I've changed my mind

She was unexpected, wonderful and forbidden. I first saw her, my cheeks started to blush and the butterflies fluttered and tickled my stomach. The curve of her lips always forming a seductive smile and the incredible stare that she gave sending me weak at my knees. The hair rising on my body from the radiating electricity and the yearning to feel her touch. If only I could have her.

I try hard not to think about her. About her touch and taste, the way that she caresses my body. The feelings that she gives me, but she never goes away. Never leaves my mind. I'm always wondering what it would be like to be hers. To go through life together and watch how we would conquer every obstacle and cause way too much trouble. The team we would make and the kisses goodnight before we'd go to sleep. I can't help it. It doesn't matter how wrong it is or how much I would hurt everybody around me. I still feel it. I can feel her every second everywhere I go.

I can imagine my hair tied with a bow and the waves falling down past my shoulders. My long legs wrapped in high heels fit with a black dress hugging my figure. She's dressed to the nines and her confident eyes are deeply staring at me, showing me that she approves. Her arm around my waist, pulling me in to put my lips on hers. Her fantastic hand trailing up my dress until resting on my hip. I can feel her smiling whilst we share our kiss and my heart rate races to match hers. The feeling; complete stillness yet sparks of intoxicating power. She makes me gulp my breath and swallow the taste of her. When we pull away, she's still lingering on my lips, sending shivers down my spine and leaving me wanting more. I can imagine us walking into date night, hand in hand and flirting shamelessly under the table. I imagine us challenging each other, striving for the best and supporting when things get tough. I see us chasing waterfalls, climbing mountains and running through adventures, experiencing the entire world and putting our mark on every part of it. We'd be who we are and we wouldn't apologise for it. Our love, fueled with adrenaline and exciting questions showing everybody that we found it. We were lucky enough to find each other through this maze and we came out together. On top. Everytime.

But I don't have that. I don't have her. I don't have her smile, I don't have her heart. I don't have her by my side. Instead, I watch her by somebody else's, watching that girl have everything that I want. Living my dream and wearing the heels I'd imagined myself stepping in.

Each time she takes her breath away, mine goes away too and each time her hand is held, mine grows cold. Every look into her eyes sends tears to mine and each and every day we aren't together is a day wasted. Every time her lips kiss hers, I lick mine, wondering why I don't have it and wishing that I did.

Take me back. Rewind to when you were unhappy because you were alone. Reverse the love you formed that took me away from you. Change scenarios so we met first. I don't want to watch you be happy with somebody else. Switch places so you're mine instead. Pretend that it's just us and that we are the only people in the world that matter. Hop into a different reality where we worked out. Transfer me to a new planet where this doesn't happen because I'm not on the right one.

Take me back to the years when I played baseball and wrote my name in the sand. Remind me to not grow up and never fall in love. Bring me cuddlys and fill them in my bed. Hand me bratz dolls and let me create a different universe with my toys. Let my head get lost and make sure I forget what it's like to feel hurt. Take me back to dreamland and destory my dreams before the get too big. Pat my head in the dark and make sure my nightmares are made out of monsters and scary insects. Let my biggest problem be the graze on my knee and never let the scars enter my heart. Allow me to believe my friends will be friends for life and put out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. Take me back to when I was a kid so I don't have to see this. I don't want to see this.

Don't you understand?

It should be us.