Marigolds and Stupid Apologies

You stomped on my heart like that torn-up marigold on the ground. The petals are laying around like the pieces of my broken heart. I still remember the day you brought those marigold flowers to me. You gave me a stupid, good-for-nothing apology. I let you back in thinking shit would be different, but here we are again. I should have known it would end like this. The way it started, we should have been finished a long time ago. Still, I needed to feel your presence and your touch just to be happy. I thought that holding on would make me feel better, but all it did was tear me up inside. Each time I let you back in, I only got stronger. Sure, I cried and my heart hurt deep into the core. Eventually, I got stronger each time. My eyes were no longer blinded by the affection of my lower extremities.

You knew the marigold was my favorite flower and you played me each time that you came barging through the door. You filled me with your empty, dumb promises. I only felt like we were growing more apart. I lied when I said, “I Love You.” It was a cover-up to keep you from feeding me those dumb lines you gave me. I kind of felt sorry for you because, in the end, it was only about keeping up with my lavish lifestyle. Still, I wanted you. I wanted the idea of being with you in a room filled with a symphony. I imagined we danced and everything was perfect. The room was filled with beautiful yellow marigolds. The way the flowers lit up the room with their presence, is the way I imagined our hearts felt at that very moment. I mean, I f****g loved you. You loved me. It was perfect, but it wasn’t real. It was only my imagination running wild again. Filled with those stupid, pathetic thoughts.

We both knew that our time had come to an end. It was over so long ago. Yet, we both held on because it was all we ever wanted. We wanted each other so bad. We were afraid to let go. We were afraid to start over once again. It was painful and it was the worst thing I had ever imagined for our love. The love that was no more. The love that was gone forever. We could never just get it back. I cried so many nights hoping that things would change. I wanted so badly for you to see the pain in my heart and tell me, “Baby, it’s okay. I’ll change. I will do whatever it takes” But, Instead, you just made things worse. You called me names that will never be taken back. You told me things that shattered my soul. You walked out and left me. You did not bother to tell me where you were going. You just left me at home feeling lonely, and empty inside. I was broken, and I thought I wanted to die. I couldn’t breathe at times. It felt like I was drowning. The anxiety was too much. I thought I would never be able to move on and move forward with my life.

So, yes, my heart is broken. My heart is shattered. However, I knew I had the power to take back my life. I had the power to tell you, “Get out of my life for good!” I went to therapy just to make sure I could be strong enough. I did what I needed to do so that you could be out of my life forever. I was tired, I was emotionally in a daze. There were days that I thought I would not make it. I cried enough to flood the rivers. I thought about hurting you. I wanted to smash your car windows, burn all your clothes, and even sell your identity. Instead, I took the high road. I got the help that I needed to make it through. I communicated my feelings openly to my friends and family because I was not embarrassed anymore. I knew that this time, I would never let you back in. You thought you won, ha! You only won a pass to move on.

You came to my house and you tried to invade in my pain. I could have let you win this battle. There could have been warfare and a lot of bloodshed. I chose not to have this combat. It was a conflict that I did not care for anymore. The hostility was way more than we ever needed. It was time to let go. I did not want to struggle with this depression anymore. A depression that was brought on by our crazy love affair. It never had to end this way. We should have ended it a very long time ago. Like fools, we were the joke. It’s okay though. We can finally take off the clown makeup. We can start over. Just no more starting over with each other. Your marigold flowers and dumb-ass apologies will not impress me anymore. Just let it go. You cannot hurt me anymore. You cannot make me rain tears and waste tissues anymore. It is over and what can I say? I am tired. I just don’t give a f*** anymore. I will not fight for you any longer, and I do not care how many times you try to win me back or beg. This time is for real. This time is our Final Goodbye!