My coming out Journey

My journey to figure out who I am was a long one. It was long but, in some ways, easier than most coming out journeys. I never really felt different when I was young. I started to notice I was a little different. I was always the friend. It happened almost immediately when I met new people. Getting friend zoned so fast was the first clue. The second was that I was interested in both girls’ and boys’ bodies. It was necessarily sexual at that point.

My first sexual experience was right as I was going into High School. It was with a male friend that lived directly across the street. I can not say it was an enjoyable experience. In my mind at the time, we were just having fun and experimenting. Still no sexual feelings. It went bad when they tied me up. That was when it started to change. After that the last few times we did something, I was the penetrator. Looking back, I do not know if it was kids just having fun or if they were dominating and I just went along not knowing any better. I hesitate to say forced or abuse because I did go along with it. I wish I had not now as a grownup.

High School was hell in some ways and good in others. The good was that I met my best friend. I love her and always will. I also met another friend that I would not have made it through High School without. The bad is that I had really bad depression that I never got help for. I would go months being in a bad way. I also started cutting. My friends keep me sane and saved me. In High School I had my first experience with a girl. We did not have sex but did other things. Again, there was no sexual attraction. I was curious to do something with a girl

Then in college it was the same thing. The difference is I friend zoned myself. I was not interested in a relationship. Had never had one so why start in college. I went through 7 years of college happily single. I still had bouts of depression. I still did not get help for it.

Now I am in my 30’s and still have never had a relationship. At 33 I finally start my coming out journey. At first, I came out as gay. It just seemed like the easy thing because I had only been with a guy. As soon as I came out the depression stopped for a long time. That was a wake-up call. I was depressed because I was not living my authentic self.

The one thing I regret is not coming out earlier. One because of the depression and two because both my parents where dead when I came out. I told my sister then she told my aunt. They both were ok with it and said finally. The said my mom knew. That made me feel a little better. My best friend was perfectly fine with it. She said she was not surprised. She has had fun pointing out guys for me.

The problem was my former brother-in-law. He did not approve. He still lived with us at the time. He would make little comments. When he got drunk, he would really go off.

I went 2 years of being out before I decided gay was not right for me. I was thinking Bi was right. That lasted a year. Then I finally figured out who I really am. It may change but this label really fits me. That label is Asexual and Aromantic. It just feels right. Everything made sense once I found that label. The not being sexually attracted to anyone and not feeling romantic love for anyone ever. The liking girls and guys bodies when I was younger makes sense because asexual people look at bodies like art. I am happy with the Asexual and Aromantic label even though I know I have made it really hard to find someone. It will be a companionship. I finally know who I am at 37.

The problem is when the Pandemic started my sister took a job as a traveling nurse. They sent her to North Dakota. The former brother-in-law still lived with us. Without my sister there and me starting to be more vocal and wearing more pride clothing he got really verbally abusive. When she came home, she finally kicked him out for good. It is still a little strange at home when my sister is actually at home because she does not think you should show your pride.

I know it does not sound like I had an easy coming out journey but compared to most it really was. I was older which I think helped. Most of the people I told were ok with it. I had a best friend that was just incredible with me. I hope you have a good coming out and only do it if it is safe for you. Happy Pride month