I’m Not a ‘Real Man’

Growing up, I was told a lot of things about being a man. Most commonly, I heard that men don’t cry, show weakness, or even get emotional.

This misconception about what it means to be a “real man” that society has built is called toxic masculinity.

What is toxic masculinity?

Well, this is what is tolerance.org defines toxic masculinity as:

“Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood, designating manhood as defined by violence, sex, status and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits — which can range from emotional vulnerability to simply not being hypersexual — are the means by which your status as “man” can be taken away.”

I happen to agree wholeheartedly with their definition.

Now, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being masculine. But there is something wrong with what society has us believing it takes or means to be a “real man.”

Our culture has this idea that being a man means to have this great “physical power” or to be “stoic” in dealing with our emotions.

This can lead to consequences, such as men believing it is natural to be violent. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Men are not naturally violent. We are not born violent. Our environment shapes us that way.

We are putting boys in cages when we define masculinity in this way. By teaching boys and men that they should be afraid of vulnerability, we are doing them a huge disservice. We are stripping them of their humanity.

Through the teachings of this toxic masculinity in our culture, we are teaching men that they have to be “hard.” Don’t show emotions. Be aggressive. Be violent. Ultimately, we give men fragile egos. Then, we do a disservice to women because they end up being the ones who have to put up with these fragile egos.

This results in even more consequence because then women are seen as a threat if they are too ambitious or too successful because it hurts the egos of men. For example, look at all the men attacking Kamala Harris right now.

By teaching men not to show emotions and to fear vulnerability, we have a world full of men who can’t identify or express their own emotions.

We have a world full of men with fragile egos that, as a result, are obsessed with having power and dominance over others, especially over women.

This toxic masculinity teaches men to be abusers. Read that again: This toxic masculinity teaches men to be abusers.

According to The Conversation, men who are taught this sexist masculinity are far more likely to abuse women. If being a sexist pig who abuses women is what defines a “real man,” then I am absolutely okay with not being a “real man.”

I have no desire to be this idea of a “real man.” Toxic masculinity gives birth to disgusting and unacceptable behaviors, such as sexual harassment, homophobia, racism, sexism, bullying, violent outbursts, etc. I don’t want any part of any of that, unless it is in getting rid of it all.

Luckily for us, society is starting to question this toxic masculinity. It is not as common as it use to be, but you can still find it everywhere. From the bully at school to the President of the United States, toxic masculinity is still present in our world today. And it’s gotta go!

I’m not a “real man.” I’m more than okay with it.

This post was originally published on Medium.