ADHD- The Ignored Superpower

For years I have struggled with seemingly simple tasks. Be quiet? That was impossible.

Clean my room…? Almost thirty four years later and we still haven't got that figured out.

I was always categorized as a “smart kid” but somethings I would do seemed oppositional of that. I struggled in school with math. Math is still a pain in my ass to this day but I can do my basics to functions.

I’m a born American and my English grades have always been terrible. Not because I failed to express myself in writing, but I failed to chorale my thoughts in a seamless and logical manner befitting a graded assignment. I had the arguments I wanted to use figured out but, I could not find the proper flow that allowed the teachers to see my point or even see that I had not began the paper two hours before class.

Another thing that should've made things clear sooner was the troubles I had spacing out. It was nothing for me to start a task and get lost in my inner thoughts. A chore like washing dishes could take me hours. The dishes didn't have to be stacked high or particularly dirty with baked on food and grease. My brain would start the process of running hot water in the sink, wetting the sponge and picking up a plate to start cleaning it. The thoughts in my mind, they took over. And soon as they took over, I would fall down that rabbit hole and my brain would chase after that little rabbit.

Numerous times that I would be engaged in a conversation and I would unintentionally zone out. It would seem like I was uncaring but the inner dialogue would latch onto one statement, my mind would be off and running after it. It could be a topic that held my full interest, it only took a split moment for my mind to collect the thought and almost dissect it, study the potential outcomes and create other thoughts that it may find similar or just as intriguing.

Here is an example of how my brain works at times...

This one particular morning, I was watching videos on Facebook before I got out of bed for my last day in the salon. I stumbled upon this video about the Jamaican National Fruit- The Ackee. I watched until the video mentioned that the unripe fruit contains a naturally occurring amino acid derivative called Hypoglycin-A and Hypoglycin- B. It is found in this variety of unripened fruit of the soapberry family. This hosts members like the lychee, longan berry and rambutan to name a few. Why this caught my eye is unusual. This protoxin is able to inhibits gluconeogenesis which is the ability to produce glucose. When hypoglycin is metabolized, a byproduct is created that inhibits the body's ability to convert long chain fatty acids beta oxidation into a valid energy source. If I was understanding this clearly, may cause the body's glycogen store to be depleted. Upon learning about this issue, my brain wanted to ask questions.

Could this toxin be broken down into a safe does to be used in individuals that had Type 1 diabetes? I remember my own pediatric nurse telling me that a lot of children that are diagnosed with their glucose in the upper hundreds into the lower thousands. Blood sugars in those realms can cause so many heath concerns include diabetic coma and can lead to death of limbs resulting in amputation. Now, I have absolutely no chemistry or medical background thus, I have no clue how any of this could be used. The thought of introducing a tiny dose of this protoxin into a liquid suspension in order to reduce extremely high glucose... it seems like a possibility.

When I was diagnosed, my glucose was 675. Normal levels per the American Diabetes Association for a non diabetic individual is 70-99 ml/dl. For someone with diabetes, before meals: 70-130 mg/dl. Two hours after the first bite of a meal: less than 180 mg/dl. I was in insulin therapy for a day trying to learn how to give myself injections and flush my system as I was in the beginnings of Diabetic Ketoacidosis. It took about a week or two for my body to try and make things logical.

I had begun the thought of if there was a medication to be used in specific circumstances to help reduce the sugar in a quicker manner in order for doctors to then rebalance the body's natural order. Potentially by introducing an insulin therapy and helping the patient and care team/ family begin this possible lifelong regimen. Would this reduce the impact on the body experiencing prolonged high glucose levels? Would this cause the person's body to go into a type of shock from the rapid depletion of the glucose storage?

This thought process went on for about 40 minutes. The problem with this rabbit hole is the flow of time is significantly different, less relative than what we consider. When I realized the time, I had twenty minutes to get dressed and get to work in the same twenty minutes.

One of my regular clients pre- COVID stopped in the store where I offered salon services. As we talked, she brought up a recent diagnosis of having ADHD. She was already aware of my history with anxiety and depression but she helped me connect the dots that I had failed to. For years, my mother would state that she had tested for ADHD as a small child and these tests said I was fine. I had no “learning disabilities”. Cue a week or two later and a new client came in with a similar late life diagnosis. She also mentioned that anxiety and depression were sometimes comorbidities instead of stand alone diagnoses.

Two people in a short time that were misdiagnosed or undiagnosed until they were in their late 20s and early 30s. I sat down and thought long and hard about the information I had been presented. When I started looking up some of the often missed symptoms and indications, I felt shook. And definitely not in a good way.

Some of the research that I had done showed that women in America are typically 69% less likely to be a diagnosed and younger childhood. It was thought to be a young cisgendered male’s condition. Where assumed male children were considered hyperactive or rambunctious and thus helping lead to these diagnoses.

For women though, some of the symptoms would be the inability to focus on task for long periods of time. The inability to finish a task, for example, starting a project but failing to complete it or completely losing focus on it. Being easily sidetracked from a task that was set. And a common problem I had problems with, trouble organizing tasks and activities. All my life, the task of cleaning always was hell. It was a challenge created to watch me fail.

My mom would tell me “pick up your clothes”. I would start and then something I saw near the clothes would get my attention. I would then shift focus to the similar items that originally distracted me. Soon, my mom would be blistering mad that my floor had almost the same amount of clothes scattered around as when I started.

Pick up the toys you want to keep was a similar task in futility. So was the cleaning method my dad would use. Throw all of it away because if it was in the floor, you didn't want it. I would start to pick up things but I would start fixating on one thing and we were back to square one.

Recent years, I was very aware of one of the prevalently ignored, internal complaints; anxiety. Oh my dear favorite pain in the ass; anxiety. I would be triggered into a panic for seemingly no logical reason. I spent many days with the constant and highly intrusive hypersensitivity that I thought was an issue caused by anxiety. So many days that the feeling of annoyance and irritation of seemingly EVERYTHING, pulsating under my skin like a rolling tide under a flesh tone sheet of plastic.

I thought my lack of sleep was heavily based on how my brain would be spiraling, threads of anxiety jerking my limbs like a tortured marionette. So much time was wasted in a sleepy fog caused by taking doses of kid’s antihistamines to induce sleep.

I was known to have a cast iron stomach. The only thing that could make me nauseous was a stomach virus/flu. With the diagnosis of anxiety, I pinned the upset stomach on my insecurity to handle the stress. Same went for my unexplained headaches and migraines. I knew my family had a history of aneurysms, migraines and hormone issues. It would be no issue for me to have a terrible, migraine strength, headache after my menstrual cycle. My body being under stress because of my job and the consistent state of anxious interactions, it was perfectly normal for me.

Little did I know, a lot of these issues were indicators and red flags to look at with ADHD.

My original client gave my her therapist’s contact information and I made an appointment. He was calm and patient and wanted me tested sooner than later. The next week, I was in his office and taking a TOVA test.

TOVA is an acronym for test of variables of attention. It is a neuropsychological assessment that gives the subject a task that they have to focus on. Over the course of 20 to 30 minutes, it assesses the brain’s ability to focus on a boring task and its ability to focus on a stimulating task. From my understanding, it is not a stand alone assessment. Generally, it may be paired with other diagnostic techniques such as a CPT which stands for continuous performance test or task. Another that may be used is a Neuropsychiatric EEG-Based Assessment Aid (NEBA) System. This may assist by monitoring the theta and beta wave the brain gives off while being stimulated.

I had ADHD. It was glaring obvious. This doctor had just picked up the test results off the printer and could see the ADHD within seconds. I was floored. For almost 30 years, I had been perceived as being very intelligent but lazy. I was a risk to group seating charts and often times was made to sit with my desk facing the wall, by myself.

For twenty one years, I had felt stupid in math because I couldn't grasp the concept. I had struggled and was assumed to be lazy and not trying. People not understanding that I was trying, but I was having the hardest time making the information make sense. Trying to process the information in class and completely having my mind go blank even with the notes I took.

Thirty years of being in trouble because I couldn't complete certain tasks because I would get so completely lost in my brain. The numerous times I had felt stupid because I had internalized what all of the comments of “she's smart but she not trying.” All to now realize that I was trying and I needed help.

Ten years of having anxiety and dealing with my mind not being under my control. Followed up by three years of having depression. All these things that may have been something else all together. I was armed with a diagnosis that I needed help understanding. Help processing and finding ways to work around my brain. By the way, the assessments and conversations with the doctor led to me being diagnosed with Severe ADHD.

Even with the information, there were positive aspects that I didn't realize. My relationship with hyper fixation has led to my learning certain information with little trouble. I also considered it my hidden superpower.

At a young age, my Nana showed me beginner level crocheting. I could make chains, double and triple stich and even popcorn stitches. A few years ago, I saw something that was knitted. I was curious as to why I never learned. I owned a pair of knitting needles but never knew how to use them. I only could get the first row casted on the one needle but I had never successfully created a second row. I hyper fixated. After about three hours, I had learned how to cast on and build into a growing pattern that resembles a functional scarf. What started as a random, intrusive thought became a soft hobby that I can immerse in that allows me to destress.

Foreign languages fell into that category also. I have always been fond of foreign languages. I’m not fluent in any but I love to study the history of languages. I love to read different words and have an understanding; regardless how general it may be. One of my favorite animes is called Yuri on Ice. I read a lot of fan created content and one of the story’s main characters is Russian. Many times, they will have him using various phrases and pet names is Russian. Me, the overachiever, had to figure out what he was saying, how was it pronounced and challenged myself to recognize it written in Cyrillic. For no reason other than curiosity and for the sake of being able to read something straight through. This is a language that was never on my radar. A coworker of mine speaks Russian fluently and I had no thoughts of saying anything in Russian. Now, my hyperactive brain allows me to catch on to pieces of the language, recognizing small words and few phrases.

Most recently, I fell down a deep organizational task that was self-assigned. I have a lot, A LOT of nail supplies. I love doing acrylic nails and practicing different art techniques. I had three large totes that sat in the dining room closet. My mom bought me a large, three drawer totes on wheels and two smaller totes to sit on top.

I sat at the dining room table for close to four hours organizing the various glitters, shimmers, and rhinestones. I separated the nail stickers from the water slide decals and the smaller acrylic polymers from the larger jars, The sanding bands were split into four small bags and each electric file bit was deep cleaned to perfection. This task took hours of my evening because it delved down the rabbit hole. Yet… yet I had nothing but a sense of accomplishment. I had sat there quietly sorting and shifting through items that normally would’ve have given me many more problems. Problems that would’ve have left things just out and in a neat, chaotic set of piles with me failing to finish the task.

I take this time to say…This story is unfinished because I am still learning how to manage my issues. Good thing is that my psychiatric nurse practitioner is helping me along this path. We are trying medications to see if that will assist my mind in focusing on various tasks. So far, it's not perfect but we are adjusting as we go. I have spent numerous years masking that I was fine when I was far from it. I had such hard and demanding episodes from my anxiety attacks and thinly masked depression issues that definitely did not help the image of myself. The self that only I can see and that only I could hear. I felt my mind screaming in the background, loud and overbearing. Now, I have much better control and outlooks in my progress.

From content creator to audience and human to human, if you suspect that you have something going on in your body, check it out. We are own healthcare advocates and we live in this flesh tone skin bags day in and day out. If anyone knows when something is wrong, it is us. Hopefully, this will give that person that suspects something is off the courage to ask for help. Seek answers because you deserve them. I'm not saying to use this as an excuse to flake out. Use the information as understanding that you can seek help and there is always one person not wanting/ willing to judge you for needing assistance.