Derailed.

by CaitlynJ 20 days ago in stigma

The conclusion to my story

Derailed.

It was harder to finish this than I thought. When I sat to write my first post the words just seemed to flow naturally. Now today, I’m back at my apartment, and the amount of support I’ve had from people around me has been inspiring. So many have shared their own struggles, or just reached out with words of encouragement.

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Summer is always my favorite time of year, but this time no matter how hard I tried, it seemed that it was all slipping away from me.

The summer started with my first heartbreak. I’ve never seen the point in dating someone if you don’t see a future with them. So like always, I struggled to moderate my emotions. Never had I given so much of myself to someone only to find out it was all an illusion.

Don’t get me wrong, I was by no means the perfect girlfriend. I was emotional, insecure, jealous. I never felt confident in myself, and acted out because of it. We did care about each other; but we were both too egotistical to truly be able to see things from the others point of view. I learned a lot of valuable lessons, and he has still supported me when I needed help, and I’ll always appreciate that.

Starting the summer off, single, an apartment to myself and working at the bar? If I was going to be single, this sounded like the perfect start to it. I spent a couple weeks laying on the couch heartbroken, but realized I couldn’t mope around forever. Working at the bar you meet and endless stream of people, and it doesn’t matter that you don’t get off till 3 am, there can always an after party going on.

I started partying no more than anyone else my age. I’d been reserved for Caitlyn J while I was in a relationship, and it was time to let loose a little (or a lot). Soon I found that only working at Houstons, and having every other night and day off I had a great deal of spare time on my hands.

I either struggled to fall asleep for hours, or if I did manage to fall asleep, I’d be up every hour. A good nights sleep didn’t seem to exist anymore so why even bother looking for it? I’d met some new people, not all what you would call the most “upstanding citizens” but they accepted me and didn’t ask questions. If I wasn’t going to be sleeping, I figured I’d spend my time with people that didn’t judge or ask questions. I’d alternate between days of laying on the couch crying watching “The Mindy Project” on repeat, or off on a bender.

I had recognized that I was getting out of hand, but it felt like the only routine I knew anymore. I kept half of me completely hidden from those closest to me, and finally started to reach my end. I’ve had friends that had been close to me in the last week or two before I decided to sort my life out, say they felt like I had been screaming for help, but they had no idea how to help.

“Have you ever thought about checking yourself in?”

Never a question I thought I’d have one of my best friends ask me, but once it was out there I knew what I had to do. I hadn’t even considered that as an option before, I mean I wasn’t crazy right? I’m just an emotional person; let my emotions get out of hand for a little too long.

After a weekend long bender of tremendous proportions, I knew I needed to do something. I couldn’t keep feeling like this, I felt like I was losing my mind. Walking into the Emergency Room with Paula was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done. I’d rather bungee jump 1000x over again before I have to experience those emotions.

They say the first step is always the hardest, and so far that’s held true. The scariest part was just admitting to myself and friends that I needed help. It still hasn’t been easy, but I have set my goals, and have something to strive towards.

#EndTheStigma

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CaitlynJ
CaitlynJ
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