Young Love with John and Raphael in Gone

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Raphael POV

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“No, you’re a freak that’s not right!”

I can’t believe he said that.

John’s words ran through my head on loop. Making me sink farther and farther into the dark parts of my mind. The parts that my now ex-boyfriend helped pull me out of. He never will again. He dumped me he hates me because I’m trans, I worked up the courage to tell him since I’ve been living as Raphael, a boy before I moved here. There was a small part of my mind that was worried that he wouldn’t like me because of it, but even with my anxiety, I didn’t think that this would happen. He told me that he loved me, and I believed it. He made me feel like I was worth something. I guess I’m not if he can just toss me aside like that. It’s been two days and he bearly acknowledges my existence. Sometimes I’d catch him looking at me with a flash of longing or worry that is quickly replaced by disgust before looking away. He hasn’t talked to me or texted me.

I hated myself for resorting to this. I had been clean for months. John helped me stop but now, I would go to the kitchen and find the sharpest knife. I'd watched my blood drip down the sink through tear-blurred eyes. I had no better way to deal with this level of pain. None of my good strategies worked John helped me find most of them, which just made me want to cut even more. I hated it as I hastily tended to my arm, looking down at the collection of existing scars that had accumulated over the years and the past few days.

Why did I have to be trans why couldn’t I just be normal then I would still have him, but now I had no one. No one else in class bothered to talk to me unless it was a group project where I couldn’t just be with John. I don’t know how to make friends I just had him and that was all I needed.

A few more days went by. It was too much work counting them. I kept checking my phone, hoping to get a text from him, while looking at our old conversations, but they only brought me pain and longing. Despite all that he said, I still loved him so much that if he decided to accept me everything would be better, but he didn't.

It had been a week, maybe two. It was becoming impossible to fight my depression. I stopped going to school a few days ago, I couldn't find the motivation, and he would be there, just reminding me of how messed up I was. I was barely eating. My parents were busy with work, so they didn’t notice the change in my behavior.

I scribbled out my thoughts, finishing my poetry journal. I didn’t bother getting another, I wouldn't need another one.

Gone.

His presence.

Torn

From

My Life.

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Suddenly,

Without

A Warning.

Without

A Trace.

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His Absence

Felt

Deep,

Inside

My Soul.

~

Communication

Has Ceased.

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His

Constant Chatter,

No Longer,

Graces

My Phone.

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Leaving Me,

Empty.

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Empty

And Lost.

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His Presence,

Occupies

My Thoughts,

No Longer,

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That,

is what

I wish

I could say.

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I still feel

The Loss.

Burning.

Inside

of me.

~

Although

he

Is still Alive.

to me,

He is Gone.

I read it again and then took the pen and wrote "I’m sorry" and "goodbye" in big letters over the poem.

I left my room and left the journal open on the kitchen table, where it would be found. I looked at the knife drawer, I'd been clean for months but I walked over grabbed a large knife, and cut deep gashes into my arm, deeper than I had ever done before, nothing really mattered anymore.

As blood was dripping down from my arm, I climbed the stairs to the roof of the apartment building. I walked to the edge. I could see people walking on the ground. They had something to live for. I didn’t.

I leaned forward about to let gravity do its thing, when I felt my phone go off in my pocket. For some reason, I decided to check it. It was John, and it was long.

“Raphael I’m so sorry for how I acted I should have known nothing changed about you it was all in my head and what I’ve been raised to believe. You’re wonderful and I miss you I want to be boyfriends again Raphael if you’ll have me again. I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore, maybe we can start over as friends? I really miss you and I'm so sorry about everything.”

I read the message and smiled, his caring gave me enough will to live to not actively end it. I stepped back from the ledge and lay down on the roof, knowing what I almost did. What would have happened had I not checked my phone.

“I missed you too,” I responded.

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I wrote the poem, if you like it, I have other poems posted on this site.

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~~Ben

Raphael and John are based on Mirio and Tamaki from My Hero Academia

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