Dear Bartenders

I have worked in a bar for two years, and I have been a waiter for four. So I’ve had my fair share of shit from customers over the years. Here’s some of the things I, and my colleagues have to deal with.

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I’ll order about ten drinks and then proceed to order my Guinness last, and wonder why it’s taking so long.

Wait until the bartender tell me the cost, I’ll then add nuts and crisps to that order.

I’ll demand for a straw, even though they’ll stop having them, but I’m sure they’ll have some out back magically if I ask.

I’ll proceed to not know what I want when I get to the bar and make the bar tender and everyone around me wait for five minutes while I decide.

I’ll pay for £17 all in change and I’ll leave it on the beer soaked bar mat for the bartender to pick up, I’m sure that’ll be fine.

I’ll go drop off some of the drinks and have a couple minute chat at the table, then I’ll come back and collect the rest, but I won’t pay till I’ve done this three times. I’m sure the bartender won’t mind waiting.

Oh look the bartender is collecting glasses, let’s ignore them and let’s not move any of the glasses closer to them, and make the stretch all over the table, and glare at them for doing so.

I’ll just rip up the little beer mats, I’m sure they don’t need them. And I’ll put them in an empty cup, because I’m cleaning.

Sure I’ll get served if I wait in the glass collecting area of the bar.

I’m about the fourth person in the queue, but I’m sure if I wave my money in the air I’ll be going next.

Dogs allowed? Great! I’ll let my dog sit on the chairs and put their paws all over the table, and let them lick the glasses.

No kids after 8pm? I’m sure they won’t mind if I have my children here till much later. But I’ll say I didn’t realise when they try to ask me to leave. And I’ll buy another round.

Sure I look young, but they’ll never ID me, and if they do I’ll roll my eyes, scoff or make a shitty joke about how old I actually am.

I’ll make sure to not stack and of the plates up because that’s their job to do so.

I’ll be sure to wedge some glasses together so that the bartender can’t get them loose.

Oh that bar tender has a lot of empty glasses in their hands, and there only room for one person to fit through this door way? Let me be considerate and make them wait and struggle for me and all my friends to go through the door slowly and chat the entire way.

Oh I’ll be sure to mention how nice this bartenders tits are by staring and saying ‘nice tits!’

What a pretty lady, I bet she’ll be impressed by me surrounded by all my mates, I’ll ask her for her number, because there’s always room for a flirt.

Let’s ask, in this Gin bar, about all the gins they have in detail and proceed to still have the cheapest option. Same goes for tonic water.

I can have a taster of each ale to see which one I like best? Oh I better make a joke about asking for free trial shot after trial shot so I can get drunk for free. Because they definitely haven’t heard that one before.

I’ll be sure to bring in my underage child into the premises and ask for a lager for them. I’m sure the bartenders won’t realise.

After ordering my food at the bar, I’ll be sure to leave the menu at the bar so that beer can get all over it. They’re meant to be washed every day anyway.

Oh no I left my menu at the bar, I’ll demand to get a new one for the pudding, then proceed to leave that one at the bar too.

Because poring beer into a god bowl is legal and not animal abuse at all is it?

I’ll take my dog inside the bar and let it bark the entire time.