Best Ways to Get Weed Out of Your System

by Ben Kharakh 2 years ago in how to

Urine control, aspirin, and increased fiber intake are just some of the ways you can get weed out of your system and pass a drug test!

Best Ways to Get Weed Out of Your System

You don't need to wake and bake to appreciate the best ways to get weed out of your system. Just being a casual user can put you in jeopardy of losing your job if your work place drug tests. Or maybe you live in one of the states that screens welfare recipients and you need to submit your pee to get your benefits. So, follow these steps to help the odds be in your favor while also avoiding common missteps.

No Weed

Euch, they drug test at work and now you have to somehow get weed out of your system. It's enough to make you want to smoke. No, don't; it's a trap! First thing you gotta do is wait out the THC. If we're talking urine, it can be 8 days for single use, up to 30 for regular, and as many as 77 for heavy. Blood and saliva may contain traces of THC for up to a week depending on the usage. THC stays in hair the longest; upwards of 90 days! Luckily, hair follicle tests are uncommon when it comes to weed. Next you gotta wait out the federal government's criminalization of marijuana. That's three years minimum because of Trump. Euch, Trump is enough to make you wanna smoke too. WHAT A COUNTRY!

Dilute Your Pee

There's a few ways to pass a drug test quick. Over the counter detoxes don't actually get weed out of your system; what they do is dilute your urine enough that you pass the test. Creatinine and a lot of water flush you out and add volume while B vitamins make your pee look yellow. You can buy creatinine and Vitamin B yourself, or you can buy an overpriced, pre-made detox at GNC, Vitamin Shoppe, etc. Don't worry about making up a story so the cashier doesn't judge you; they know why you're buying that detox. And if they do judge you then they're on the wrong side of history. Now you can judge them!

Buy Pee

It'd be great if you knew how to find a job that doesn't drug test. Until then, if you need to get weed out of your system, you can always just pay for a urine sample. Sure, you can get your urine off a person, but that won't guarantee that the pee is clean. Watch yourself. There are definitely pee scams and urine rackets, and you don't want to be pee-phished or cat-peed! So invest in some powdered pee. You buy it online and mix it at home. If you do that then you'll also need to buy an incognito belt to sneak the pee in. This is getting complicated, humiliating, expensive! Also, hold up, powdered pee?! Wow.

Steal Pee

You can buy the best detox drink to pass a drug test, or you can steal a urine sample! We learned this one from Gone Girl. Invite someone over, ply them with lemonade, and then have them use your bathroom. What they don't know is that you disconnected the flush valve so that when they try to flush nothing happens. Now steal theirs! You don't even have to get weed out of your system; just use the stolen urine to pass the test. Gone Girl is also great if you want to learn how to effectively use montage and voice over in your movie.

Excercise

THC is stored in your fat cells. So, if your drug test is in 24 hours, don't work out because you'll actually release more THC into your urine and blood stream rather than get weed out of your system. But if you drug test isn't for a while, start doing the cardio. Cardio is also a great way to work through the anger of being subjected to drug testing!

Middle, Afternoon Pee

The highest concentration of THC in your urine stream is going to be at the start, so only give them middle pee. It's all they deserve! And don't give them your first pee either; no way they earned that either! There's more THC in the urine you release after a long sleep vs later in the day. Make sure afternoon pee is all they're getting.

Poo-Poo & Pee-Pee

It's a myth that you can sweat THC out in a sauna. Most THC is actually excreted through our poo-poo and pee-pee. So a lot of water and fiber will help get weed out of your system. Whole foods and psyllium husk are your friends. Some people go as far as drinking fruit pectin, which is high enough in fiber that it's used to thicken jams, but that's taking it too far. You don't want to be constipated; you want to poo-poo!

Asprin

The cheapest and most common drug test is known as EMIT. Studies have shown that aspirin has the effect of producing false-negatives in EMITs. So, if you can't get weed out of your system take four aspirin four to six hours before your test and hopefully it'll throw off the test. Fingies crossed!

Avoid Lasix

Some people are so desperate to pass a drug test that they get their hands on some Lasix, which is a prescription diuretic. Now they're exposing themselves to a greater risk of side effects than if they just took Midol to pee more. Then there's the danger of taking Lasix and Aspirin at the same time; interfering with the body's ability to excrete Aspirin; and triggering Aspirin toxicity, which can cause hyperventilation, fever, hearing loss, etc. Not worth it! Just stick to making poo-poo and pee-pee regularly enough to get weed out of your system.

Edibles

Research that appeared in the Iranian Journal of Psychiatry found that smoking weed results in 50 to 60% THC in the bloodstream while edibles result in 10 to 20% THC. So, stop smoking and start eating! That way you can enjoy your THC and give yourself more wiggle room to get weed out of your system.

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Ben Kharakh

Manic pixie dream goth. With appearances in Fortune, Vice, Gothamist, and McSweeney's.@benkharakh

See all posts by Ben Kharakh