ALONE

What can fill loneliness? Like a pitcher in need of water. Or a drowning person in need of the hand to pull them to safety. This story will be about my imaginary world of ghosts and spirits, lastly how it saved me from loneliness.

A hand, that was the moment that someone tried to save me. It was a ghost of course, the holy ghost to be exact. I experienced enough with ghosts and spirits to know the difference, but as the hand reached out to me, I stared at it, that was all. There was blackness in all the knuckles, and the hand came to me through the wall from the outside. All I heard was "so much pain" spoken and all I did was stare. There someone was to hold my hand through all the pain I myself was feeling and I did nothing..

What if i grasped his hand, just imagine what I could have been connected too. Yet I didn't. It wasn't the only experience i had. There was a man, full of spikes handing me his heart, dancing what looked like an Indian dance. It was night and dark, no streetlights found at my father’s trailer in the mountains. Just me and the man, and the holy ghost. With all these beautiful ghosts that I experienced, I also experienced a female, that I believe to this day is real as you and me. She, however, was evil, and came with about five to seven other men.

She scolded me to do things like sit in a chair, not moving, for hours on end. She scared me to the point of peeing in my pants. Telling me to lye naked on the bed, at which time these men would come and rape me. All the voices came, into my head, making it my imagination. No matter how I believe this all to be real I could not tell this to my therapist, more meds, you understand.

After the holy ghost I felt connected to the Lord and God and Mary, even though I never reached for his hand. This is where it gets complex with my illness, because apparently it is common for individuals with Schizophrenia to have religious connections. Are we serious?! People are walking around the world with this kind of connection with the holy and we are calling them sick!? I mean do not get me wrong, I don't want to BE a holy individual, but there are rules that are enforced by my voices. Do you want to know them? ;p

Sleeping, you don't need to sleep. That is the big one, the one I can't follow because I am continuously tired. So, when I don't sleep... Oh my... I forgot to tell you about the Wizard Ghost.

The wizard came about a year after the holy ghost and came to my window. I was sleeping and the mattress was next to the window. Feeling someone wake me, I saw a staff with a flower bracelet at the bottom, the same bottom end staff that jabbed me to wake me up. I saw nothing else but the staff and a hand, again I did nothing, turning in my bed and going back to bed. I am continually woken up by spirits even with medicine to work through the night, the spirits don’t mind what work I do as long as I am up working. Its very strange. So how do I know it was a wizard ghost? Because of the staff. Yet I also think of the lord being a shepherd with a staff, so I’m not so sure. However, another night the old man came again waking me up and “giving” me his ghostly staff saying how tired he is. Like I am supposed to take over? Moving on.

Some other rules I’ll leave you with is no coffee, and meat seems to be a problem as well. I am assuming these dietary restrictions are to keep one lighter physically for spiritual refinement.