How to Find a Truly Queer-affirming Church

As a queer woman living in the Midwest, I thought I had homophobic churches all figured out. And, indeed, I've had Christians treat me like a monster and quote Bible verses at me when I came out to them. However, in my search for a welcoming congregation, I didn't realize that many churches have become smarter than that.

Some denominations are starting to realize that they're scaring people away. As a result, they've pulled back from the blatant homophobia and transphobia and switched to subtle, manipulative tactics that will almost convince you that you've found a group of allies. They'll say that they love you, they're non-judgmental, they have gay friends, they oppose hatred in all forms--until it's time to actually be an ally, and then they're the first to attack your community.

Essentially, they hold two opposing thoughts at once. They'll preach that gay marriage is wrong, transitioning is an affront to God and queer people don't deserve to have families--and, yet, they'll also insist that their denomination is queer-friendly and everyone belongs at their church.

I wish I could say that I'm exaggerating, but I've been a victim of this exact behavior. The Latter-day Saints (LDS) are particularly crafty, but I've also heard this rhetoric from Baptists and Methodists in the area. I'm not saying this to target specific denominations, but to warn queer people to keep their guard up and watch out for fake allyship.

To help you out, I've compiled this list of manipulation tactics that Christians have used against me and explained what they really mean. I'll also tell you what question you need to ask to get the truth about your church's doctrine. Because, in the end: your church shouldn't feel like a gang of strict disciplinarians. Instead, it should be a welcoming family that shares its happiness with you instead of forcing you into a box.

The Question You Should Ask Your Church

To save you time, I'll tell you up front that there's no point in asking churches if they accept queer people. While some church leaders will lash out at the mere suggestion of tolerating your presence, others will start churning out platitudes to avoid answering your question. Sometimes, they're fairly convincing, and you start attending their church and getting attached to the members--only to find out later that they don't view you as a human being.

Instead of asking, "Can gay people attend your church?", ask them if they support same-sex marriage. Some people will still try to avoid answering (believe me, I could show you an essay-length email I received from a pastor trying to bullshit her way around it), but when you ask for a clear yes-or-no response, you'll find out whether they actually support your community.

The key is to ask them about specific scenarios, such as gay marriage or transgender rights, that require a clear, decisive response. "Are you okay with me attending your church?" is a vague question that leaves you open to deception. When they can't manipulate you anymore, you'll finally get the truth--and you can use that to make an informed decision.

Common Manipulation Tactics

These are the tactics that homophobic churches in my area have used against me. Some of them actually worked, leading to distress and confusion when I heard conflicting statements about the church's doctrine from different members.

If you're in this situation, I suggest asking church leadership about their doctrine--and get a real answer, not more flowery ramblings--or looking up the church's official position online. In the meantime, here's a rundown of sayings and phrases that often have double meanings.

"We had a gay member here before, and nobody had a problem with it."

This means nothing. Maybe the congregation didn't call them slurs or throw them out of the building, but that doesn't mean they actually supported this person's identity. It's also impossible to say that every member of the congregation was fine with this person's sexuality. Did they conduct a church-wide interview?

"Everyone is welcome here."

This also means nothing. Sure, you could theoretically attend a conservative church, but that doesn't mean that they'll love and accept you unconditionally. Instead, they'll want you to change--and put up with a lot of toxic rhetoric in the meantime.

"And hey--love is love, right?"

This is a direct quote from a conversation I had with a church secretary. Later, I found out that the pastor of this church opposes same-sex marriage (although, again, she went out of her way to avoid telling me this directly.) Cutesy platitudes are not allyship.

"Nobody here will judge you! We're non-judgmental!"

Not judging someone (and it's impossible to state with 100% certainty that nobody will judge you) isn't the same as supporting them or defending them when they're under attack. This is just a sly way of convincing you to join without affirming your identity.

"I'm not homophobic/transphobic."

And? Straight, cisgender people don't decide what's homophobic or transphobic.

"We meet you where you are, not where we want you to be."

I actually heard this one from a Christian (and homophobic) therapist. They'll deny it when you call them out on it, but they're implying that your identity is bad and needs to change.

"One of my family members/best friends is gay."

Maybe they still have a relationship with this person, but that doesn't make them an ally. Let's be honest: they'd love it if this person suddenly renounced their sexuality and announced that they're coming back to church.

"We're all sinners."

This statement implies that your gender or sexuality is sinful. Run and don't look back.

"We're all dealing with trials."

This is a slightly nicer version of the previous statement. Don't let it fool you: they're still implying that your gender or sexuality is a trial to overcome.

"I don't feel resolve about condoning same-sex marriage, but that doesn't have to stop us from forming a very special relationship!"

If they don't believe that you deserve the same legal rights and protections as heterosexual people (rights that they enjoy in their own marriage, most likely), they don't support you. They're trying to hide the truth behind cutesy language.

"You belong with us!"

Some Christians believe that it's their job to convert every person on the planet, no matter how much their church opposes their existence. For this reason, they'll insist, "You belong with us! We're your family! We love you!" even after preaching that you don't deserve basic rights. Arguing with them is pointless because they'll just keep denying their own doctrine. It sounds crazy, but I've been in this exact situation, and I learned that it's best to walk away.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, it comes down to this: if a church can't force you to agree with their bigotry, they'll settle for anger and confusion. They'll argue with you, debate you, lie to you, manipulate you, tell you half-truths, get angry, and pretend to be allies with a fake smile on their face--anything to keep you from walking away. I went through this with one church in particular, and it was one of the most difficult periods of my life.

But you deserve better than that. Walk away, block them, leave their Facebook group and do whatever you can to cut them off, then find a community that respects and appreciates your identity. I know from personal experience that it's hard, but staying in a toxic environment is much harder in the long run. Church doesn't have to be painful. In fact, when you find the right people, it can become one of the most positive, uplifting forces in your life.

Have you been in this situation? What advice would you have for queer people seeking a church? Sound off in the comments.