Wondering Through Life

I often spend time

wondering

if I will ever go to Greece, It’s

on my list

of places I want to visit, of places I

think it would be amazing to

go to, the top of a long list of places I wonder if I’ll

ever make it to

I wonder if my ‘white’ side really keeps me

from understanding the injustices, keeps

me from feeling them or feeling

for those who feel it worse, wonder if keeping my mouth shut is the only way to feel at least

un-shunned, wonder if being neither means I’ll always be too white and too black

never enough for either, never enough to belong

I

wonder if

I’ll ever be relaxed around her again, like I never got the chance to with

Him

Too busy at his sisters wedding trying to make sure my tongue

still fit where it

should to be capable of more than a strangled ‘hello’

I wonder if I use I too much, if

my writing sometimes comes across

as self-absorbed, or conceited, I wonder sometimes

if anyone cares as much about it as I do, if anyone else knows

I’m just terrified to share characters that

say a whole lot more than “I”

I wonder if

I’ll wrinkle a lot or get gray or if my

other

genes will take care of that, if the passage of

time is written on my face, will I

be able to read it, or will it be lost to me like…

Wonder

if the jacket I wanted to wear to prom

would have made me happy, or if at the time there

wasn’t any way

to make me happy, if that time of my life was

doomed from the beginning to be a sprawling road of “ahhh” behind me, I

wonder if I’ll ever go back to Seattle,

since we were only banned by the church

as a youth group

because of the Seniors and I honestly haven’t seen any

of the rest of the banned in

years, I wonder if you’re obligated to avoid a place

once the troubles passed

I wonder if I will ever

open the coffee maker that lives in a box of other things in the garage, my moving out

things, things

I sometimes fear will never get the chance to see the outside of the box at all, I wonder if the

box will matter in 5 years

in 10?

I wonder if I will

ever be able to listen

to Ed Sheeran’s “Barcelona” without crying, or losing time

without the remembering and ‘bittersweet-fond’ feelings, I wonder if its just how

music works, dredging up all the held down memories

since turned

sour and a little rusty

I wonder

about the color of skin, of my skin

of words said in the past, of the ones

that made me start to wonder

to wonder if I really didn’t fit in or if maybe the ones with the words were wrong about me

about my half and half skin, about

my ability to understand

I

Wonder if the world will keep spinning

with the turmoil and messiness, with the fear and distastefulness

I wonder if we’ll keep going forward, if

we’ll make it work, if it can work

if the Hope is there does the action follow

I wonder what I can do, and when I can

do it

I wonder how the writing goes, for others

I wonder if they simply dump words on paper

if I’m the only one

who sometimes feels completely crazy

for writing with the world like it is, if anyone else

spends hours staring at a screen to decide

“ongoing” or “never-ending” to inevitably decide 3

days later they wouldn’t use

either

I wonder, am wondering, liking to explore

the possibilities and think

of what could have been, even if all of it is lies, fantasies in the end

I wonder if they made better

choices moving

forward, if I made better

choices moving forward, If I’m moving forward

I am wondering to make up for

the sleepless wandering nights, when I can’t just lay down and dream, the nights where everything

seems to sit wrong, my skins been put on backwards, my brain is upside down in my skull

I am wondering, I like to wonder if,

I really like

the Wonder because

maybe its all I’ll ever have

or maybe it’s driving me

to what I really need

***

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