Telling My Mother

Coming out as a trans-man was the scariest, hardest, and freeing thing I could do. I haven't come out to everyone in my life. But I came out to the people who matter the most to me. My Mother, some of my friends, and my younger brother. Who isn't all that supportive of me but, that's for another story. Once I get the idea of how to properly put it down in words. As the whole tale is complicated. Mostly thanks to the story between the both of us and how we relate to each other.

Again, for another time.

Right now this is about my Mom. Who has been one of my biggest supporters throughout this whole thing. Never making me feel terrible or less than at all. I came out to my Mom five years ago when she was taking me home from work. It was so difficult because I was not sure how she would react. In fact, I was so scared that I almost considered not coming out ever. Staying firmly in the closet for the rest of my life.

Not like that's the worst thing ever but, I wanted her to know this about me. To know that I trust her with something this important to me. I needed her to know this important part of my life. As I can trust her with a lot of things about myself.

For weeks, I debated on what I was going to tell her. What exact words that I needed to say. As it wasn't easy. A few times I almost told her about me. How the words got choked in my throat each time. It hurt to try to get them out the first five times that I spoke to her. Each time, I chickened out because I was utterly afraid. Since a former childhood friend hadn't had a good experience, themselves coming out. This friend kept getting told that he couldn't be trans. That he was too young to know that he was trans. Somehow that he'll change his mind about the whole thing.

All the usual intolerant bullshit you'd expect from a bigot.

But I was so sure that Mom would be fine with my transitioning. Seeing that Mom is also a part of the community too. Was and is super-supportive of other members of the community. Not perfectly but, good enough. So, during a time that Mom was taking me home from work. I decided to carefully broach the subject. Telling her about things that trans-men wear, chest binders, and how they work. How much they would cost to buy too. And Mom suggested that I just get ace bandages for something like that. When I told her about them not being good for you or your ribs, she said not if I don't wear them for a long time. That I just did not need to wear them that long. As a chest binder was seemingly way too expensive.

I just flat out told her. Told her that I am a trans-man.

Nearly choked on the words more than once but I felt great after I said it. My face flushed and I was crying. She did a double take, that's funny to think of now. Was not as funny then. Mostly because I was afraid that meant she was disgusted with me. Instead, she actually told me that she loves me. Told me that she'll always love me. Then asked if she could still call me her 'Sweetheart' and give me kisses and hugs. If I was alright with her still giving me physical affection as well as words of affection. Of course, I was okay with her doing all of that. There wouldn't be a time that I wouldn't be okay with that. I was just so relieved that she still loves me. And that hopefully will never change.