The Man in Red Shoes

Yes, I have no shame. Whenever I'm not busy writing, I am on Grindr. The dating app has given me more than dates, hookups, and sex, it has given me stories to write, and today is no different.

As soon as my phone sounds a notification, I stop whatever I am doing because it means another guy, another story.

The man on the other end is a young man who happens to be a writer too. As we talked about writing, I asked him to tell me a story I hadn't heard yet.

And he goes;

 I am sure you would haven't guessed that I do drag.

And he was right. I wouldn't have known if he hadn't told me. The photos he sent me didn't give me a clue - he is gym fit, and nothing would have made me think that he does drag.

Reading his other messages brought me back to a memory that I had long forgotten.

Twenty years ago, I dated a man in women's clothes.

I was 32 when I came out.

Yes, there was a man in my 20s who I fell in love with. We were both very young, unsure of what we were feeling for each other. But after him, no one came until I met the man who, to this day, remains the man I love.

"Even that didn't end well. A few months after he left, I started dating. "

I was introduced to a man, a young American ex-pat living in the same city as I was.

He asked for a date, and I said,

Yes.

We enjoyed each other's company from the afternoon coffee date, followed by dinner and a night together in his home.

"He was very generous when it came to sex. "

Up until that night, I hadn't experienced any of the things we did together. It was all new, and he was gentle.

It was my first, he was my first.

I knew this is the guy for me.

Everything I dreamed of -Someone I can talk to, someone who helps me discover what I want in bed, and also someone who loves coffee.

"The perfect guy. "

Until he went to the bathroom, and I was putting my clothes on when I noticed the red shoes,

a woman's red shoes.

It bothered me. When he came out, I jokingly said to him,

So, you swing both ways?

He said,

No, those are mine.

He opened his closet, and there were women's clothes.

Silence

He walked me out until I could get a ride back home. I didn't say a word, neither did he.

"We both knew it was goodbye. "

I never saw him again.

20 years after

Now I wonder where he is, the guy who was my first, who I thought was the one for me, but I judged him poorly because I was too prude.

I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't too narrow-minded then, but I have to be kind to my younger self. Back then, I was confused and still navigating what I wanted from a man.

I just wished the guy had learned to forgive me for being such a "prick," and the only thing I can do now is,

Ask the Universe to deliver my heartfelt apology to the man in red shoes, and may he had the best 20 years after he met me.

In the last ten years, I have changed. My perspective about gay life has become not only accepting but more open.

As to the new guy who does drag, I don't know what will happen to us, he asked for a date, and I said,

Yes.