaches, friends, family members, young widows, they are all such fantastic humans. I respect and honor them.