Yellow

I knew my depression was getting bad again when I began to feel more blue than yellow,

When the pink began to fade from my cheeks,

When everything was grey and I began to feel weak.

I knew my depression was getting bad again when my lips turned white with hunger,

When my arms ran with red

And I couldn’t get out of bed.

I knew my depression was getting bad again when my body was purpled and bruised

From nights spent on my knees

Begging God to please

Let me die.

I don’t why

The colours faded to shades of grey.

I don’t know why

I push people away.

I don’t know why

I wake up every day

And curse the sun for shining too brightly,

Curse the moon for rising nightly,

Its blue light a reminder of how I make love to my depression every night

Like it is a ex-lover I just can’t seem to part from,

So I reach out my hand for him and he comes

And we rock with each other til I’m numb.

He teaches me only what I already knew as a child:

We love those we know.

And I know my depression well, so…

I knew my depression was getting bad again when I would run my fingers through my hair

And emerge with clumps in my fists.

The ends would break off and snap like twigs.

I dyed my hair bright blue

So no one would know what I do.

I didn’t want them to know that when your body is in survival mode,

It does not bother sending nutrients to your hair.

It does not care

About your beauty.

Your body is nothing but a soldier abandoning his duty

Because depression

Is a battle.

Depression

Is fighting to see colour in a black and white movie.

Depression

Is fighting to see the rainbow behind thick clouds.

Depression

Is a war that no matter who wins,

You will somehow lose.

Either a life or a friend.

But should you find the strength to part,

To let your lover fade into a memory as beautiful as art,

To choose your happiness over what you know,

You will find

Life is rather yellow

After all.