Young Love with John and Raphael in What Now?

It was lunch and as usual, I was sitting with John and Sarah. They were talking about something I didn't really care about, I couldn't focus on the conversation I was overwhelmed by I don't quite know what, but it's been happening for almost a week. I try not to, but I find myself constantly staring at John. it makes me calm and happy and of course anxious but only because it is all so confusing! And when he laughs it's like everything is right in the world for that moment, a feeling that I only feel around John. He's my best friend, and maybe my only real friend.

"Hey, Raphael! Are you even paying attention!" she huffed, bringing me out of my head.

"I-I uh-um uh yea" I stuttered, pretending nothing was wrong, I brought my attention to my lunch so I couldn't answer any more questions.

"Relax Sarah," John gave me a reassuring smile that made my heart race, but not in an anxiety attack way, "You know he gets like that sometimes, it's just how he is." I looked up at him and felt that calm and happy feeling again.

I finished eating quickly in hopes of going back to the classroom and trying to sort this out in a poem, but as usual, my anxiety delayed me doing that. It made me run through simulations of the worst possible reactions I could get for leaving. Eventually, I was able to nervously head back to the classroom.

When I got there, I looked at the clock, I had around ten minutes before people start coming back from the Lunch Rush and another fifteen before class starts. I hoped that would be enough time. I got out a pencil and my poetry journal, and let my feeling flow onto the paper, not fully aware of what I was writing before I actually wrote the words.

What is this feeling,

All warm and new?

What is this feeling,

Always centered around you?

I don't know

What to think,

I don't like things that are new.

But I like this feeling.

How I feel around you.

But the feeling is scary,

But only because

It is new

What is this feeling,

Always centered around you?

My heart starts racing.

But this time,

For once, it feels nice.

For

When I'm around you,

I feel safe and secure,

Something else that is new.

What is this feeling,

All warm and new?

But what can I say,

Except that I love you?

Except that I love you, I started at the last line as I consciously processed what my subconscious just told me. I'm in love with John, I'm in love with my best friend. What do I do now? I folded my arms on my desk dropped my head on top of them. Now what? I can't tell him how I feel what if he doesn't feel the same way then I'll lose him as a friend and if Sarah had to choose between us she'd pick John. There is no way he'd return my feelings, why would anyone like me, I'm just a mess of anxiety and depression! He doesn't know that I like boys, my parents don't even know that I like boys, I don't know how any of them would react and with John I don't know if he likes boys, he never talked about girls in that way but he never talked about boys in that way either! This is a disaster I have all of these feelings and I can't tell anyone or I'll lose my best friend. I have to just keep all of these feelings to myself or I'll lose John as a friend all together and I can't have that I need to have him in my life in some way. So, I just can't tell him or-

My rumination was interrupted by the sound of John asking if I was ok. And I just had to tell him that everything was fine, pretending that him caring, didn't make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I internally groaned at the fact that I'm going to have to hold in these feelings indefinitely.

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This story is the prequel to "Young Love with John and Raphael in Not as Brave as you"

The poem was written by me, and can be read here:

This Feeling

If you like this story? I have others in the collection, and I have and several different series that I am working on, as well as a poetry collection. I keep a google doc housing summaries of each story and all of the installations that I've posted in an easy to navigate google doc: Click Here

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~~Ben Ray