This is Me Trying

The first time it happened Alec didn’t give it much thought. He probably hadn’t behaved properly; he had deserved that, for sure. Still, there had been something about his father hitting him like that hadn’t sat right with him.

He had been around the age of four.

The next time, only a couple of months went by. Robert had come back home, drunk and irritated. He got it all out on Alec, who didn’t really understand what had just happened until he found himself staring at his own reflection in the mirror, with a black eye and a bruise on his cheek.

This went on for years, gradually becoming something that happened on a regular basis. The abuse never stopped, not even when Alec was old enough to fight Robert back. He had grown up with his father’s abuse, it was something rooted inside of him; just like the terror he felt every time his father walked into a room.

Alec somehow managed to get out of there, years later. Not by himself. He had met this guy just a few months ago, who had given Alec his number, at the café Alec had stopped by to get a coffee.

He had never gotten anyone’s number before; it had made him feel special for some reason, so he had called him, Caleb, and they had hung out. It had been great to talk to someone again, Alec had noticed while talking to Caleb. It wasn’t like he was the most social person out there, but after barely talking to anyone for a long while, he was grateful for Caleb’s company.

And just like that, Alec had found himself falling for him. Turns out Caleb had been feeling the same way about him, the day Alec confessed how he felt to him. They started dating and for once in his life, as far as he could remember, Alec didn’t feel so bad anymore.

Yes, the abuse was still there, his father hadn’t stopped, but there was Caleb and he made him feel good. He made him feel loved, cared for in a way he could not remember ever feeling. Maybe that was what had blinded him.

Caleb used Alec’s own inexperience against him. He was well aware this was Alec’s first relationship. Him, on the other hand… well, he was quite the opposite. Caleb had taken advantage of him multiple times before Alec started feeling bad about it all.

Alec always brushed it off. He was feeling bad about it because he had never done anything of this before, he wasn’t used to it, yet; that was what Caleb told him and Alec trusted him with his everything, so he was right.

When Caleb offered Alec to move in with him, the blue-eyed man had never accepted anything so fast in his life. An opportunity to get out of the toxic household he had lived in for years, how could he have let that go?

Little had Alec known in that moment, packing his bags, happier than he had ever been, that he was simply trading an abusive father for an abusive boyfriend.

At first it hadn’t been much. Their relationship was still the same, besides these moments when Alec didn’t feel so good about it all; it happened during sex, with house chores and then it went on with yells every now and then, slaps which became punches and beatings afterwards, controlling, gaslighting and abuse once more, in both physical and verbal senses.

Thankfully, this didn’t last as long as Robert’s abuse had, however it did feel truly worse for Alec. It was different with Caleb than it had been with his father. He didn’t remember a loving father. He did remember the start of his relationship with Caleb, though, how he had told him he loved him, how he was the reason he smiled every day, how he had promised him to take care of him no matter what.

And that was what broke Alec even further. He had always blamed Robert’s abusive behavior to his work and the stress it brought, generational trauma, his wife (Alec’s mother, Maryse) leaving him.

Caleb had changed while they had been dating. He had blamed his change on himself. He must have done something wrong, that made his boyfriend yell at him because the floors weren’t clean enough, or because he had gone out without telling him beforehand.

He had also forbidden Alec from getting a job or going to university which was something Alec had been looking forward to, once he got out of Robert’s house and had enough money to pay for university.

The thing about Caleb was that he didn’t do what Robert did: abuse in a physical way; he did beat Alec up occasionally, but not often. He did so, but in a more verbal way. Alec had never been sure what was worse.

It all abruptly came to an end, on Caleb’s birthday. Alec bought a cake for him, without knowing that the cake had both wheat and peanut in it; Caleb was terribly allergic to those, but Alec hadn’t know that back then.

It had taken a couple of bites for Caleb to start choking, unable to breathe. They had initially dismissed it, until he started to see he couldn’t breathe for real. His face had become red, his eyes swollen and red as well. His neck had started to itch as he struggled to breathe.

Alec had not understood what was going on up until some long seconds later. Caleb was gesturing at him desperately, as if he were trying to tell him something; Alec wouldn’t know until it was too late, that what Caleb had been gesturing at him for was to try to tell him to get his medicine for allergies, what he had in case anything like this happened.

Caleb died that day, while Alec uselessly tried to get him to breathe, the ambulance on their way to their apartment. The paramedics arrived to a panicking Alec and a lifeless Caleb, both on the floor.

Caleb’s parents had pressed charges against Alec, their argument being that he had done that on purpose, he had killed their son because he wanted to keep the apartment for himself and a whole other bunch of idiotic reasons.

Some stressful weeks went by after that, where they actually went to trial because of Caleb’s parents. Alec didn’t have enough money to pay for an attorney, but he did pay for a public defender. Somehow, they won the case.

One of the few things that had gone well in Alec’s life.

Caleb’s parents didn’t stop there, though. They took the apartment from Alec, leaving him homeless for some time. He found a job, he sold some of his belongings for not much, but he managed to get a low rent apartment after some months of considering whether it was worse living in the streets or going back to his father’s house.

He would never go back there, but the temptation had been big on the nights he spent by himself, on the cold streets of a winter in New York. Most of the days, he didn’t eat because he needed to save up for an apartment. In his head, once he got a place to live, everything would be better.

Some days it was really hard, however, not to eat, until one day he stole a wallet from someone, when they walked past him. He ignored the yells of the person he had stolen from, only feeling anxiety and guilt, the urgency to leave with that wallet before they caught him.

Alec had forgotten what not eating for days could do to a person. The man he had stolen from chased and caught him within half a minute. He threw him to the ground, falling on him. Alec would always remember the feeling of being crushed against the hard ground like that, how his head had hit it so hard.

The stranger had quickly moved off Alec after grabbing the wallet from Alec’s pale, dirty hands. And he would have left as fast as he had gotten off him, if it wasn’t because he heard Alec, softly apologizing and begging him to help him.

Alec had grown accustomed to begging over the years, mostly because of his father. Not that it had ever worked, so maybe that was why he was surprised when the stranger turned around and helped him up.

Turns out he was a beautiful man, Magnus Bane, who would later on become the love of Alec’s life; but none of them had known that, when Magnus had helped Alec sit up against the wall as he apologized for throwing him to the ground like that, crouching down next to him.

Alec had dismissed his apology, whispering about how he was sorry for having stolen from him. Magnus hadn’t said anything about that. He had simply stared at him for some seconds before he had asked him how old he was and when was the last time he’d had a decent meal.

Unsurprisingly, Alec hadn’t known what to answer to the second question; he had completely lost sense of time during the time he had been living in the streets. All the days and nights were the same to him. He simply told Magnus he was 24.

Magnus had introduced himself to him afterwards, telling him he was only two years older than him. Alec had been really confused as in to why Magnus was even still there, but he hadn’t complained about it. It felt nice to talk to someone again; just like it had when he had met Caleb.

Thinking about that always made Alec feel uneasy. To say he felt utterly guilty and blamed himself for Caleb’s death every day was an understatement. Forgetting to reply to Magnus, he had let his head fall back against the wall the moment another wave of nausea hit him.

Whether it was because of hunger, or the way his head had hit the floor after Magnus had caught him, he would never know. The thing was that Magnus took him to his house, later on. He told Alec he could have a shower at his house and spend the night there.

Alec had refused at first. He had no idea what the guy’s intentions could be. He’d had enough of bad situations in his life. As depressing as it could sound, Alec ended up following Magnus because he was pretty convinced he wouldn’t survive another abusive situation.

Little had he known, walking behind the man he had tried stealing from, that this would change his life forever, not in the way Caleb had, but in the best way possible.

***

“It’s like you’re asking for it!”

It was when Alec covered his face instinctively, that the tension immediately dissipated. So many years without Robert’s abuse, yet he still couldn’t help these kind of things.

Magnus stopped scratching his neck, breathing heavily. He usually didn’t raise his voice; not ever, really, but he was exhausted today and sometimes he raised his voice more than he intended to. He knew about Alec, his father and ex-boyfriend, what he’d gone through.

That was yet another reason to have a silent, peaceful environment at home. The two of them enjoyed silence and were grateful for it. Maybe that was why there were never loud noises or raised voices, unlike today.

Magnus had been out all day, working. He had come back home to Alec trying to keep it all together as he tried to cook dinner for the two of them. Turns out none of them had had the best of days and while that came out as exhaustion for Magnus, for Alec it did so as anxiety and mental lows.

Alec never really cooked. He was a disaster at it, something Caleb had mocked him for and had turned out to be one more insecurity of his. Turns out Alec had been cooking when Magnus had arrived home, because he had felt the need to repay Magnus for all he had done for him.

It happened a lot; he felt terribly guilty for not helping Magnus with much. He knew love never came for free and if he didn’t do anything for Magnus, his boyfriend would eventually leave him, or hurt him like his father and Caleb had.

Alec had tried making dinner, because he couldn’t do any other chore. He had cleaned the apartment and put everything in place, but he had felt like that wasn’t enough, so he had decided to try cooking. He had cooked sometimes for Caleb, always getting it wrong because there were things he simply couldn’t do, and cooking was one of them.

Caleb had always made sure to scold Alec for his mistakes, however the day he messed up their dinner was the day Caleb had forbidden Alec from going anywhere near the kitchen again. Maybe that was why he still couldn’t cook, because the one chance he had gotten at perhaps learning to cook, Caleb had taken it away.

Magnus was the one who made their meals, unless they ordered takeout. He enjoyed it and Alec didn’t want to fuck anything up, so he hadn’t even tried to go to the kitchen, since he had moved in with Magnus.

That was why Magnus had been so surprised to see Alec in the kitchen, that night; he hadn’t been so surprised to see his boyfriend seemed to be panicking. It was nothing new, but he would never get used to seeing Alec like that.

He had gone to Alec, not even taking his jacket or boots off. Alec had been panicking, mumbling about how he was sorry because he had burned the hamburgers and constantly apologizing to Magnus when he realized he was there.

Magnus had turned off the stove at the sight of the burned-black hamburgers. Only afterwards had he focused on Alec. He had talked him out of the panicking state, reassuring him it was not that big of a deal, but Alec couldn’t stop apologizing and begging for him not to hurt him, until Magnus had raised his voice.

Alec didn’t open his eyes. He stayed still, waiting for the hit that never came. His hands were covering his head and face, because it had always hurt a lot to be hit there. He forgot Magnus hadn’t once abused him in any way. In his head, it was about time Magnus got tired of him and hit him or yelled at him. Or both.

Magnus stared down at his boyfriend. He was trembling, hiding himself from him because he was scared he would hurt him like Robert and Caleb had. He shouldn’t have raised his voice like that.

He hated doing that, but he had gotten frustrated because of Alec’s continuous begs for him not to hurt him that he hadn’t been able to hold it back. And now Alec was afraid of him, expecting him to hurt him. He really shouldn’t have raised his voice at Alec.

Alec let his hand slowly move down, just enough to glance up at Magnus. It was then, when he saw the way his boyfriend was looking down at him, his eyes filled with regret and hurt, that he realized the way he had reacted had been the wrong one. He gripped his hair with the hand he still had there.

He mumbled an apology that sounded more like a sob than words and disappeared off to the bathroom. Both Robert and Caleb had always hated to see him cry. Robert had even told him he didn’t want to see him cry, so Alec had made it into a habit to lock himself up in the bathroom whenever he needed to cry.

Old habits die hard.

Caleb had never liked either that Alec always locked himself up in the bathroom. The amount of times Alec had been crying in there, while Caleb had pounded on the door were infinite; it was always better to be able to cry and hear that, than to have to hold it in in order to not get hit one more time, Alec had told himself over and over again.

He closed the door and locked it up, already crying. He covered his mouth when the sobs started. He didn’t want Magnus to hear him cry. He had already fucked up their dinner, that was one reason to get a beating, he didn’t want to give Magnus another by letting him hear him cry in the bathroom.

Alec triple checked the door was locked, just in case. Caleb had once barged in and found him there. He had gotten one of the worst beatings he could remember from Caleb. He couldn’t let Magnus in the bathroom.

He moved all the furniture in the room, so that it was all against the door and then hid in the bath. Alec tried to remember what his psychologist had told him to do when things like these happened, that he couldn’t breathe because of the terror coursing through him.

It was so hard to think, still waiting for the pounds against the door to start. Alec was rocking back and forth a little, as if he were trying to comfort himself. Breathe in and out. He could try to do that.

Magnus hadn’t followed Alec immediately after he left. He had made sure that there wasn’t anything else on the stove, or anything that might set the kitchen in fire, before walking fast to the bathroom. It wouldn’t be the first time Alec locked himself somewhere and came out with self-injures.

He heard rumbling, it seemed like furniture moving around. Was that Alec?

He practically ran to the bathroom. For a second he considered opening the door as fast as he could, to make sure Alec was all right. He obviously didn’t do it, almost slapping himself for having had such idea in the first place; the last thing Alec needed right now was that.

He waited for the rumbling to stop, letting Alec do whatever he wanted; he could already guess he was moving the furniture, so he was probably just trying to make himself feel safer by blocking the door. It was when it stopped that he finally moved.

Magnus knocked on the door gently.

Caleb’s fists hit the door repeatedly, startling Alec, causing him to press his face further against his knees, in an attempt to muffle the loud noises.

“Alexander?”

“Alec, for fuck’s sake, come the fuck out of there!” Robert had once kicked the door down. That’s how Alec had stopped being able to hide in his own house.

“I’m sorry that I raised my voice. And my hand. It wasn’t to hit you, but I should have known better and I’m truly sorry for having upset you.”

“I hope you’re not crying in there, Alec,” Caleb’s voice had come through the closed door of the bathroom. “Only pathetic bitches do that, you know better than that. I don’t date pathetic people. It’s like you’re asking me to break up with you, honey.”

Magnus knocked on the door again, this time trying to open the door. He couldn’t; he had already been expecting that. “Alexander, I’m not… mad at you. Or angry or anything like that. I hope you know that. I’m just really tired and I’ve had a bad day at work, honey.”

“Don’t make my fucking day worse now or I’ll break your fucking fingers one by one once I get my hands on you!”

Alec let out a broken sob, gripping his hair tightly as he carefully breathed in and out. This happened often. He got a lot of flashbacks, whether it was during the day or the night, it didn’t matter. He constantly got nightmares and whenever he was triggered by something, the flashbacks came back.

Caleb had also said what Magnus was saying, just to lure him out of hiding. Why would he believe that again? He didn’t want to get hurt. Empty words with bad intentions behind; he knew what all that was about and he wouldn’t let anyone hurt him like that, ever again.

Why was he like that? Didn’t he trust Magnus? Of course I do, he thought to himself. He rubbed his eyes, big tears streaming down his cheeks. Then why didn’t he believe Magnus, when he told him he hadn’t meant to do that?

Because he had believed that once and it had gotten him hurt. That didn’t mean he would always get hurt, though. It was hard to believe that, now, with all those flashbacks coming back to him.

“Can I come in, or do you want some time alone?”

Now, that was something neither Caleb nor Robert had ever asked. They had never taken Alec’s feelings into account. Did he want to be alone? He wasn’t sure. He was hiding because he didn’t want to be hit. Was Magnus going to hit him, though? He had apologized just now for giving him the impression that that was his intention. Did he really mean that?

Alec didn’t answer. He sniffed, rocking himself again. If he let Magnus in, maybe he hurt him. But perhaps he didn’t and he actually meant what he had said, unlike Robert and Caleb. He should trust Magnus. He did trust Magnus. He had proven to be trustworthy more times than Alec could count.

Magnus would never hurt him. He had to believe in that.

Magnus was waiting for Alec to answer, standing outside at the door. He could hear occasional sniffs and sobs, but they could barely be heard. Alec had always been a silent person, even when he cried; especially when he cried.

“C-Come in.” Alec croaked out. A mantra of it’s okay was repeating itself in Alec’s head, reassuring himself it would all be all right.

Magnus hadn’t actually expected Alec to let him in. He told him to wait a second and went to their room, to get the key to open the locked bathroom. Once it was unlocked, he could actually open it, but he had to push in order to get whatever Alec had put against the door off the way.

He needed half a minute to open the door enough for him to squeeze himself into the bathroom, but he made it. Alec had his ears covered, trying to muffle the noise of the furniture being dragged on the floor. He was mentally telling himself to breathe in and out, just like his psychologist had told him to do whenever things like this happened.

Magnus found Alec in the bath, curled up, with his arms wrapped around his head, breathing at a slow pace. He was showing absolutely no signs of acknowledging Magnus’ presence there and he didn’t want to startle him.

“Alexander.”

Caleb had managed to unlock the door and go inside. He had found Alec sitting on the stool in their bathroom, with red eyes and wet cheeks. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He had snarled at Alec, slapping his face. “Hiding and crying? Really? Fucking pathetic.”

Magnus knelt down in front of the bath in silence.

The door had slammed against the wall, falling off its hinges. A ten-year-old Alec had been hiding inside the cupboard in bathroom when Robert had broken the door down. He had quickly found him and pushed him against the wall, choking him as he yelled at him.

Alec sniffed, holding the sobs back. He was considering hitting his head against the wall, in an attempt to get the flashbacks out of his head. Maybe he died by slamming his head too hard against the wall; that didn’t seem like a bad idea.

He chuckled, before bursting into tears again. He hadn’t had a good day either. He hadn’t done much. He had cleaned the house to keep himself busy but once that had been done, he found himself with nothing to entertain himself with, but his thoughts. And that never ended good.

He had gotten so anxious, to the point he had started organizing their fridge and their entire kitchen, desperately trying to forget his anxiety. It had obviously not worked, which had led up to Alec overthinking about his relationship with Magnus. That was how he had ended up in the kitchen, wanting to make a meal for them, so that Magnus would still love him.

Alec didn’t give Magnus any answer. The cat-eyed man waited, but Alec simply stayed silent, crying to himself. He sighed low, wishing he could hug Alec and fix everything with that. He was glad Alec had a therapy appointment tomorrow.

Magnus glanced at the shower head, curled around the bath tap. He had an idea.

“Remember those bath bombs I bought?” He kept his voice low, “I think there was a lavender one that looked really good. How about we try it out?”

He opened one of the drawers of the cabinet next to him, pulling out the bag with bath bombs. He fumbled with the bag a little until he found the purple and white bath bomb. When he looked up from the bag, after putting it back inside the drawer, he saw Alec finally looking at him; well, not at him directly, but at his hands.

“Hey, honey.”

“Seriously, Alec, this is just- bad. Why are you even crying? It’s not like I’ve done anything to you, or like anything has happened for that matter. Are you that much of a worthless, pathetic crying bitch?” Caleb had knelt down in front of him, taking his hands in his and sighing. “Honey, I really don’t know what I was thinking when I kissed you, because if I had known who you really are, I never would have started dating you.”

“I think a bath will do you good.”

“I will not be raising a fucking faggot.” Robert had hissed, watching his son’s face go red because of the lack of air caused by his arm pressed Alec’s neck.

Alec gave a short nod. He didn’t trust himself to make decisions, never had, not even with things like bathing or not. He would trust Magnus. He would always trust him, or at least try to. He moved a little, taking his pants off and throwing them to the laundry basket. That was it.

He would bath with his shirt and boxers on, first of all because he knew they were completely clean; second of all, because of how self-conscious he was about himself. Magnus had already seen him naked, however he still had issues with his body and the scars it bore.

He actually hated getting his clothes wet. It was so disgusting and off-putting that simply thinking about it made him grip his hair tighter. Maybe he should take his shirt too; not his boxers, though.

Magnus took Alec’s shirt and threw it to the laundry basket, when his boyfriend missed it. He could only see Alec’s legs, arms and head because his torso was hidden behind his legs. He knew how Alec felt about getting his clothes wet, so he was waiting for him to give him his boxers in order to start filling the bath.

But Alec didn’t. He stayed still, silent, slightly rocking himself.

“Should I go get your trunks?” Magnus took Alec’s barely visible nod as a yes.

A minute later, he was back with Alec’s dark blue trunks. He turned around after giving his boyfriend the trunks, letting him change without anyone watching him; some might think that was completely stupid, considering the fact that he and Alec had seen each other naked multiple times already.

It was not stupid. It was the privacy Alec needed because he was feeling vulnerable and self-conscious about himself and Magnus would respect that. He didn’t turn around until he heard the water running.

Alec flinched at the sudden noise, even though he had been the one to turn the water on. He turned it off and covered his ears. He needed silence.

“I-I’m sorry, I j-just-…”

“You just what? Alec, you can’t fucking cry every single time we have sex. It’s making me feel bad, for fuck’s sake! Like I’m doing things wrong! Am I doing things wrong? Am I making you cry? Tell me, Alec!”

“N-No, well, I m-mean, I just d-didn’t w-want to- do that n-now-…”

“You mean have sex? You didn’t want to have sex? Are you seriously fucking crying because you didn’t want to have sex?! What the fuck is wrong with you, Alec?!” Caleb’s words had hurt more than the second slap that had come afterwards.

Nobody in his life had understood the importance of silence; nobody until Magnus.

Robert had thrown his son to the floor, Alec’s head hitting the bath as he coughed for air. The ten-year-old boy had tried to get up, but Robert had kicked his side, forcing him back down. Alec had curled up in a ball against the bath, so that at least his back wouldn’t get hit.

“You know just how many fucking times a day,” Robert had started, as he crouched down closer to Alec’s face, until his son had smelled the alcohol in his breath. “I wish I would have done the same as your bitch of a mother and fucking left you?!”

Robert had taken ahold of Alec’s hair. He pulled it up, making him look up at him. Alec’s eyes were red, filled with tears once more as he struggled to breathe because of the previous choking and the current on-going panic rising inside of him.

“TOO DAMN FUCKING MANY!”

Alec didn’t notice how he had started to shake his head to himself, back to rocking anxiously. He was whimpering softly and crying again. He couldn’t take this. He started putting his hair behind his ears in an anxious manner, mentally counting how many times he did that.

Magnus recognized the compulsion immediately. He couldn’t see Alec counting, because it was a mental compulsion, but he knew that whenever his boyfriend did things repeatedly, he was internally counting them.

He slid closer to the bath tap and turned the water on, just a little so as not to startle his boyfriend any further. Alec barely even heard the water running again, too busy making sure he was counting it right. He needed to get both Caleb and his father’s yells off his mind.

“I’ll clean your feet, okay?” Magnus whispered, taking the shower head when the warm water started coming from there instead of the tap, at a low pressure.

Alec couldn’t stand getting in bed or bathing, out of many other examples, without cleaning his feet first. He and Magnus both had the habit of walking barefoot around the apartment barefoot and even though they made sure to keep it clean, nevertheless their feet got slightly dirty.

Alec always cleaned his feet before taking showers and this was no exception. He put his hair behind his ears and counted it some more times, until it felt right and he stopped. He had stopped crying and whimpering, but he was still trembling, rocking himself.

Magnus gently took Alec’s right foot. His legs were bent, so he had to pull a little until Alec straightened his leg by himself. He checked the water was warm again, just in case. The steady stream of water scrubbed off whatever little dirt Alec had on the bottom of his foot. Magnus repeated the motion on his left foot, ensuring that Alec was well aware of his every move.

“Okay, honey, a quick clean before we fill up the bath?”

That was yet another ritual Alec needed to go through before bathing, because it simply made sense. He had a quick shower in order to clean himself, before having a bath, so that the bath would be clean.

Magnus stood up to help Alec with the shower, giving him the shampoo, washing his hair and watching his boyfriend gradually move a little more, instead of shrinking further. Once this was done, Magnus put the drain stop on and the bath started filling up.

“M-Magnus.” Alec broke the silence they were submerged in.

Said man, whose cat eyes had been fixed in on the water, thinking about his day and how tired he was, hadn’t expected Alec to speak. Alec did talk, of course he did, but he preferred staying silent most of the time, especially when things like these happened; Magnus was pretty sure that he did that because he didn’t want to get hurt by saying the wrong thing.

Anyhow, he hadn’t expected Alec to talk already. It was normalized that Alec wouldn’t talk for a while after he had panic attacks or mental breakdowns, or simply because he didn’t feel good.

“Yeah, darling?”

Alec didn’t answer to that. He slid closer to him and placed his hand, palm up, on the side of the bath. Magnus smiled. He took his hand in his, intertwining them. Alec gave him a small smile in return, weakly squeezing his hand.

“I love you.” Magnus muttered, kissing the back of his hand.

“You know I love you, Alec, I really do, but this… it has to stop because you’re making me feel bad and I shouldn’t feel bad for having sex with my boyfriend.” Caleb had said, cupping the cheek, which was turning red fast because of the recent slap.

Alec smiled a bit more, squeezing his hand again, perhaps harder than before.

“I fucking hate you, you whore. I honestly just fucking wish Maryse had gotten that abortion she so wanted.” Robert had punched Alec’s ribcage right after saying that, before he continued kicking Alec until he passed out on the floor.

Alec let out a shaky deep breath, nodding at Magnus when his boyfriend started reminding him to breathe by taking deep breathes himself.

“You’re doing great,” Magnus praised him, “Shall we put the bath bomb in now? Have I ever told you how I used to think, as a kid, obviously, that I thought I had to take the plastic wrapping off?”

Magnus was great at having one-sided conversations. Alec liked listening to him. It took his mind off things; besides, watching Magnus talk about things was beautiful because of the way the cat-eyed man expressed himself, with his hand gestures and imitations.

“Well, I thought that this wouldn’t work if the plastic wasn’t taken off,” Magnus continued, after putting the bath bomb inside the water. He didn’t miss how Alec replaced it a couple of times. No comments were made. “And my dad… He almost-…” Magnus’ chest tightened as he stopped himself from saying anything else. There were certain things that weren’t appropriate to say.

Robert had literally almost killed Alec as a kid. He knew using “to almost kill someone” as an expression could make Alec feel uncomfortable; understandably so. He was glad he had stopped himself from saying that. The last thing he needed was Alec uncomfortable because of something he had said.

“He, uh, almost forbade me from getting my hands on any bath bomb for the rest of my life, when he found me with, like, all the bath bomb all over me, because if you take the plastic off, then nothing is holding the bomb together, so it just- you know.” Magnus chuckled, remembering the look on his father’s face.

Alec nodded and smiled just a tiny bit again. He already recalled Magnus telling him that, but he loved listening to Magnus, so who was he to remind him he had already told him that story? He moved their linked hands to his face, wanting to feel the warmth of his boyfriend’s hands.

Magnus took the hint. He cupped his face, rubbing his cheek softly. He always felt good about Alec allowing him to do things like that because it was more proof of how much Alec trusted him.

“Did you have a bad day?”

Alec gave a short nod as he leaned in.

“Yeah, me too.” Magnus muttered. “I’m so tired. If I could, I would fire almost everyone, because it’s seriously outraging, the amount of people who are supposed to know how to do their work, but don’t fucking know how to.” He sighed tiredly.

“I’m s-sorry about that.” Alec whispered.

“No need to apologize if it’s not your fault,” Magnus reminded him. “Did something happen today or was it just a low?” Lows were frequent, so it was expected that they would happen very often. Alec was diagnosed with depression, OCD and PTSD which meant that he was in a low mood most of the time. Medication only worked so fast.

Magnus let his hand fall from Alec’s cheek to touch the water. It was purple-ish. It also smelled like lavender. He would buy some more of these. Purple was also his favorite color, so that was another reason to buy ten more of these.

“Low.” Alec mumbled, trailing with his index finger an invisible twirl in the water. “You?”

“More of the same. Basically what I said before. People who should know how to do their damn job, you know?” Magnus ran a hand through his hair. He would never do that in a normal situation, because his hair was always too pretty to simply run his hand through it like that. He was back home and it was Alec, who would never judge him, so he didn’t care how he looked now.

Alec nodded. He felt bad. Magnus had had a bad day and he had probably worsened it with his stupid mental breakdown. Looking at his boyfriend, he could see how tired he was. And he would have to make dinner now, because Alec had fucked it up and there was no way he would ever get close to the kitchen again; maybe Magnus wouldn’t allow him in the kitchen anymore and would yell at him, once they came out of the bathroom, for making such mess with the hamburgers.

“How the- Alec, it’s rice! How can you fucking burn rice?!” Caleb had yelled, “I don’t know anyone who’s burned rice in their entire lives. You’re seriously a big mess, Alec, nobody has ever fucking burned rice!”

Magnus noticed the way Alec’s eyes seemed to look lost again, fixed in on the water surrounding him. He looked tense once more; not that he had relaxed much, but still. Magnus gently took Alec’s hand in his, keeping it under the water. He started rubbing his thumb on the palm of his hand, silently trying to get him to come back from his zoning out.

Alec blinked repeatedly. His breath was short and fast. He needed a whole minute to process that he wasn't getting yelled at by Caleb but in a bath, with Magnus holding his hand. He nodded, silently telling Magnus he was there.

Would Magnus yell at him for having burned the hamburgers? He deserved the yelling. He had deserved Caleb and his father’s yells. That was not what his psychologist had told him to think, but he didn’t want to think of her now. She was not important right now. What was important was the fact that Magnus would get mad at him and he needed to avoid that.

Alec didn’t want Magnus to get mad at him. He squeezed his boyfriend’s hand before looking up at him for a split second. He didn’t seem to be angry, but maybe he was just hiding it until he got out of the bath and they went back to the kitchen.

“‘m sorry.” He whispered, clenching and unclasping the hand he had under the water. “I-I’m sorry, r-really s-sorry.” He took a deep breath in, feeling like he was lacking it in his lungs. “I-I j-just- w-wanted t-t-to, uhm, m-make d-dinner f-f-for you a-and-...”

The blue-eyed man took a quick breath in, his anxiety levels going back up again within seconds, “A-And I t-tried b-but I c-c-couldn’t, c-couldn’t a-and-and I-I-I’m s-so-sorry-...” His throat was getting tight and he was having a hard time breathing.

Magnus had let him talk, listening to whatever he wanted to apologize to him for. He noticed how it started to sound just like it had back in the kitchen, when he had raised his voice at Alec. He knew better than letting that happen yet again.

“I-I-I’ll m-m-make it u-up t-to you,” Alec breathed out, trying not to burst into tears once more. “I-I p-p-promise.”

“Alec, you don’t have to apologize for accidentally burning two hamburgers,” Magnus said softly, wishing he could take Alec into his arms and protect him from his past that had so stupidly fucked his boyfriend up like that. “And you certainly don’t have to make it up to me, honey, we’ve talked about this and there’s nothing you have to make up for.”

They had indeed talked about it. It wasn’t the first time Alec did something to make up for something he felt bad about, to Magnus, so it wasn’t a new thing between them.

Alec didn’t get it. He never did, because it made no sense that he didn’t have to make up for something he had fucked up. Was Magnus saying that now, so that he could have an excuse to be mad at him, later? That didn’t sound anything like Magnus, but who knew. Caleb had been the sweetest man before turning into the abusive boyfriend, months later.

It sounded stupid. It made absolutely no sense.

“B-But I-I- I f-fucked up a-and y-you-you d-don’t w-want a boy-boyfriend who-…” Alec cut himself off, drawing in shortened breaths. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks and it simply made more start forming in his blue eyes.

“Who can’t cook because he has never been taught how to?” Magnus whispered, resisting the urge to reach out to Alec physically, because he knew it could trigger him. “Who accidentally burned two hamburgers? Who’s recovering from years of abuse, so he has terrible days sometimes?”

Alec frowned, rubbing his eyes in a poor attempt to stop crying.

“A-A b-boyfriend w-who’s a m-m-mess a-and-and good f-for nothing.” He finished, keeping his voice so low it was barely heard.

“You think I don’t want you because you’re a mess, Alexander?” Magnus took the small sob escaping from Alec’s mouth as a way to know his boyfriend wouldn’t talk now. “Maybe I didn’t want a partner who’s a mess, but Alec, mess or not, I want you for who you are. I don’t care that you’re a mess, I love you anyway and I know you might not agree with me, but I’m so proud of you, how far you’ve made it and how you’ve become such a beautiful person.”

“You’re saying you’re a mess and that might be true. I think of myself as a mess too, now do you not love me anymore, because of that?”

Alec shook his head as he wiped his tear-stained cheeks. Magnus wasn’t a mess. He didn’t start crying because of yells, or someone being angry at him. He didn’t hide inside the bathroom or the closet because he was terrified.

Magnus didn’t need constant reassurance that they were fine. He didn’t wake up constantly at night because of the nightmares that haunted him or burst into tears every time he felt like something was not right, somewhere, somehow.

Alec did do that, though; he was the mess. He had even started crying once, while having sex with Magnus and that had turned out to be one of his own most awkward moments with Magnus; his boyfriend had, of course, told him that it was all right, but still, Alec hadn’t been so embarrassed in so long.

“I-I don’t want to, now, Caleb-…” Alec had whispered, feeling his boyfriend’s hands move down his boxers, pulling them down.

“Come on, Alec, don’t be a bitch…” Caleb had replied as he caressed Alec’s marked thigh, up to his stomach, “You’ll enjoy it.”

Alec had turned around, rolling on his back on the bed. He had moved away from Caleb, but his boyfriend had pulled him back in; this time, his touch hadn’t been as gentle as before. It had been more aggressive and possessive.

“I said, don’t be a fucking bitch,” Caleb had pinned Alec’s arms, ignoring his boyfriend’s chest, rising and falling quickly. “It’ll only be a couple minutes, why are you whining so much about it? It’s sex, Alec, how can you not want it?”

“Caleb, I-I’m serious, m-maybe later.”

“Caleb, I-I’m serious, m-maybe later,” Caleb had mocked him, slapping his cheek before gripping his jaw tightly in order to be able to stare straight into his eyes. “Again, stop whining about it and enjoy.”

“Alec, you’ll tell Olivia about this, hm?” Magnus said, when he noticed Alec had gone silent again. He knew Alec was always telling his psychologist about everything, so saying that was a bit useless. He had said it to get Alec’s attention back to the present.

The blue-eyed man nodded, more automatically than anything. He felt cold, despite the hot water surrounding him. He looked around. He noticed how he was still silently crying when the soft sound of tears falling into the water suddenly arrived to his ears.

Alec uselessly rubbed his eyes a little, as if that would help him stop crying. He was having a hard time staying in the present, with all these memories coming back to him. He felt his forearms itching the way they always did when he felt the urge to self-harm.

He closed his eyes, ‘one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, one, two, three, four, five…’

An eleven-year-old Alec had been silently cleaning the living room because it had broken shards of bottles his father had drunk and afterwards smashed on the floor. Robert had passed out on the sofa.

Alec had gotten anxious at the sight of the filthy living room, wondering how his father could be so dirty and careless. He had started cleaning, well aware that if Robert woke up and saw him there, he would give him a beating.

Robert had indeed woken up, so drunk he had barely even seen his son. Not even when Alec walked past him, which happened to be the exact moment all the alcohol he had ingested came back outside.

Robert had thrown up on Alec, not just once, but multiple times.

Alec had burned those clothes after one of the worst panic attacks he had had so far. Robert hadn’t beaten him much that day, too hangover to wake up for longer than five minutes.

‘Eleven-… was it eleven? No, no, no, no, no, one, one, two, two, three, three, four, four, five, five, six, six, seven, seven…’

Alec was mentally not there and Magnus could see that. He was silently crying, slightly rocking back and forth in the water, probably clenching and unclasping his hands underneath the water.

“Maybe you should get out of the bath, Alexander,” Magnus suggested, watching the way Alec didn’t even seem to hear him. “We’ll have dinner and then go to sleep. We’ve both had terrible days.” Magnus wanted nothing more than to eat and go to sleep. He would shower, but he could do that tomorrow morning.

‘twelve, twelve, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen.’

Alec blinked repeatedly, no longer mentally counting. He didn’t have to anymore. It was right now. He sniffed, moving his hands up to his eyes. He wasn’t crying much. He noticed the blood on his hands, coming from small wounds the shape of his nails.

He was really cold.

Magnus repeated his suggestion when Alec moved, taking it that Alec was listening to him. His boyfriend didn’t verbally reply, simply giving him a nod. Magnus stood up and took Alec’s bathrobe off where it hang.

Alec saw his bathrobe being handed to him, not directly, though, because his gaze was fixed in on his hands and the slight blood slowly rolling down his wet hands. He didn’t feel the tears forming in his eyes anymore; he could only feel himself shiver.

“I’ll go get you your pajamas, some clean boxers and socks.” Magnus said, as Alec put the bathrobe on. He didn’t wait for a reply; he knew he wouldn’t get one.

Magnus came back less than two minutes later, to Alec wearing the bathrobe, sitting on the stool next to the cupboard he had put against the door earlier, but now was back to its usual place under the basin.

“I’ll brush your hair.” Magnus took the hairbrush from the cupboard. He was usually the one to use it, because Alec barely brushed his hair. He simply ran his hand through it, after showering, a couple times and that was it. It wasn’t as short as it had once been; Alec liked it like that.

Robert had never let him grow it much. He had constantly taken him to the hairdresser, so that it wouldn’t be slightly long; he had said it wasn’t Alec’s decision how he wanted to have his hair. He was his father and he got to make these kind of decisions.

Alec felt Magnus’ hands in his hair, gently brushing it. He was still trying to get used to feeling such soft touches, when it came to his hair. Robert had never had the chance to grip his hair tightly, forcing his head back or forward, because of his ‘no long hair’ policy, but Caleb had done such things; very often.

Caleb had taken ahold of Alec’s slightly long hair. He had forced his head back, making him look up at him. He had stared down at him with that smirk plastered on his face; the smirk Alec had begun to dread.

Magnus stepped a little bit closer. Alec gradually removed his bathrobe, after taking his trunks and putting his boxers on. Then the shirt, then the pants. He didn’t want to bend over and put the socks on, though. Not when Magnus was petting his hair like that.

He wasn’t brushing his hair anymore, he was simply stroking his black hair, massaging his scalp. Alec let out a soft sigh. He let his head fall forward, resting it on Magnus’ stomach. His leg was bouncing on the floor and the anxiety was still there.

That touch felt like heaven, though. He could never get enough of it.

Magnus put the hairbrush back to its place. He dragged the other stool in front of the one Alec was sitting on; it was a bit taller than Alec’s, so him, also being taller than his boyfriend, had to look down a little.

“Okay, come here,” he whispered, moving the stool as close to Alec’s as he could. The blue-eyed man chose to trust Magnus yet again and hope it wasn’t the wrong thing to do. He leaned in, enough to carefully place his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

It wasn’t too comfortable, but he didn’t want to fully lean in, because if he did so, he would be more vulnerable, easier to hurt.

Magnus moved slowly and in a careful manner, not wanting to startle Alec in any way. He brought his hands back up to his boyfriend’s hair; he did not miss the way Alec seemed to stop breathing the second he started massaging and stroking his hair.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Magnus reminded him, tilting his head in order to kiss Alec’s forehead. “It’s all right. I’d like you to relax and just allow yourself to feel whatever you want, okay?”

Alec nodded. His eyes were threatening to close the more Magnus touched his hair. He could fall asleep right then and there. He always felt so sleepy whenever he and Magnus were together. He hadn’t known why, until his psychologist had told him it was probably because his inner child felt safe with Magnus.

He let out another deep sigh, not noticing the way his head was not just carefully placed on his boyfriend’s shoulder, but properly lying on it. He trusted Magnus. He hadn’t done anything to prove otherwise and they had been together for almost two years now.

He loved this man with his everything.

Alec slowly wrapped his arms around Magnus’ torso. He hoped his boyfriend wouldn’t push him away; Magnus obviously didn’t. He simply kissed the top of his head as he gently pressed his fingers on Alec’s scalp, massaging it.

He wanted to thank Magnus. He was always thanking him for everything he did, but Magnus didn’t seem to mind it. He found himself unable to talk right now. The silence they were submerged in was so comfortable, he didn’t want to ruin it by talking. He also couldn’t talk because he sometimes couldn’t, after having panic attacks or anything like that.

Alec kissed his shoulder. He moved his head closer to Magnus’ neck, burying it there. He felt safe. This felt like home. This was the feeling he had been searching for his entire life. This was what love felt like.

Love wasn’t supposed to hurt, it wasn’t supposed to make you want to hurt yourself or cry yourself to sleep because they don’t want to see you cry. It wasn’t supposed to make you so scared you couldn’t even hear their name. It wasn’t supposed to give you nightmares for the rest of your life.

It wasn’t supposed to make Alec feel like he would never deserve to be loved properly.

Love was supposed to make you smile. It was supposed to give you comfort, to make you happy. It was supposed to have its ups and downs, but never hurt so much you couldn’t stop crying. It was supposed to be unconditional.

Love was the way Magnus looked at Alec; how Alec missed Magnus whenever he wasn’t around; love was Magnus coming back home and hugging Alec, because his boyfriend needed some comfort after therapy, or Alec making the effort to actually come out of their apartment, to give Magnus a picnic after rough days at work.

Love was what Alec felt every single time he looked at Magnus, or simply heard his name.

He felt tears running down his cheeks at the realization; it wasn’t the first time he thought of how much he loved Magnus, but it always made him emotional. He thought of the way Magnus had just helped him through his flashbacks, how he had taken care of him.

How he had cleaned his feet, because he knew he couldn’t shower without doing that first. Or how he had turned around, so that Alec had the privacy he needed right now, to change. How he had stayed with him.

Alec let out a shaky breath. The voices in his head coming back from the past were no longer so loud. He sniffed, more tears forming in his eyes. It was okay to cry with Magnus; his boyfriend had never judged him.

Magnus was slowly running his hands through Alec’s hair. He slid one hand down Alec’s back, moving it up and down gently. He let his head fall on the side, on top of Alec’s. He could feel his shirt slightly wet where Alec’s hair was resting on, but also where his tears were falling. He was glad Alec felt comfortable enough to cry in front of him.

This went on for some time, Alec fighting exhaustion dragging him to sleep, while Magnus occasionally kissed his head as he stroked his hair. Magnus eventually pulled off the hug, moving his hands down to cup his boyfriend’s cheeks.

He saw Alec’s red eyes and his tear-filled eyes. He wiped the stray tears off Alec’s cheeks, smiling a little at him. Magnus pressed a soft kiss on his forehead, then another one on the tip of his nose.

“Shall we go have dinner, now?”

Magnus followed Alec back to the living room. He saw Alec not even looking at the kitchen, immediately walking to the sofa, before Magnus stopped him. The cat-eyed man took Alec’s hand in his and brought him to the kitchen with him.

Alec felt his stomach clench. He was surely getting a scolding now.

“All right, I think we had some more hamburgers in the fridge, because I bought more for some stupid reason…” Magnus mumbled, opening the fridge. “Aha!”

Alec was standing there, watching him get the hamburgers and some more ingredients out of the fridge. Was Magnus ignoring him? He should just go back to the sofa and wait for him to be done with dinner.

“Okay, here.” Magnus handed him some frozen French fries. “Now, you take the big pan and this…” He opened a cupboard and got the oil out. He waited until Alec found the pan and put it on the stove. “And now you put the oil in the pan, like this…”

Magnus did as he said, showing Alec the right amount to put in the pan. He did a couple more things, telling Alec what he was doing before stepping aside and letting Alec come closer.

“Put the fries once the oil is boiling a little, I’ll tell you.” Magnus took the hamburgers and a smaller pan. “The hamburgers are really easy and fast, I’ll show you.”

They made dinner together. Magnus talked him through it all, telling him what to do and what not to do. Alec slowly started feeling a bit better. At some point, he was smiling a little, as he put the hamburgers on the bread.

“You did that yourself, Alexander.” Magnus said, watching him also put the French fries on a plate. “You’ll be able to do this by yourself, from now on. I can teach you something else tomorrow; would you like me to?”

Alec nodded, “Yeah.”

“Okay, then.” Magnus pulled him closer to give him a kiss on his temple. “Dinner and bed, because you look like you’re gonna fall asleep any time now.”

“So do you.” Alec muttered, taking the two plates and bringing them to the table. They sat on the table after Magnus put on some relaxing music they both liked listening to. This was what was usually playing in their apartment. It was just like silence to them, soft music playing in the background.

Dinner was silent, broken by Magnus’ voice every now and then, as he told Alec about his day. This was one of their daily rituals; Magnus came back home from work and told Alec about it, while Alec painted, or let Magnus paint his nails, brush his hair, anything he wanted.

“You’ve cleaned today, I see.” Magnus said, having already noticed the place was spotless. “Because you wanted to, or because you got anxious?”

Alec played with the French fry on his hand, dragging the mayonnaise with it around the plate a bit. His cheeks reddened. He had gotten really anxious and had started compulsively cleaning, trying to get the intrusive thoughts off his mind.

“I-I got anxious.” He munched on the fry. He took the hamburger, almost finished with it by now, taking a couple bites of it.

Magnus didn’t say anything. He had already supposed that would be the answer, so he wasn’t surprised. He patted Alec’s thigh as a way to non-verbally reply.

After dinner, they put the plates and everything in the dishwasher. They went straight to bed. Alec sat on the edge of the bed, with a new pill on his hand. Magnus came out of the bathroom, now wearing his pajamas as well.

“Is that the new one the psychiatrist recommended?” Magnus asked, as he watched Alec swallow the pill without water. Magnus couldn’t do that, he wasn’t used to taking pills without a glass of water, but, as sad as it could sound, Alec was so used to taking pills he didn’t have any trouble swallowing them.

Alec nodded. He hoped this pill would actually work. The last ones hadn’t. He could barely sleep at night because of all the nightmares and the pills were supposed to help him sleep more. The last two he had tried had failed at that.

One of them hadn’t even worked, he had slept the same. The other one had been worse, because it had made him dream even more; turns out it had something in it that didn’t work on the people taking the medication Alec was taking for his OCD. He had changed his psychiatrist after that, not wanting there to be any other mishap.

This pill was the first one this new psychiatrist had told him to take. Hopefully, it would work, because if he kept on getting the same amount of sleep he had been getting for the past years, he would soon stop functioning.

Alec lay down on the bed after taking his socks off. The light switched off, Magnus came to bed and turned a smaller light on his nightstand on. Alec couldn’t sleep in complete darkness and Magnus didn’t mind having that light on, because it didn’t even light the room much and it worked with batteries.

The blue-eyed man moved closer to Magnus when his boyfriend finally lay down on the bed. He wanted more warmth and Magnus was like a living heater. He stayed a bit away from him, though, because he didn’t want to come off as clingy.

“Why are you so close?” Caleb mumbled, half asleep, when he felt Alec move on the bed. “Get away from me; don’t be so needy, Alec.”

Magnus saw the spark of doubt in Alec’s eyes and knew what was going on in his boyfriend’s head. He reached out for Alec, never moving fast so that Alec would see his every move, and when the blue-eyed man didn’t seem to react, he pulled him closer.

“You know I love cuddling, too.” Magnus whispered, keeping his hand on Alec’s side. “Is this okay tonight, or no cuddling?” There were some days and nights when Alec couldn’t be touched, he simply couldn’t with physical contact, so Magnus always made sure to ask.

Alec nodded as he looked up at Magnus. He could barely see him, because of the vague light in the room. He could feel his eyelids slowly closing of their own accord. The psychiatrist had indeed warned him that the pill worked incredibly fast.

Alec felt Magnus’ soft lips pressing a kiss on his forehead and heard him mutter something, probably good night, but he didn’t properly hear it because he finally closed his eyes and got the sleep without haunted nightmares he so needed.

It would all be okay if he kept on going, day by day, slowly recovering. He would be okay one day.