Ichthys Out Of Water

It’s hard being a gay Christian.

It’s even harder to walk away from Lynn’s dimples and piercing blue eyes. I never stood a chance.

Lynn and I met at Good News Baptist Church in Grand Rapids, MI. At the time, I was trying my hardest, my absolute hardest to live the life I thought I was supposed to live.

Though I was entirely not attracted to him, I’d found a kind and reliable guy to get engaged to. We were mere months from our wedding when she walked through that church foyer.

I’ll never forget our first moments. She was so stunningly beautiful that I found it difficult to focus on conversation.

We became fast friends.

Within a year, we were lovers. Secret lovers.

We didn’t fit in with our church, our friends (most of whom were of the same religious background as we were) and we didn’t fit in with our families.

Worse yet, we didn’t even fit in with ourselves. The denial was of epic proportions.

I’d been with women before, so I was a tad more comfortable with the idea of being together.

Lynn had not, and was entirely in denial of what we were doing.

I knew time was on my side, so I did my best to be patient.

In that first year together, we’d sneak into each other’s beds at night (we shared a home with another girl from the church).

At the time, we had not made any exclusive commitment, so we still dated men. But mostly on double dates so that we could still be together. It also diverted people from knowing the truth that we were gay.

There were other things we had to do to keep fitting in.

Every Wednesday night at church, we were AWANA leaders (a sort of mid-week Sunday school for grade level children). Because we couldn’t be out at church, we’d create little ways to feel connected. We bought a chunky silver ring that one of us would wear during the day. When we’d see each other at AWANA we’d make it a game to pass the ring off to the other one without catching the attention of anyone else in the room.

Eventually, we moved into our own place. We fit easily into a relationship routine. We’d say we love each other, but we never discussed the details or commitment of our relationship.

We were so afraid of rejection; we didn’t even tell our friends at work about our love. We presented ourselves simply as close friends.

It took years, but eventually we came out to our friends, and became exclusive. As we prepared for our wedding, we were faced with the decision of whether or not to come out to our families.

I was absolutely confident that my family would not support our marriage. When I was younger, my cousin Christina married a man who had been divorced previously. Referencing some obscure scripture, my parents chose not to attend the wedding. They couldn’t show support for a “sinful relationship.”

Lynn was pretty sure her family wouldn’t receive it well either, so we went ahead with our wedding plans, and excluded every last family member.

Though it was our choice, it was painful none the less. It still is.

Even after our wedding, we stayed in the closet with our families. We lived together in a home we rented from Lynn’s parents. We staged a bedroom upstairs that was “her room,” though she lived fully in mine on the main floor.

Her mom found out one day when she was helping us move and discovered two wedding dresses hanging in the upstairs closet. It didn’t go well at first, but has improved over time.

Through the years, we’ve come out to all of our family and friends. We could no longer teach Sunday school or lead AWANA, so we found a church that loved us and accepted us as we are.

Our parents have come around. Both families show us love.

But there are still days where we feel like we don’t fit in. If we visit church with our families, we feel generally unwelcomed. Judged.

When we are walking down the street, or through a store, we don’t feel safe holding hands.

We’ve been harassed on occasion. A few years ago, someone drew a huge penis on my car with shave cream.

Hate is still all around us, and we long for a world where we feel free to be ourselves. But until then, we’ll keep loving each other, and loving others. Eventually we will create a world where we all fit in.