My Suicide Story

September is a very important month for me. You really don’t think of much when you think of September other than back to school. To me I think about suicide prevention month. Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States and its count is on the rise. It is extremely controversial to talk about because there’re so many thoughts behind it. Some people don’t understand why people commit suicide or even think about it. For every “successful” (for lack of a better term) suicide there’s 25 attempts. I was almost one of those people so I want to share my story.

I was a freshman in high school, extremely active in my church, A-B average student, all honors/pre-AP classes, and was in a “happy” relationship with a guy from my church. I put happy in quotation marks because that’s really what triggered a lot. He was two years older than me so of course I was head over heels for this guy. The sad part is that he knew it and took advantage of it. He was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Whenever he told me to change something about myself or how I acted I would change it. Sometimes he’d get so mad that he’d slap me and I just took it. I always thought that it would never happen again and it would always happen again. He ended up ending things and then that’s when everything caught up to me.

I had no idea who I was anymore. Everything that I did was based off of him and what he wanted. Once he broke up with me my identity was completely gone. I didn’t know what to do and just couldn’t handle it. I started slacking in school and my grades slipped. I felt so depressed and just didn’t want to do anything anymore. Even though I didn’t want to do anything I still stayed involved in my clubs and my church so no one knew what was mentally going on with me. I started to hurt myself and write poetry about it. All my poetry was about everything ending and me crying. Every day I would look in the mirror and I didn’t know who I was seeing. I just knew that girl wasn’t me. After about a month of being this way I decided I couldn’t do it anymore.

It was Friday after school and every Friday we’d drive to my sister’s house and spend the weekend with her, her husband, and my nephew. That Friday I made my plan. I was going to enjoy the weekend with my family and let them remember the happy me. Sunday night when my parents are asleep I’d take a ton of pills and be gone by Monday morning. To me it was the perfect plan. I honestly felt like no one needed me and that everyone would be better without me. That was until Sunday morning. My nephew was speech delayed so he couldn’t talk but he did something that literally saved my life. On a car ride he grabbed my hand and then stared at me with the most loving eyes in the world. I wanted to cry so bad because while I was there thinking about no one needing me here’s the little child who loves me and needs me. I couldn’t do it after I saw that look in his eyes.

Sunday night I messaged my youth group leader and explained what has been happening to me and my plan that I had. I told them I couldn’t tell my parents and I needed him to tell my parents for me. I hear my mom’s phone ring, I hear her say a few words, then she came out to the living room (where I was on the computer) and started crying. She didn’t know what was going on and even though she was trained to notice the signs (she was a former special needs teacher) she couldn’t see it when it was happening right in front of her. I started crying and saying I was sorry and I didn’t know why I thought these things and I just needed help. That night she and I slept in the living room and the next morning we went to my doctor and explained what was going on. He referred me to a psychologist who diagnosed me with depression.

I was 15 then, and now I am 23. As years have gone by I am so happy to be alive. I went through years of therapy, got diagnosed with anxiety and bipolar disorder later on, and am now on proper medications. I have since gotten married to an amazing man who knows what I went through and isn’t abusive. We have a three-year-old son who’s autistic and full of energy and I am going to school for cosmetology. I don’t regret my past because my past has shaped the person I am now. I am now a huge advocate for mental health and I am so happy for everyone who has helped me on my journey. Some days are harder than others and I will never be “normal” but I am happy to be where I am. I know what to do whenever I start to feel depressed so that I don’t end up back to that point again. I share my story with people so that I can help others who were in my shoes.

If you are considering suicide or have a friend who is considering suicide please get help. Talk to a parent, a teacher, a school counselor, or any trusted adult. If you need to talk to someone but feel like you have no one to talk to call the national suicide prevention lifeline, 1-800-273-8255. They are available 24/7 and also have an online chat on their website, www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. If my story helps at least one person then I succeed. Remember that someone needs you.