I Am Not A Trend

I was reading some stories on vocal in psyche, as you do, scrolling through the ones about depression and anxiety and tips and advice, everything I've seen and lived before when I came across one about dissociation. I lit up inside like a little child, excited to see something that's a huge part of my life finally being talked about and represented. And the first few paragraphs lived up to my expectations.

But then I hit this line:

"...when I hear the word dissociation, I think of the pop-culture phenomenon multiple personality disorder...the mental illness of the moment, distorted and sensationalized."

And something in my gut just dropped.

I felt sick.

I felt like I'd been struck.

I felt betrayed.

I had to stop reading. I had to sit back. I had to take it in.

I'd come here for community, for representation, for progress.

And what had I gotten?

Another person who made me feel like I was just a trend, just a 'pop-culture phenomenon', another person who made me doubt my validity, doubt my existence, doubt my reason for sharing my story.

I suddenly felt like an imposter, like someone hopping on a bandwagon for the heck of it, for attention, for fame. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I'd lost the right to talk about who I am and what I go through just because it's some 'pop-culture phenomenon'. Those words rang over and over in my head.

Pop-culture phenomenon.

Is that what I am?

Anger fizzled inside of me.

No.

I am not some trend.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is what it's actually called, is not some trend. It is not a phenomenon. It is not a plot device. It is not a phase.

Pop-culture had indeed gobbled it up like a delicious piece of candy and that absolutely infuriates me.

The books, the movies, the articles, the commentary, all of it makes me sick.

I wanted representation. I deserved representation. But this was not the kind of representation I needed.

This is not what I wanted.

I know what it looks like. And I know how it seems.

It's flashy. It's exciting. It's cool. Some kind of fantasy come to life.

I know that's what a lot of people think.

But that's not the truth.

I am not here for your entertainment. I am not here to fuel your plotline. I am not here to provide excitement for your dull little lives.

I am a human being. I have feelings. I have dreams. I have hopes.

I want to live a normal life. I want to be respected. I want to be understood.

And when you take pieces of my life and twist them beyond recognition and display them for all the world to see, you take away what little chance at normalcy I might have had.

I can't be open about who I am, who we are, because of you. I can't be respected to be an independent, self-supporting person because of you. I can't walk around without stigma surrounding me because of you. I can't tell my loved ones what goes on inside of my head without fear because of you.

So, when I read those lines, in an article that was supposed to represent a piece of my life, something got crushed inside of me. We should be lifting each other up. We should be holding each other together. We should be protecting one another.

Why are we using each other instead?

The media is a vicious creature, we all know that. It cares only for money and views. But what about us? What about you and me? What about those of us who devour that media and then spread it across the globe, perpetuating false stereotypes and incorrect representations? Are we not just as bad?

The media only has power because of you. Because of me. Because of us.

And we can take that power back.

We can choose to spread the false images the media gives up, or we can choose to correct them. That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to give my side of the story. I’m trying to express what living with this disorder is like for me. I don’t have much influence, if any, but I’m trying. And if that’s all I can do, then I’m happy. I’m satisfied.

But what about you?

Will you continue to mindlessly devour whatever they feed you and believe their lies about what mental illness looks like, what evil looks like, what heroism looks like, even what love looks like? Some of it's comforting. Some of it's pleasing to hear. And it's okay to fall into that. It’s okay to enjoy that. But can you tell reality from their illusions? Can you see the truth through their deception?

They frame me in a villainous light, and then they frame me as the victim. They do what suits their agenda. But you don’t have to.

Listen to those who experience these things first-handed. Listen to more one than one of them. No two experiences are the same. Don’t rely on secondhand sources to get your information. Most likely, over half of the time, those’ll be incorrect.

I deserve to be listened to. I deserve to be seen. I deserve to be respected.

I am a human being.

I am not a trend.