Body Parts

When I was thinking about "dumb laws" for this challenge, I thought immediately of sodomy laws. The following is a brief history and explanation of the law and then an absurd conversation that follows.

"Sodomy" as a legal term generally refers to anal intercourse. Dumb sodomy laws in America trace back to English common law and colonial statutes, which criminalized certain sexual acts (often defined broadly and vaguely, e.g., "crime against nature”) regardless of the genders of those involved, though enforcement and social attention focused overwhelmingly on same-sex conduct. By the mid-20th century, all 50 states criminalized sodomy in some form. Enforcement patterns increasingly targeted gay men, tied to broader social and legal persecution of LGBT people (police raids, entrapment operations, etc.). In Bowers v. Hardwick (1986) the U.S. Supreme Court upheld Georgia's sodomy law in a 5-4 decision, ruling there was no constitutional right to engage in private homosexual sodomy. In Lawrence v. Texas in 2003, the Supreme Court overturned Bowers in a 6-3 decision, striking down Texas's same-sex sodomy law and, by extension, all remaining sodomy laws nationwide. Lawrence remains binding precedent. However, a number of states never formally repealed their sodomy statutes from their books even though they're unenforceable — meaning the language technically remains, though courts cannot enforce it.

A conversation with my baffled friend:

"Do you ever snap your fingers? Bring it down.”

"Obviously," he said, "when I want my dog’s attention.”

"And what else are your fingers for?"

"This is ridiculous. I pick my nose, I flip people off, I poke my girlfriend to make her laugh. Simple.”

"And your foot then—what's a foot's true call?"

"Which one?"

"Doesn’t matter."

"Then let me demonstrate its second job: I'll plant it in your mouth, you idiot."

"We’ll return to the mouth, but isn't a foot just built to walk, to stand, to carry you across the land?"

"No, If I had no arms, I'd use my feet to pick shit up."

"Ah, I see. Multi-purpose to the extreme! Your mouth, then. Speak its purpose plain."

"Simple, dumb ass, to talk. To eat.”

"Two jobs? Explain—one hole, two functions, is that allowed?"

"Obviously.”

"Is it that obvious to you? Are you sure? Then I'll stop torturing you and ask a final question: what is your anus for?"

"What? This is absurd. What do you think? Stool comes out. That's it. That's the deal.”

"Something comes out, but could something also seal its way in? Is there a second use tucked in there too?"

"Nothing goes in. Ever. Full stop. Done."

"But every part we've named has more than one—fingers, feet, the mouth's double trick—so tell me, please, why is the anus so stiff? One task, one note, the only organ that refuses to vote for versatility. Strange, isn't it, that this one hole alone won't admit a second calling, when everything else, moonlights, multitasks, wears more than one belt?"

"I haven't the slightest clue what you're saying."

The dog barked. Somewhere, a man bends over. The argument, like certain doors, staying trapped.