My Transgender Son Has No ‘Dead Name’

A dead name is a term that some within the transgender community use when referring to their birth name. As a parent of a transgender young adult, I’ve never been a fan of this term. It feels laced with morbidity, despair, and foreboding.

I like to think of my son’s birth name as a fuzzy, little caterpillar. One day this creature realized his title didn’t match who he felt he truly was. So he asked Mother Nature if he could be called something else — something more fitting, something that better represented who he was. She agreed and asked if he’d like to be called a butterfly. This simple change in name gave the former-caterpillar the confidence he needed to become the most magnificent butterfly he was meant to be.

Note: My son's birth name and old pronouns are shared throughout this article with his permission. They are only used here in the hopes my story will help other parents understand that it is okay to have similar feelings as they process their child's transition and learn how best to support their transgender or nonbinary child.

When my child came out as transgender, he wanted to shed his female name, Zoey, as well as the female pronouns. They were like ill-fitting old clothes on him. Some parents struggle with leaving behind both of these distinctions because they feel they are such inherent traits specifically tied to their kids.

Many times children are named after one of their parents, grandparents, or a favorite aunt or uncle. I know a teenager who was named after a Native American saint. When they wanted a more gender-neutral name it was devastating for their parents because Mom and Dad had put so much thought into the birth name they bestowed on their child.

When my son, Zair, first told me he wanted to be called something else, I’ll admit it stung a little. My husband and I had fun choosing our child’s birth name together. We had big dreams for our little Zoey. My short-lived sadness resolved quickly however once I looked at it from my son’s perspective.

He started out having the world relate to him as a female. He grew from that experience and ultimately realized his gender did not equate with how the world viewed him. He was asking for my help. I certainly wouldn’t want to be referred to incorrectly. Why should I require him to be simply because the gift I gave him no longer fit him?

According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in 2018, “choosing one’s own name has positive effects on a trans person’s mental health.” The study showed that “having even one context in which a chosen name could be used was associated with a 29% decrease in suicidal thoughts.” — Centre for Suicide Prevention

We often give loved ones gifts to show how much we care for them. Birth names are no different. They are the first gifts parents give to their children. Gifts we put a lot of thought into because of how much we care for our kids. We want to bless them with an identity that is strong, kind, and joyful. The names we give our children aren’t actually their identity, but the lens in which we choose to see our child.

Gifts are great when they are given out of love. But gifts need to be appropriate as well. Once a gift no longer works for the individual it shouldn’t be deemed as rude or disrespectful when they no longer want it. Sentimentality should not dictate our kids’ happiness, nor our own.

I’ve heard many parents of transgender kids refer to birth names as dead names. I think that term is focusing on the wrong thing. Its grim connotations are unnecessary. I choose to think all the changes my son has embraced in order to be his most authentic self are tied to the necessary and beautiful evolution of his life.

When something is dead, it ceases to exist. It’s essentially gone forever. My son’s birth name is still a part of him even though he doesn’t use it anymore. The lessons he learned — about himself and others — while using that name are still relevant to how he acts now while using a different name. A person’s character is reflective of their entire existence, never specific to only a handful of moments.

Using the term dead name while referencing my son feels morbid to me. My child did not die. He is still here. He has always been here regardless of what name he uses to identify with.

I’m grateful that when I called him by the wrong name, Zair had the courage to tell me I was looking through the wrong lens. I’m glad my child found a more appropriate name that everyone can use to recognize him for who he truly is.

I suppose my discomfort with using dead name is my own hang-up — my own pet peeve. Refusing to use it and focusing on less negative terminology helps me cope with all the other negativity my son is confronted with on a regular basis. If using dead name helps you cope, then by all means keep using it. I’m going to steer clear though.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.