No, she’s not my mother!

It’s inevitable. I’ll go through my notes after a doctors appointment and someone will have written, “mom/mother said.” My wife is not my mother, seems like a strange thing to say to your doctor’s office, but it’s become something of the norm for my partner and I. I’m autistic and deal with intense bouts of social anxiety, especially with strangers. I have a long list of comorbities and other illnesses and see a varied medical team in a regular basis. However with every office and new nurse or doctor I see, I’m met with the same assumptions. My wife must be my mother and therefore is my parent and caretaker. Some might just laugh this off and think it’s funny, but when it happens to you all the time… it gets old very quick. We always introduce ourselves as spouses to anyone on my medical teams, and yet it still continues to happen.

It’s first of all, incredibly heteronormative to assume that two women must be related above all else. Aside from the doctors office, people in public will often ask if we are sisters. I use a wheelchair and there have been times people have told my wife she was a good sister for “taking care of me.” My wife will quickly correct folks and it’s often awkward watching them backtrack. It’s also weird to assume someone deserves a medal for assisting a disabled person, as if I’m some sort of chore or difficult task. My wife never expects to be rewarded for simply helping me navigate an ableist society. Yet, there we are, regularly seen as a mere caretaker and their charge, sisters or even more strange and awkward, mother and daughter. Though we both have brightly colored hair and often wear glasses, we also look absolutely nothing alike. It’s so strange to me that people can see us, holding hands and giggling together and not process that we could be madly in love, that we MUST be related. Those who are homophobic have declared that being gay is thrown in their faces, but I’m always assumed to be heterosexual even when rather obviously in a committed relationship to a woman.

It’s also ableist to assume a disabled person cannot have a lover. I am diagnosed autistic level two, but nowhere in that diagnosis has it even said Im incapable of love or being loved. Maybe my relationship may seem unconventional, but it’s no different than any stereotyped relationship either. We do mundane things like dishes and cook dinner together and bicker a bit over whether the trash is full or not. Because I flap my hands or have difficulty socializing with strangers, I can’t have a romantic relationship? It’s interesting to me that non-autistic / neurotypical folks will eat up shows like Love on the Spectrum and yet gawk and stare at my partner and I like we’re circus freaks. Is that all we are? Something to be observed? Oh look at this poor sweet mentally disabled person getting pittied by the other person and now they’re in a relationship! As if autistic people cannot have lasting relationships, we are only worthy of pity or to be some weird inspiration porn to make people feel better about themselves.

Here’s a wild idea, how about we stop assuming we know things. Verify notes, pay attention when people speak to you. Don’t assume someone’s sexuality, gender, ability, background, etc. A simple comment could hurt even more than you think. If it’s appropriate, ask for clarification. It’s always better to be knowledgeable than ignorant, especially when the facts are readily available to you.