6 Ways You’re Ruining Your Life

One of my favourite Instagram accounts is The Holistic Psychologist, run by Dr. Nicole LePera. In her posts, she breaks down and articulates concepts such as re-parenting, mind-gut connection, ego, and self-betrayal so well.

Recently I found her post about common core beliefs and it resonated with me. Every single one felt very relatable or exactly like someone I knew.

According to LePera, a core belief is a belief created in the subconscious mind between birth to age 7, that a person has internalized as ‘truth’ or ‘reality’.

The Reticular Activation System (RAS) is a bundle of nerves in the brain stem that filters out information from our environment to confirm core beliefs. It’s like that saying about seeing the world through rose-coloured glasses. Once you have a core belief, you see the world through that filter and experience confirmation bias.

Becoming conscious of core beliefs allows us to unlearn them, make new decisions and create new responses.

Here are the 6 Common Core Beliefs:

1. I am not worthy, good enough, something is ‘wrong’ with me.

Adult behaviours:

• self betrayal;
• negative self talk;
• procrastination;
• chronic fear of criticism;
• performing or playing a role;
• denying ones own needs and boundaries.

2. I must betray myself (or parts of myself) in order to be loved and chosen.

Adult behaviours:

• codependency patterns;
• enabling partners who harm you and themselves;
• fear of stating your own needs;
• lack of boundaries;
• inability to be vulnerable;
• avoidance of romantic relationships;
• losing self in romantic relationships.

3. I must compete, smear, or tear down others in order to “win” or get what I want.

Adult behaviours:

• fear-based decision making;
• inability to collaborate;
• assuming everyone has negative intentions or is “out to get you”;
• black and right or right and wrong polarized thinking;
• inability to see a perspective of another.

4. People will never stay and will always abandon me.

Adult behaviours:

• insecure attachment in relationships;
• inability to follow through with tasks;
• controlling behaviours;
• impulsive behaviours (shopping, changing jobs, relationships, etc without being intentional or fully thinking them through).

5. I am unlucky, good things do not happen to me.

Adult behaviours:

• sarcasm as a coping mechanism;
• “playing small”;
• fear over revealing dreams, goals and aspirations;
• chronic complaining;
• emotional dumping as connection.

6. I am not safe and the world is not safe.

Adult behaviours:

• addiction or negative behaviours as an attempt to regulate the nervous system;
• isolation;
• high reactivity;
• defensiveness;
• over-independence;
• lack of resilience.

Chances are that some, if not all, of these core beliefs and adult behaviours, felt relatable to you. After reading this, I started thinking about the way my family spoke. The way they spoke about themselves, me, other people, and the world. I knew I grew up in a negative and self-defeating environment, but finding these specific statements made me realize how unconsciously I accepted these beliefs as truths.

If you think about it, what phrases did you hear in your family again and again that solidified some of these beliefs for you?

My parents, although inadvertently, reinforced the message that achievement is everything; that formal education is the path to success, and I’m only worth as much as my education or how successful I am in my career. That the world was dangerous and scary, so I had to be careful and protect myself by staying at home and not going out or constantly be texting them while I was out. That we just aren’t “lucky”. That ‘X’ family has it easier (must be nice). That other’s came first. That life is unfair and I just have to accept it. That people take advantage of me if I let them.

And then, as a woman in the world, I also had to conform to the idea of a “good girl” (a.k.a. being obedient) in order to be loved and chosen.

I felt attacked by Dr. Nicole LePera when I saw this post. In a good way. It opened my eyes and gave me a sense of understanding of some of my behaviour. It articulated and demonstrated so much of what I live out unconsciously.

It’s no surprise I struggled with self-esteem and finding joy. If you believe good things don’t happen to you, then it won't. And every time something goes wrong, you’ll turn to the person next to you and say “See? I told you I’m not lucky.”

LePera’s work is all about identifying these various childhood wounds that we all carry around and healing them.

She explains that awareness is the first step of healing. It’s the first step towards seeing the invisible and subconscious pattern that guides us. And once you are aware of these patterns, instead of complaining about them and blaming other people, we can just change them. If we don’t like our lives, our choices and what we believe in, then once we become aware of them, we can change them. We can create our own path.

Yes, we all have issues rooted in our childhood. But that doesn’t mean we can’t let go of these issues, heal and grow from them. After all, we have free will. We are co-creators of our lives and should not limit ourselves.

"Healing is about CREATING a new perspective. Practicing new thoughts. New beliefs. Challenging old ones. Stepping away from beliefs that create unwanted patterns." — Dr. Nicole LePera

What core beliefs are you working to unlearn?