The problem with panromantic,biromantic, attraction as a homosexual

Sometimes sexuality can be confusing, because of how complex it is. Which is why it can be hard to really just know right away for some people. That's why some people say they are still questioning, or just decide to not label themselves at all. Except still it feels good to know exactly what you like and why you like it. For example "Oh yay! im bi that's why I like both boys and girls." Looking up terms and sexualities online can be helpful sometimes Sadly it isn't always that simple. After-all a great deal of the definitions you may find online aren’t accurate . And those sexuality quizzes aren’t good for anyone. Seeing that they aren’t specific to all sexualities and genders, mostly sexuality is something you have to figure out on your own.

Using myself as an example I'll be explaining why it wasn’t easy for me. When I was younger I didn't know what being straight meant, or being gay meant, so I definitely didn't know that you could like boys and girls. Especially since I was so young, I wasn’t attracted to either one, as I wasn't yet sexually developed. Yet Needless to say when homophobic family members encouraged me to fake marry my male cousin at the young age of six years old, I didn't understand, nor did I question. I thought somehow that's the way it was supposed to be. So a few months after ,I would lie saying I had a boyfriend in kindergarten hoping that made me normal ,and would give me positive attention. They for the most part treated me like i was normal but to me their attention was more so negative than positive. Mainly it was negative because of the unwanted attention that was given to homosexuals by my homophobic family members. They would say things like " fag" and "you're going to hell". It rooted fear in me, not because I feared going to hell, but rather because of the abandonment that came with that.

Reaching up into my preteen years I had plenty of boy crushes. Along with numerous girl crushes I ignored, putting them off as friend crushes and nothing more.It was easy for me to ignore my feelings . Especially since I was taught from a young age that my "feelings are fleeting" and therefore aren't important. Eventually those feelings began to build up. So not long after I came to the conclusion that was bisexual. And of course I kept this conclusion to myself, only sharing with people I knew weren’t biphobic. I didn’t want to be bisexual though,( the term did not fit me at all) but I felt that at least now I had a reason for why I liked girls and also had boy crushes. Then in sophomore year of highschool I started dating this guy I wasn’t attracted to. He had a crush on me, and I admired that he admired me. However after we dated for a few months he asked if we could take our relationship to the next level. I made up every excuse I could think of in order to not have a sexual relationship with him. The thought alone made me extremely uncomfortable, and I was surprised he even asked . I’m like ,”bro, we gotta good thing going right?”( called him bro, and bruh a lot).It reminded me of the same feeling I got when in middle school people kept drawing pictures of penises. I thought to myself why wouldn't they draw any vaginas? ''What's so important about a penis anyway?" That feeling of discomfort, anger, and confusion. It's upsetting that I knew what a dick looked like( and had how it functioned) before I knew what a vagina looked like( or how it functions), and I literally have one!

Finally I broke up with him, but I never told him how I actually felt. What I actually felt made me question my sexuality.And I just wanted to already know my sexuality, and immediately strongly identify, like other people. I began to wonder if I was really bisexual, or was I just afraid to be who I really was. And if who I really was is a girl who only likes girls, why did I have boy crushes. On the other end; if I was bisexual, why is it with boys I seemed to be asexual, but with girls I wasn’t . It wouldn't make sense to be asexual towards only one gender right? So if I did what any teenager would do. I looked it up online. Of course when I typed my question in google search the results didn't show a proper answer. So I had to do some digging and I found a term called Biromantic lesbian. It made perfect sense. This then introduced that you can have an romantic attraction ( crushes) to both genders but not actually like, fall in love, or want to have sex with a certain gender. Which makes sense to me. Finding this term, and realizing I identified fully, made me feel really happy and at peace that I wasn't the only one. “ Finally something that actually suits me,” I said. Besides, let's all be honest, the flag is sexier than Kristen Stewart in nothing but a slightly opened tux and skinny jeans. Wait, that’s a lie, I would choose looking at Kristen Stewart over looking at a biromantic lesbian flag any day. But you get my point, the flag is pretty rad.( I bet you liked that image in your head though right?)

Moving on; I read more on the term, seeing posts and tweets, from some rightfully ticked off lesbians. Then I realized. This term can completely invalidates lesbians and bisexuals all together.This says , to some, that lesbians aren't actually lesbians and that really all of them just like guys anyways. It also can suggest that a trans, or intersex woman can't be a lesbian if they have a penis. These theories just aren't true. Lesbians love woman, period. You can be an ace lesbian, a nonbinary lesbian,or a trans lesbian, but not a bisexual lesbian. The last thing I want to do is hurt or neglect another community and then slander its name. Which is the reason why thinking that I couldn't possibly be attracted to a man because I'm not attracted to their penises is so toxic, because that's saying that in order to be a man you have to have one, so in order to be a woman you can not have one. When the truth is gender is way more complex than that.

Now with that said, I know who I am, and where I fit in the community. I understand that it seems that some new terms kinda cancel out the other, but these rumors, and stereotypes; shouldn’t be coming from the inside of the community. We are a big group of people.And who are supposed to care for one another, that’s what a community is. And our community is brought together by the fact that we are a group of people who all have a sexuality other that straight, and a gender other than cis male or cis female. We are the main ones who should know that a person can be a transgender lesbian, that a person can be demisexual, asexual,etc; and the difference between them all( including the similarities ). And if someone outside the LGBTQ+ says shit like; “ oh well they’re basically just straight masking”, or “ha! I knew that lesbians secretly like guys all along”. I’m truly sorry that they have incorrectly labeled your sexuality, they are the ignorant ones. Who don’t realize that not everyone that’s a lesbian is a biromantic lesbian. I’m done with throwing myself into the shadows in order to prevent discomfort, mistrust , or disapproval from others. Like I said earlier I would never want to harm our community, and I never did. Especially not by saying I’m a biromantic lesbian. It’s called LGBTQ+ for a reason, what do you think the plus is for? And for the last time I am not a “bisexual lesbian” I am a biromantic lesbian, there is a difference. Thank you