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Diarist: Sea letters

dispatches from the middle of the ocean/my mind

By Joe NastaPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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Since I was young, writing letters was my primary mode of communication: letters from camp to my best friends back home, letters to my pal studying abroad in Germany, emails from work on ships, and as check-ins with my chosen family around the country. I saved as many letters as I could in a file called "correspondence."

Today's Diarist entry returns to some emails I wrote to my friend Brannon when I first started studying poetry and writing seriously on my own. It's funny to remember my roots as a writer--Jack Kerouac, John Masefield, and teaching myself meter out of an outdated book--and realize how much of an impact those things still have on my writing. It's also exciting to feel the joy and vivacity pulshing in the letters. I've always lived this intensely, and my past self surges off the screen.

I've also included my digital zine BEACON, as I created it around the same time as these letters and I mention my attempt to bury myself in writing by living in Beacon, NY. This move was the first step I took towards moving away from New York.

27 DEC 2015

2139

Bran Muffins:

Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[first of all, I want to apologize for being a terrible friend for the past few months.  I was planning on coming to see you twice, and I did neither.  I was barely in touch, and I just feel like I was not a very good friend.  I was not feeling very well and I was neglecting some aspects (most of them) of my life but I am hopefully going to do better now]

how are you?  How was your graduation? Congratufreakinglations ma'am!!!! I'm so happy and excited for the new possibilities ahead of you as you move forward in your wonderful life.  How was Christmas? How how how how how are you!!!!!! Tell me all of the goings on.  Did you join the Union? When are you trying to work? What's your happiest thing right now?  How's the boy?  How's the fam?  How isisisisisisisisisisis

I want to to know all the deets ma'am all of them shower me in the you.

I'm doing super well.  I was very ready to go back to work.  I was getting into a very bad place and New York was not helping at that moment.  So December for two weeks I was in Norfolk for Navy Duty, which was just the PCI course, a bunch of classes.  Mostly Kings Pointers, a lot of first co guys and band co.  Rizzy, Alison, and I arranged to do it at the same time.  It was so nice to see them again (even though I had been seeing Alison about once a month) and be reunited.  You forget how refreshing that is.  It was like when you came to NY last January (a year ago already, can we freaking believe it?).  And the Navy stuff was actually really exciting and motivated me.  But I realized to excel in the Navy I would need to excel in my civilian maritime career as well, and *MILESTONE* I began thinking realistically about my life and work.  Not counting on being famous or anything, literally like, I could get my first's license and go from there.  #proud moment.

During PCI, my old ship's company reached out to me to ask me to come back, so I was able to arrange it so that I would have the weekend off and then fly to Greece the Monday after PCI,  Which occurred.  I was anxious about the international flight, but of course it was fine, and now that I've done it I will hopefully be less anxious next time.

So I'm back on the research vessel.  I feel much more comfortable and competent, which is a great feeling.  Last trip I was so anxious and strung out the whole time.  It was very unhealthy.  I did mess up some things last time, like the purifier, but it's okay.  I'm going to learn and move forward.  I'm coming to terms with the limitations of my ability (as in, not easily learning engineering, not good with working with hands, impatient, etc) and trying to find ways to compensate (working hard, learning, etc).  Also I am very happy.  Many times on my watch I feel .... joy and fullfillment.  Yikes.  Not that this is the end of the road for me, but it is a very good feeling to have.

I also have a morning positivity routine that will hopefully keep me out of the dumps.  It has been working wonders.  I get up at 6, shower in the dark and then do a cold shower meditation practice.  Then meditate (I wrote down a plan and have been sticking to it, increasing my time and changing to a more challenging meditation form each week).

Then turn the lights on, put music in, make coffee and breakfast.  Eat while I write in my journal (I was inspired by Jack Kerouac for this, but more on that later, maybe in another email I want to share all of these things with you), then read/write/write emails.  at about 730, I'll go to the stern and watch the waves.  I like doing that, and it's so easy to just never go outside.  This way I go out every morning.

I also have been reading a ton, and writing a bit.  Excercises from a Fiction Writer's Workshop, essays inspired by "The Sea is My Brother" by Jack Kerouac, poetry as informed by the volume "Metre, Rhythm, and Verse" (it's hard!) and Salt Water Ballads and Poems by John Masefield.

I started a blog to post my writing on: adastraperaliaporciblog.wordpress.com

We had four days in Greece but I had the duty 2 nights and was jetlagged, so I only went and walked around once.  It was still very nice.  I'm on the 8x12 and am the 2nd again.  Now in transit to Cape Verde.

Also will get shellbacked this trip! woot.  I don't know if they will do the ceremony but I'm gonna get a turtle tattoo lol

Hope to hear from you soon.  I will write more when I get a chance.

Love, Joey

Brannon,

I’m on the train out of Grand Central up to Beacon. I wonder what I thought I was doing when I planned this shit.

I’m listening to Sufjan Steven’s Carrie and Lowell. I listened to this album all the time during the first half of my hitch. I was so happy and productive, focused and energetic—it was so different from the second half. I don’t really know what happened, but it scares me. I was acting like a totally different person during the first half of the trip and the second. I don’t understand it. This album always calmed and comforted me. Now it’s making me upset that I let that happen to me.

It’s happened like that before, but never this bad. I lost all motivation to write, work, or do anything for weeks. Then all I could do was sleep and watch TV and use Facebook my whole watch, and then I stopped working overtime, and all I did was go up to the MMO tower and lie on the ground. I did get better towards the end, but not as good as I was at the beginning of the trip. I hope I’m better now, but I don’t think I’m as good as I was before. I wonder if I am actually bipolar and I was really very manic and then very depressed. It was just so extreme, and there was not a real cause to it. I think it’s more than just sea fever. Or not. I don’t know.

Now I’m going to Beacon for two weeks. I’ll be coming down into the city all the time though. Maybe I should have just gotten a place in Brooklyn. But maybe being in the nature will be good, and having to commute to go anywhere will be good. I can focus in the mornings, do my meditation. Force myself to write for hours, like Kerouac. I am afraid of being alone, so this will allow me to be alone, but not all the time, and not too alone. My cousin just had her baby so she’s on maternity leave, so I’ll visit them. I have friend dates and errands in the city set up. It’ll be good. I’m going to use my meditation to focus on good. I hope I can stay centered and not too far in either direction, you know? Maybe I’m just being ridiculous with all of that. But it was really scary.

On Thursday night when I got really drunk and broke down I told one of the whale watchers everything I’d been feeling without realizing it and it was scary. I guess it was a good thing to do to get it out but I don’t know how to not feel those things. I also feel like I’m being dramatic and it’s not important, that I act like there are things wrong with me when my life is fine and I’m so lucky.

My back is sweating so badly haha from my jacket and backpack. Now my shirt is soaked haha

It’s going to be fine, I just was thinking about it because of the music so I wrote this letter.

I have a lot of ideas and things in my head but I con never work it out on paper the right way, or at all. I have these big things in my head but I can’ translate them into real english at all. Maybe one day.

Okay that is all for now. Thankssssssssss.

-Joey B

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About the Creator

Joe Nasta

Hi! I'm a queer multimodal artist writing love poems in Seattle, one half of the art and poetry collective Eat Yr Manhood, and head curator of Stone Pacific Zine. Work in The Rumpus, Occulum, Peach Mag, dream boy book club, and others. :P

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