Wrestling with Heaven

On and off relationship

If anything, ours is what people call a situationship

I could lie to myself and say I am mad at you

Difficulty in separating my truth from what is true.

The manual you gave me is collecting dust on my nightstand

I try to open it up, but it feels heavy in the palm of my hands

I can't hear you anymore , the noise of the world is making sure that I can't

Or maybe you have given up on me, deafened to my chants

Living every day seems to cost me an arm and a leg of my sanity

Lips sealed in order to maintain the peace that's surrounding me

Heart's heavy, but I can't articulate what my brain is processing

Vocal cords want to vibrate at max at the act of me screaming at you

I don't even have the liver to do it ,even though I have reasons to

I don't know if I can stomach enough to dig up these roots

I dont know how to end this , but I'm not sure if it would accomplish anything

I don't know if I am Joseph walking a path, and all I have to do is endure it

Or if I am Job being tested because you bragged about me from heaven's seat

But you gave me dreams and vision, what am I to do with it ?

You created me, moulded me and decided you were done with me?

Decided I have to navigate the world and soak in the consequences?

Things go well, and You get all the glory that comes with it

Then it goes bad, and there is a divine plan , my eyes can't be fixed on it

I am just asking for a little clarity on the life I am living

A little light on the path to hold on to because this thread is thinning

I am trusting our relationship to be on again very soon

Until the sun comes back up, I may have to make do with the moon.

I have battles in me that I don't want anyone to see

Emotions I can't control that may one day take over me

Words that I should have said but withheld within me

A side of me I wish would permanently rest in peace

But that side doesn't want to go alone, he wants my company

The more I fight him , the more I feel my strength dwindling

The more I try to expose him, the deeper he digs to sow deceit

Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes I crash and skin my knee