Hands Up If Your Ex Thinks You're "Crazy"

We’ve all been there:

So-and-so does an outrageous deed.

We respond to said outrageous deed with normal human reactions: Sadness, anger, frustration, fear.

* A few choice words are shared. Then apologized. *

So-and-so is flabbergasted: “This person is reacting proportionately to my behavior… But, why? I just don’t get it!”

So-and-so ponders…

So-and-so ponders some more…

“Aha! I’ve got it,” muses, So-and-so. There’s no other explanation:

This person is crazy!

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Former unhealthy entanglements aside, labelling others, or worse, diagnosing people we don’t like or understand with mental illnesses is a real problem.

And it’s not just because it’s damaging for the person we’re diagnosing. It is, and I think deep down we know that; that’s why it’s such a temptation to indulge in.

But it’s also incredibly damaging for those who genuinely live with mental health needs — both those who are aware of their illness and are getting help and those who suspect they may need help but are too afraid to reach out.

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The box

Calling people “crazy,” or “mental,” and handing out labels like “bipolar,” “schizophrenic,” or “on the spectrum” help us make sense of others’ behaviors and words. Especially when they’re hurtful or strange to us.

It helps us put people in a neat and tidy box with a warning label stamped across it. It’s a box hidden in the darkest, farthest corner away from us; one we no longer feel compelled to think about or feel afflicted by because it now has a label. A label branding that person: Weird and unpredictable; possibly dangerous but no longer our problem.

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Hurting people, hurt people

When I say people have hurt me deeply in ways that were senseless and callous, sometimes outright hateful and messed up, I know that I’m in good company. And if I’m honest, during these times it’s tempting to question the offender’s state of mind. To dissect their words and actions in front of the court of public opinion and find them guilty as charged of belonging in the loony-bin.

When you’re the victim and there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s difficult to resist the temptation to fight back in any small way you can. And labels may be all you have.

Maybe you can relate?

Giving people labels seems harmless enough. And sometimes the labels are down-right understandable. We should never tolerate certain behaviors and words, and we should keep some people at a distance. At times, our labels are nothing more than an attempt to remind ourselves that a relationship isn’t healthy, and we need to draw a solid black line in the sand. The labels keep us safe.

But the thing is, they also do a whole more.

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Let’s consider a different perspective

Characterizing someone’s poor choices or destructive behavior as the consequence of an illness adds to the stigma.

Here’s what I mean: When we say that someone did [insert undesired behavior] because they are [insert mental illness], we’re aiding the inaccurate understanding of how that illness presents. We’re also minimizing that person’s power to choose their behaviors (and the consequences).

A classic example of this relates to bipolar disorder. One of the more common misconceptions links to rapid mood swings. We’ve all encountered it — one minute a person seems happy and carefree, or upset and irritable, and the next they’re hopelessly sad. Many people associate these rapid mood swings with the disorder; but in reality, manic or depressive episodes usually last for days, weeks, or months. It’s not a quick transition from one mood to another.

Rationalizing someone’s emotional outburst or fit of rage as a symptom of an illness makes the illness bigger than it is. It becomes bad and scary; it takes on a whole new meaning and set of behaviors. And for those who don’t understand how the illness truly presents, it becomes something to avoid and ignore. That’s an enormous obstacle to overcome — for both those who know someone with an illness and those who desperately need help.

This kind of behavior rationalization also becomes the scapegoat for someone’s choices. It’s an excuse, and it’s unhelpful because we blame the illness instead of dealing with the behavior.

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Everything we stand to lose

Seemingly insignificant labels leave an indelible mark on our personhood. They pack a bigger punch than you think — alongside a label comes the stigma, the shame, the reputation-loss. And it can hurt people we never imagined it would touch.

Here’s what I mean:

When we sit around as a group and question that person’s state of mind, we’re reinforcing the stigma.

When we join the dots and connect a behavior, that’s foreign to, or unaccepted in our chosen peer group to a mental illness, we’re reinforcing the stigma.

When we connect a personality that clashes with ours and the people in our chosen peer group to a mental illness, we’re reinforcing the stigma.

It sounds harsh, I know, but please hear me out — it’s important.

What if there’s a dear friend in your social circle who is struggling with their mental health? What if it’s become far bigger than they would ever let on?

Maybe your friend is quick to reject any hint of attention. They shrug off their far-and-few in-between complaints with something like: “But it doesn’t matter… I’ll figure it out…” When you’re all hanging out, they fade into the background because although they’re physically present, they’re a million miles away.

What if that dear friend is looking for an opportunity to share what they’re going through? Or maybe they’re building up the courage to get help from a professional?

What if they won’t?

They won’t because they’re too afraid of being found out. Afraid that the group will shove them into the same box as that person you all mock together. They don’t want to wear a label. They don’t want to be the odd one out. They don’t want your group, or another one, to talk about them in that way.

And what if it all becomes too much for that dear friend?

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Consider this

Mental illness is, so often, a veiled and lonely experience. Gradually, though, it’s becoming a socially acceptable topic to talk about; to admit that we are struggling, or that we receive help from a counselor, or a psychiatrist. Now, it’s easier than ever to share how we’re adjusting our schedules, commitments, and lifestyles to take better care of ourselves and manage our health.

We have national mental health awareness days; we have fundraisers and wear such-and-such color to the office to support days. We make throwaway comments to our children, reminding them to always be kind to others. Kind because we never know what other people are going through.

But are we taking that advice ourselves?

Are we giving those around us the benefit of the doubt?

Does any of that institutional fuzzy-feel-good stuff matter if we’re being kind and mindful of our words and actions, but only to those we like?

When we face those moments where we’re tempted to hand out another label, let’s think about our nearest and dearest. Let’s consider the stigma these labels could inflict on a dear friend battling their way through a dark life season.

Even better, let’s consider the stigma of these labels on any person. Let’s give people the benefit of the doubt. Even those who hurt us and seem to fit the label.

Maybe they’re facing a personal tragedy so they’re a little short-tempered or reactive. Maybe they’re being pressured from all sides: Work, relationships, finances, health. They can hide their stress better some days than others. Sometimes they seem happy and engaged, and other times they’re quiet, sad, and frustrating to be around.

Maybe. Who knows?

Whether a person’s actions are defensible or not, there’s one thing we know for sure: No one wants to add difficulty to an already tough life. Or — dare I say it — contribute to the far-reaching and devastating repercussions of mental health gone ignored.

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At the end of the day

Mental illness is so common, it’s likely you have a dear loved one who is suffering in silence. It’s also severely under-treated, and the consequences are dire — suicide being the one we all hope will never touch us.

So, let’s stop handing out diagnoses like we’re qualified licensed psychiatrists who understand these illnesses and how they present. Instead, let’s take the time to do some thorough research and listen to first-hand accounts. And finally, let’s think about our dear loved ones the next time we’re tempted to call someone “crazy.”