The ability to be friends with a guy
depends on the status of my relationship
and whether they are capable
of getting into my pants
without the possibility of trespassing
on another guy’s property,
also known as my body.
“How old are you?” to make sure I am legal,
“Are you single?” if I say no, the conversation ends there,
“Are you a virgin?” to see if I have experience,
and then finally
“What’s your name?” the question that should be asked first,
but rarely is
because why does it matter
in a society where relationships only last a week
or results in a one night stand
just when you thought you found the one.
The one that you can bring home to your family
as you observe the guy and your father
firmly shake hands as an agreement
that my father will give this guy a piece of me
for now,
but only temporarily
until he can prove himself,
because there may be others
that will come after him
who will experience the same process
since he may leave me
like the ones before him.
They feared commitment
or they just wanted another name
that they could add to the list
that they mentally have going.
But I want to memorize
the shape of his face
or the way the muscles move
as his mouth turns into a smile
at the corners of his mouth.
I want to memorize
the way his laugh dances
in my mind
when he finds me amusing,
or to be able to feel this hurricane
that twists in my stomach
when I see him.
No not butterflies.
A hurricane.
A hurricane that makes you sick
to your stomach with joy at the thought
of seeing him
but also at the thought
of not seeing him again.
But this guy,
who I wish to be nothing more
than my friend,
he will
get up and leave
because it’s either a relationship
or nothing.
There is no such thing
as being friends
with a guy
in high school,
or at least
not for very long
without peers poking fun
about how “cute” we would be together.
A friendship is too little
while a relationship is too much
and the space in between
is encouraged for males,
but frowned upon for females.
So my interaction with guys
is either placed on one end of the spectrum
where we’re only acquaintances
or the other
where we’re in a relationship.
I’ll say this again
in case you didn’t hear the first time:
The ability to be friends with a guy
depends on the status of my relationship
instead of it depending on my personality
because at this rate,
we’ll never get that far
into the conversation
for him to find out
what I’m like.
I’ll watch him walk away
since I have failed
once again
to prove that I am something
worth staying for
even if we are
just friends,
but he will never see that
because I am someone else’s property:
My own.
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