Why am I so broken?

Why am I so broken? Why does my chest hurt and feel like there is a hole in it at the same time?

I think I need help. I go to speak but nothing comes out. My heart is now pounding so hard, I'm scared. Just talk... just fucking talk.. My face feels hot. I can't I get so frustrated I start crying.

I wish I could just tell you things, but you make it so hard to want to talk to you when you just get mad and don't listen. Somehow you turn everything around on me and make me feel worse than I already do. My depression has been so much worse just knowing you. When we first met you were so sensitive to my feelings and you were kind. You hugged me and held me when I cried and you made me feel loved and like I was in a safe space when I was with you. What happened? Why did that suddenly disapear?

My whole life I had to appear strong and unbreakable, but truly I am fucked up. I have been through so much and It changed my bubbly personality at an early age. All the bulling I took, the homelessness, the fights, the cutting and suicide atempts. There wasn't a place in the world for me... Untill I met you. I still love you so very much. I love our children more than anything in this world. I never thought I could love so much. But you changed. Things like changing are normal. People change all the time. But you became scarry. The way you get angry and scream, yell less than an inch in my face. The way you get so mad you punch things till your fists are raw and bloody. What am I to do?

I no longer cut but I think about it a lot. I sometimes just want to badly to feel pain other than the emotional stab wounds I get from you and everything else in my life. I sometimes think about laying my arm on the hot stove. But I remember the children and I feel better. You used to me my happy place.. I wish I could have made you understand sooner. I wish I wasnt so fucked up. I wish I wasnt bipolar, and I wish I was never manic or depressed. I wish what I do would be good enough for you. I wish I was enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not but all I ever do is change myself to better fit your needs, and never get the same. I never ask you to cange so much.

Dear Life I wish you would just fuck off.