You Know You're Old When Sex Hurts When You Wake Up

God, we're all going to get there someday

But I'm afraid that someday is now

This is the time we wake up, and we have to pay

And today I felt like I was screwed, but I don't know how

The doors were secure

But something still got me in the end

I hope this comes with a cure

Because it obviously made me bend

I don't remember the feeling of its touch, or it being there

But I sure feel screwed

And it didn't leave even a stray hair

If it didn't ask, that's just dammed rude

Maybe I'm getting just too old

My party days long since over

Once upon a time I was bold

Now even asleep, I feel like an old man named Grover

I know it had been a while

But I couldn't have dialed 1-900-needadate

Even for a smile

I'm out of commission due to this dammed prostate

Why do I feel like I'm rode hard and put away wet

The last thing from yesterday I remember

Was taking the cat to the new Vet

Dammit, is it already December

You know you're old when you woke up sore from sex

Especially sex that you'd apparently forget

Hell, I don't even get turned on anymore by WWE's Big Time Becks

A date her hubby would surely make me regret

But alas, my asshole hurts like hell

And I'm sure it's going to linger

It feels like I answered Satan's dinner bell

And had a date with his demonic dinger

So the next time you wake up feeling naked and afraid

Get on your knees and pray for this one thing

That whoever snuck in and got you, not a recording was made

And that next time they buy you dinner, and maybe a promise ring

Remember every dalliance of your youth

But behave yourself, old man

Because trying to feel better with old nurse Ruth

Just isn't a good plan