Battle of the Mind

"Mom...why are you always shaking your head?"

I know what I can’t say and that would be “oh hey honey, it's because your mommy is looney toons”

I can't explain to her that it's because of the voices I hear. I wasn't born with them, I manifested them late like a lot of other people who suffer from mental health issues. For me shaking my head is my way of Ignoring them or shutting them up if you will. The things I hear are not always nice. Half of the time it's the stuff of nightmares. Shaking my head weirdly helps me forget. Like a physical way of saying ‘Not Today b*tches!’

I trained myself with the help of medication to notice when I'm hearing things that no one else is. It was a long and scary road to be able to do so. Not everyone is as lucky as me. And believe me I've had difficulties...and by difficulties I mean writing what I was hearing all over the mirrors and walls, accusing my husband of speaking to me through his mind, and holding my ears in the dark of the bathroom while I rock back and forth saying ‘no no no’.

Good times….

My children don't know I also have schizophrenia. Those extreme episodes happened before I had kids And I don't plan on ever telling them. Not unless one starts to show symptoms of audio or visual hallucinations of their own. Then I'll tell them they are not alone in their suffering.

But for the mean time what I do say is ‘It's just a tick, Hun, like when your eye twitches.’

My oldest daughter is the most like me and the most likely to develop severe mental health issues. I know this because I first showed signs of bipolar depression at 11 years old. I used to fantasize about hanging myself with my mother's robe tie in the closet. I was always feeling sad. Always feeling alone. I started cutting at age 12 with broken light bulbs. Not to kill myself but because cutting filled a hole inside. Focused my suffering on the singular outward pain. I honestly felt like no one in the whole world understood the way I felt.

Then I heard my daughter say every mothers worst fear, those dreaded words that rip up your heart. I'd never talked about my mental health with my family. So she wasn't copying things she's seen or heard. It was the best example of nature over nurture. She told me she fantasizes about hanging herself from our apricot tree. I died a little inside at that moment. One of the only times in my life ive felt helplessness not caused by my mind. I knew she would have a struggle ahead of her. Her life will be harder and have more downs than the average woman.

I got her help early, a therapist and medication now so she could be as normal a child as everyone else in her 6th grade. The life of people with mental health issues is often hard and scary and misunderstood. I've often been questioned about being a parent with the severe issues I have. How can someone who questions her reality be an adequate mother? I won't lie, it's a good question.

Many children have been neglected at the hands of mothers and fathers with my condition. It's often depicted in film and TV. A bipolar mother buying only watermelon to eat like on Russian Doll, breaking the mirrors and accusing the world of being against you. But that doesn't stop me from becoming offended.

Whether you are a good and loving mother or father isn't considered a lot of the time. And because of this assumption parents with mental disabilities lose their children 60% more than parents without even without documented neglect. Then they have to prove that they can be responsible parents before their children are given back. I know this because it almost happened to me. Just for having a disability.

My kids were the reason my soul finally felt alive. When I was younger I sought out other ways to feed my soul. That's a different story for a different time. After those years I sought help and got on medication. I have to take medication 3 times a day. There is so many pills they fill my palm but it quiets the voices. They haven't completely stopped them.

Only now when I hear things I can look around the room and tell if what I'm hearing is real or in my head. When I hear negative things about killing myself or that I don't matter to anyone I can look at the faces of my babies and say I matter to them…

And now my fellow mental warriors if you share my struggle I ask you to reach out and get help if you haven't already. Stay connected with loved ones and friends. Find something healthy that causes you to want to get out of bed everyday and keep battling your mind. Because that's what mental diagnosis's are. A battle for the right to live and be happy. Having people that I love and love me changed my life. If you dont have mental struggles yourself but know someone that does just find ways to support them. My husband is my pill reminder. My brother calls me everyday just to check in.

You are not alone in your suffering and having a mental illness doesn't make you less of a person. You are still a great dad, sister, daughter, mother or son. You can work and lead successful lives. Suicide is never the answer and there is always another better day just ahead. supportive friends and family dont stop being there even when its seem like its a hopeless situation. Lord knows I pushed my family away countless times but if it wasn't for my brother and my husband and my kids I never would have gotten help and I wouldn't be who I am now.

If I hadn't been supported in this life, at the worst of it, I wouldn't be carving pumpkins and trick or treating with my four beautiful children this year. Drinking peppermint coco and eating homemade pumpkin loaves. I've learned there is always hope. And yes I'm still a ball of anxiety. I'm awkward in conversations because I have to sort through multiple intrusive thoughts before I can respond. And multiple times a day you'll probably notice me shaking my head.

But don't worry, Hun, it's just a tick.